I wanted to forgive you so much that in the process of wanting to forgive you I hated God.In the process of wanting to let go of the hurt I hated myself,I cut myself to direct all my hatred towards you back to myself,I stopped coming across you because I would imagine myself strangling you,I locked myself in a dark room and fight to sleep,I sit in the shower for hours to make myself believe that it washes away all of the things that made me cling to that suffering you gave me.And in all that.in losing myself.in living a near death experience.in hating you at night and in waking up in the morning being able to hate you less.in my silence.in my tear drops.in my rotten wrists.in my living corpse.in all my broken pieces I am afraid that if you open your arms to me I will come running back to those same arms that destroyed my sanity.But no matter what happens that hate is engraved in me because you never were there...you couldnt see the suffering in my eyes and because I had to run from home in order to survive......
-Yeab T🥀-

I am at the point where I don't control anything.I lay in bed at night with a slight hope that I will wake up tomorrow and feel less tired...less of a burden...more of a normal human being where everything I do is me getting on with my day not me out running my anxiety.I want to wake up and not feel like I am fighting a battle which can take my breath from if it ever is willing.For once I want to be in control over my darkness and say to its face "you no longer have a power over me" ...I want to say it without fearing what it could do to me if it ever notices I am trying to fight it over the control of my mind...over my body....over my soul.i am just tired of feeling exhausted.I am tired of always having to hold a flicker of light as a purpose to go on with life...I am just fucking exhausted.
-Yeab T🥀-