I am sitting in front of a magnificent water body. The sunshine is very beautiful. I felt the wind massaging the big lake, gently. I think of the shower I took earlier... both cant just be water.

I feel so lonely and small, this lake doesn't care about me or who I am. I am just a walking goose or another monkey under the tree. I can't inflict any emotion, can't make it smile or sad. What an indifferent lake! I wish the lake have some memory of me, but I am nobody, nothing

I feel calm, the mantra, the scenery, the shapes, and the smell makes my soul still

I think of my mom, dad, siblings, grannies, and friends and acquaintances.

But I didn't think of you.

.

Home.....

[10/22, 10:43 PM] ຈ: I just want to be seen, beyond the hair and the eyes and breasts and the smile... I want shared interests and enthusiasm, inside jokes and telepathy, intergalactic travel while high on loud, sensory overload from our favorite music and gyrations, mutual body language where you get to listen to me talk with my gestures and my touch and where you get to whisper to me with your finger tips, arguing about our biases and acting out characters in movies we saw together and books we read together. I feel like I'm being watched, objectified, fantasized about but nobody's really seeing me, knowing what existence is mine.
What is this need to want to share your existence with someone? To have someone know, to understand, to be able to figure you out of a crowd of clones, to know and to realize that yes this is you because you is this, to have your reflection bounce off another's reflection? What is this need to want someone else's existence compliment yours wholly? To be of perfect synchronization? What is this need to be loved exactly how you want to be loved? They say we all have soul mates and I hope that mine is me because what if I die waiting, searching, hoping for the one who will finally see me in the ways I yearn to be seen when all along I could've been madly in love with myself instead?
But human beings are...well human beings after all and not play-doh's because one can not love you how you want to be loved but how their own existence perceives love to be. One can only love in their own way because that's how we've been made to be–of our own way. To love as we can and as we might not as we must. And I think it's selfish to demand oneself off another because soul mate is a compliment of oneself not a replication and the idea of identical resemblance is an abomination to the balance of the universe. So of course they're are only pieces to a puzzle that fit side by side but are not alike for how else could they possibly be? Know that also, there is not only one piece in a puzzle but different pieces with unique spaces to fill, ones soul mate could be a wave of different existence revolving.
Still we all want to be seen but maybe love is tolerating certain visual disabilities, "we like because and love despite"
But love should not be blind to red flags despite.
Acknowledge their presence yet when the red begins to bleed, you let go

Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man.

Taxi driver (1976)

"I'm not really traumatized"
Also me : can't remember huge chunk of my childhood

I accepted it already, but it still makes me sad.

‍But what can be done for someone like us that has many inner winters and does not wait for the seasons? What about us with the uncontrollable mood swings?

You are a part of my world now.when I wake up I reach for you and even though you are not physically there I feel you move inside me.I breath and my lungs are full of you.There is no moment my heart stops feeling you or missing you.please come soon.please stay.
-V-

"It makes me feel that rather than worrying and theorising about the state of the world, which helps no one, I should put my energy into living and being happy. When I try to picture for myself what a happy life might look like, the picture hasn’t changed very much since I was a child—a house with flowers and trees around it, and a river nearby, and a room full of books, and someone there to love me, that’s all."

-Sally Rooney, from Beautiful World, Where Are You.

I talk a lot but I am also a very good listener. When Diego was making Frida suffer she said "you must train your heart like a dog. Teach it to stay gone." I LISTENED. I sat down with my heart. Taught it a thing or two. Taught it how to stay behind reason. How to spot cause and effect. How to not say yes on impulse. How to stop begging and trying to please people that use it. My heart now knows itself well. It STAYS GONE. It won't COME BACK FOR YOU. It wont come back for NOBODY.
-Yakari Gabriel

𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟸𝟺, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟷
𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟶 -𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟹.

if this doesn’t work, then instead treat yourself as you would a child. with love and Kindness. "little you" is the you before the wreckage, the trauma, the cruelty. Heal your inner child and keep it safe.