Why do girls always need reassurance??

Because men aren't consistent. some lose their effort once we let our guard down.

Sadness, there is no substitute for it in the battlefield of life and its details. It melts in the chambers and peripheries of the heart. The soul pours out of it and clears. It replaces joy when we need it. It takes our days and gives us in its place false images of our dreams. Delusion is its companion. It does not cease from you as long as it permeates your feelings. Sadness deludes you with imagination, and imagination is drawn by desire and desire is a slave of devil. Your sadness is your devil..‌

Kevin Champeny

I...

I am sitting in front of a magnificent water body. The sunshine is very beautiful. I felt the wind massaging the big lake, gently. I think of the shower I took earlier... both cant just be water.

I feel so lonely and small, this lake doesn't care about me or who I am. I am just a walking goose or another monkey under the tree. I can't inflict any emotion, can't make it smile or sad. What an indifferent lake! I wish the lake have some memory of me, but I am nobody, nothing

I feel calm, the mantra, the scenery, the shapes, and the smell makes my soul still

I think of my mom, dad, siblings, grannies, and friends and acquaintances.

But I didn't think of you.

.

Home.....

[10/22, 10:43 PM] ຈ: I just want to be seen, beyond the hair and the eyes and breasts and the smile... I want shared interests and enthusiasm, inside jokes and telepathy, intergalactic travel while high on loud, sensory overload from our favorite music and gyrations, mutual body language where you get to listen to me talk with my gestures and my touch and where you get to whisper to me with your finger tips, arguing about our biases and acting out characters in movies we saw together and books we read together. I feel like I'm being watched, objectified, fantasized about but nobody's really seeing me, knowing what existence is mine.
What is this need to want to share your existence with someone? To have someone know, to understand, to be able to figure you out of a crowd of clones, to know and to realize that yes this is you because you is this, to have your reflection bounce off another's reflection? What is this need to want someone else's existence compliment yours wholly? To be of perfect synchronization? What is this need to be loved exactly how you want to be loved? They say we all have soul mates and I hope that mine is me because what if I die waiting, searching, hoping for the one who will finally see me in the ways I yearn to be seen when all along I could've been madly in love with myself instead?
But human beings are...well human beings after all and not play-doh's because one can not love you how you want to be loved but how their own existence perceives love to be. One can only love in their own way because that's how we've been made to be–of our own way. To love as we can and as we might not as we must. And I think it's selfish to demand oneself off another because soul mate is a compliment of oneself not a replication and the idea of identical resemblance is an abomination to the balance of the universe. So of course they're are only pieces to a puzzle that fit side by side but are not alike for how else could they possibly be? Know that also, there is not only one piece in a puzzle but different pieces with unique spaces to fill, ones soul mate could be a wave of different existence revolving.
Still we all want to be seen but maybe love is tolerating certain visual disabilities, "we like because and love despite"
But love should not be blind to red flags despite.
Acknowledge their presence yet when the red begins to bleed, you let go

Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man.

Taxi driver (1976)

"I'm not really traumatized"
Also me : can't remember huge chunk of my childhood

I accepted it already, but it still makes me sad.