When are you going to stop searching with your wandering eyes onto the world and look inside and realize that home is in your heart?

I watched joker for the 4th time today and I have to say the movie is something that can leave you traumatized for a long time. The first time I watched it was hard finishing because most part of me was being reflected by that movie...not all...most...and some part of me hated it. I can't pass without admiring the acting ability and passion of Joaquin Phoenix. Part of me felt like it's his life that he is acting. That's how good he was. He embodied arthur.I can't say I know exactly what Arthur felt in that movie but I know how it feels to be misunderstood by the people around you. To have to live with mind that constantly finds satisfaction in making you feel terrible. alone. tired. scared. A mind that likes to shout every little thing till you go nuts. Wanting to say and speak about it but couldn't because you dont know what to say and how to put in words what it's like to live as you and wonder if it's even something others would understand if you speak it. Its listening to echoes of different thoughts...all at the same time...and having nothing to say back.

You feel like laughing but you start to cry

I don't know how and I don't know why.

I don't wanna figure it out. There will just be more questions. Questions tighten the noose. Questions take your breath away. I don't think I ever will. This grief.........💔

Her eyes are a little swollen. She has flushed them with water after a night of crying and thinks no one will notice. But in reality everything is noticeable, so the funeral guests have left her alone. Not out of respect but out of fear, because the world is afraid of those who cry.

I always felt like I owed people the effort of trying to conceal my emotions. Always putting up a mask became my day to day duty. Years earlier I packed my emotions in a suitcase,kissed them and did my farewells. Years later I have realized that I have shut out myself in so long. I can't help to ask if it was fair on myself to have gone through what I went through. I can't help to blame myself and the ones around me. I made it essential to lighten up moods,to make myself be seen sociable,reckless,free,wild while I was at the same time being gutted by overwhelming emotions wanting to be silent,safe,guarded. But now I feel like I have tortured myself enough trying to be what I am not but that doesn't mean I forgot the dues you have to pay when you are vulnerable. Not all your emotions are celebrated. People don't like messy. People don't want real. They don't want naked. They constantly praise fake. Today I woke up at 12 o'clock to send an invitation to my long lost suitcase of emotions. I have sat down with my heart. Talked with it. Listen to what it has always been trying to say to me. It told me not to hide but it has also made me see that just as I don't owe people fake emotions I don't also owe them real feelings for them to just drag it around. If you had asked me years earlier what hiding my emotions from people tasted like it would have tasted a bit much like hiding them from myself too. Having seen what it's like to be me don't you think I finally owe myself that vulnerability.......to myself I mean. All of this was worth the pain I went through cause I can finally see clearly. This is me tip toeing. This is me finally noticing the craving of my tired heart. This is me getting in touch with my soul. This is me realizing how much of a precious thing it is to be me and to feel what I feel.
-Yeab T🌬

Andrew: There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed

Sam: There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of wish I missed

Andrew: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home? All of the sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, the idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew: You'll see. When you move out, it just sort of happens. One day, it's gone. And you feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't exist. Or maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You'll never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of "home" for yourself, you know? For your kids, for the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know but I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all a family really is... a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Sam: Maybe.

Hiraeth

My head can't make any damn sense of this so it sings💔

“I look in the mirror and I see too much of someone who isn’t enough.”
—Artwork by Sara Riches.

Is it me you love or the person you think I am in your head? Are you in love with me or are you in love with the idea of Love?