it’s one of those nights again. the kind where you can feel the sadness and anxiety in your stomach. the kind where you want to yell and scream and cry because nothing is okay and you aren’t sure it ever will be. the kind where you stare at your scars, wanting to make more. just to feel something other than this ache. it is nights like this that make me terrified to keep living.

It’s getting really bad again but every time someone asks me how I’m doing, I say I’m fine. I’m okay. Sometimes I’ll tell my mom I’m just tired when she asks me why I haven’t left my room all day. But the truth is, I’m breaking, tearing apart at the seams. Struggling to breathe while my mind goes into a panic. Desperately trying to remember what it was like to feel at peace. But I can’t. I am trapped in this monotonous cycle of defeat and it is taking everything in me to not just simply give up.

Tame my heart to happiness....and peace
...too much time .....almost all its life....all the times it drowned in blood I tamed it to pain...so that when it sees you it drowns happily
-Yeab T 🥀-

When depression is a company you can never avoid
A roommate you live with but doesn't pay dues
Your house stops being a home
As your mind collapses
Your head wont even help
That's when you know not only your heart but your body has given up taking care of you.
-Yeab T🥀

This song is everything💔

Girl by syml🎵

Girl
Perfectly her
Broken and hurt
Soft and asleep in the morning gray
Shake off the night and don't hide your face
The sun lights the world with a single flame
I want you to see this
I want you to see this

Today
And all of your days
I'll wear your pain
Heal what I can in your troubled mind
Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time
And the beauty in that can be hard to find
I want you to find it
I want you to see this
I want you to see this
So run
Wake up and run
My little one
I wanna tear down these walls that can't hold you inside
And rip out the cords and uncover your eyes
We'll make our escape in the dark of night
I need you to see this
Oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh
Girl
You'll see the world
And you'll come to learn
That FALLING IN LOVE IS A STRANGE WORK OF ART
ALL OF YOUR BATTLES WILL SHAPE WHO YOU ARE
AND KNOW THAT YOUR SCARS ARE MY FAVOURITE PART
I want you to know this

How is it you never noticed that you were slowly killing me

I can never find the right words to tell people what I’m thinking. Telling them I’m tired doesn’t work, but I can’t seem to vocalize that I’m mentally exhausted and sick of existing. Telling them I’m sad doesn’t work either, but I can’t explain that I’m struggling not to kill myself and that the joy in everything in my life is gone and when I wake up to the sun in my eyes, I have to struggle to get myself out of bed because most of me didn’t even want to wake up at all. I can’t tell them I’m numb because what I’m feeling is so much more complex than numb and I don’t have the vocabulary to tell them that I feel like I’m drowning and it terrifies me that I feel nothing as it’s happening, and that my insides want to scream but I can’t even find it in me to shed a tear anymore, that every single aspect of my life feels like it’s shaded in grey because someone sucked out all the colors but I can hardly even remember what colors are because I can no longer remember a time I didn’t feel like this. No, I don’t know how to say that. So I just whisper “I’m fine.”

I have walked through streets
I have crawled through places
I have exchanged glances with strangers
I have walked...I have crawled I have dragged my whole empty body
I have commanded my limbs to walk...to wave...to people aware of my body but not its inner works
I am walking now too by the streets
In hope of tiring my limbs enough to focus on it instead of my exhausted heart
And also in a mere hope of finding a person stranger enough to not give a conclusion about me
Someone to hold hand to and cry for no reason with
Faces I know ain't done nothing for me
But maybe this one will
I look at him
He looks like he got a story to tell
What if he is the one to be the prince to win the voices
I approached him...held his hand...and said "tell me about your dreams and I will tell you mine let's create a symphony over the voices in our minds"
He stared at me like one has never before
Looked at me like he was gonna figure me out with a glance
But what is the fault in that
I did too
Figured him out with a glance
Thought he could save me in seconds
After a moment of silence
He said back
"Do you have voices in your head?"
"Do they try to choke you?"
"Does it help to be heard?"
"Is there a mortal strong enough to win them?"
"If there is then hold my hand until I save you and you save me while I look at you and you look at me with your strange eyes"
We talked and talked for moments like those type of talks found only on worn pages of books...
I sighed because it wasnt a dream....or atleast this time it didnt feel like one
I said to myself,"maybe this one is gonna stay"
For a moment I decided to not fight myself on this
To not trouble myself of crushing this hope I feel
You walked with me
I could have sailed the whole world just by walking with you .....
A stone baulked me and as soon as it did you held me....tight.....
I felt like with a grip you erased all the hurt that came with living
But it was too Good to be true
I always knew that....and I know now cause I woke up.....i woke from a dream that felt so real
Who was i fooling???
The joke is all on me...
Only a broken can love me that much
But the ones who are broken dont wanna be found🖤🥀🥀🥀
-Yeab T🥀-

I need to say this to myself repeatedly 🖤

Hello. I exist.

Dear me,
I am sorry.
I am sorry for making you go through all this pain. I am sorry for making you feel all the pain on your wrist. I am sorry I didn’t give you the space and time you needed. I am sorry I forced you to smile when you didn’t want, to pretend that you are happy. I am sorry for making you feel low and worthy enough when it was the people who could never see through. I am sorry for making you help people and think of them when your hands were bleeding. I am sorry because you had to give so much of yourself for people who didn’t give a tiny morsel of appreciation. I am sorry for not loving you, the way you deserved to be loved.

-letter for myself.

Making peace with the pieces I am losing day by day,the pieces I am aware of and pieces I will soon be aware of is something I am struggling with everyday. This writing came at a perfect timing. Its here to tell me that it's all in th process. I am surviving. Losing who you are and who used to be is a cost of surviving. And it's perfectly ok.🖤

How I love the writer.🖤

From the moment of my birth, the angels of anxiety, worry, and death stood at my side, followed me out when I played, followed me in the sun of springtime and in the glories of summer. They stood at my side in the evening when I closed my eyes, and intimidated me with death, hell, and eternal damnation. And I would often wake up at night and stare widely into the room: Am I in Hell?

Edvard Munch

"The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you've been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines."