Have I?

I was afraid of the darkness following me...I begged God to get me out of that hole.
-From my journal

My relationship with God is unique. It's not your usual father daughter relationship. We have our days. Some days are like those beautiful days you have out in the garden when the sky I clear and you fel the sun shining on you. You hear the birds chirping and you look inside yourself and there is peace...but that's somedays. Other days everything is in chaos. The sky will be grieving washing the soil away with its tears. The birds are silent as if they also know the pain around and you look inside yourself and your soul is in grief for the lost pieces of its past or the future it is yet conquer...feeling jaded of it all. And in the midst of it all you feel like there is no God looking for his creatures and you don't wanna fight anymore. Most days that leads to rage that makes me wanna tear down his entire kingdom to pieces because everything doesn't seem fair. Other days thre is only silence. In those days it becomes hard to breath let alone call on the lord's name for a saviour. We all have our own relationship with him. And maybe you will connect to this words that I am writing. Here is where the beauty lies. In all that chaos and the silence I can't suffocate with tears , In the happiness and the times of hope I feel God holding me where noone else can,putting together all my broken pieces,wiping the tears off my bruised cheeks and I feel his presence. When the world turns it's back on me he is there in the places of the ones I love when I can't explain the reasons to why I am the way I am. He is there in the places of the friends I have lost and never found. I know in my heart he cries for the scars left on my body and for the pain I make myself go through. I used to pray for patience and expect patience. I used to pray for real freinds and ache when I lost the ones I thought I had. I used to pray that he brings the ones I love together and ache in anger for what we had to go through when all along he was teaching me things. When I should have understood more than my pain. I should have learnt that he was testing my patience,creating space for real people who truly love me to enter my life and giving me the opportunity to come closer. I am learning it all. I am understanding beyond my misery. I am loving my saviour. I am holding his love in the spaces of my broken heart. This is my testimony. The testimony of the lost sheep. Tomorrow when I wake up maybe all this hope will be gone but I know my father is ready to go through the rough path and bring my dead body back to life all over again. Everyday i will be rebirthed as a new being baptized with his never ending love. He has shown me that's it's ok to fall when I carry too much burden as he carried the cross. This tears falling from my eyes onto this paper are witnesses of my love to him. I will live. I will bleed. I will laugh and cry and ache. I will love. I will open my bible and say out loud, "fear not for I am with you,be not dismayed,for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." And I will believe so.
-Yeab T🖤-

I made peace with my blood that Infact I am unlucky and is destined to be left out of everything worth having.
-Yeab T🖤-

Have we ever asked ourselves why people that surrounded us left???have we ever thought to consume the bitter truth of our nothingness?we are fools aren't we?why didn't we do that?and don't give me that look or that saddening in your eye while you think of them leaving??no!stop letting yourself think that you don't know the reason of them choosing to leave or deciding to spend the rest of their lives with someone other than you or in solitude..how is that solitude  better than being with me or you or us...we should never have let ourself go through the pain..we should have let ourself heal rather than fixating on what seemed to be told to us and refusing to listen to the whispers of the devils that crawled underneath our bed or the ceilings we stare at every night trying to figure out .......why???let me tell you the truth...we arenot worth enough for someone to stay..we are just the non deserving ones who seem to spoil everything fresh in life.we are destined to rot everything good in life..maybe we are just weak branches unable to hold the fruit that sweetened our lives and make it worth of being a branch..cause what is a branch without its ability to hold a fruit..I played along long enough telling my self a lie in which deep down I knew was wrong......uno.. dos.. tres.. quadra....just like that they begin to leave..like they didn't have the power to clutch their hands to mine just a little bit longer..They leave with only memories
and laughters and bad jokes and hugs and a very prodigious(powerful) sense of belonging that seemed to be fading faster than the cloud in our dark skies....so now as I pour my heart out I have realized that I had finally found the analgesic(pain killer) to my incessant(never ending) question of why??The retort(answer) to our desperate heart is maybe accepting the
fact that we arenot the ones who deserve a death grip...
        -to the questions that made breathing a rocket science
-Yeab T🖤-

Wow all I can say from reading this again is 17 year old me was going through shit and dealing with a lot of anger...poor her

.thats why untieing your knots all my life became my purpose though it seemed dull for others...uncovering your darkness became my passion as if I was going to receive any award for it...you were the award.loving you was to be filled with words I didn't know was in me.To love you was to be a poet. To exist for you was a passion...
-Yeab T🖤-

I was never meant to heal..I was never the likely types.i didn't deserve you to start with.it was ill fated of us to even think of a by and by...the piles of papers next to me may get what i am uttering..a word for each pain we caused ourself..for each tear we shed ..for each anger..for each laughter..for each weird dance..for the thoughts left unspoken..for the felicity we could have had and most importantly words for the aching I caused in your heart and for never hugging you and never showing that I cared..I got them all piled up like an alp only for them to drive me to the dead end of my overwhelmingly fatigued life..why did you think you didn't receive any??why couldn't I help my self get the fire power to say any thing??how could a creature come up with all those conversations in his entire life and suddenly turn into a slob??how come that is possible??I know you leaving was mostly because of my abrasive nature...but deep down in your abyss heart I know there was something...you kept on with your quest of finding something that was inconspicuous even for yourself to unravel let alone for me..so without knowing that I wont be able to set down a word that would be meaningful...without knowing how to articulate what you were feeling what you seeked I could never get a peace..
Without dredging up those answers my heart will never stop hitting the ground like the drops of rains from our gloomy skies...
-Yeab T🥀-

“The worst pain… isn’t the pain you feel at the time, it’s the pain you feel later on when there’s nothing you can do about it. They say that time heals all wounds, but we never live long enough to test that theory…”

...so I questioned everything in life for you ..nature...people...feelings...emotions ...even God...I questioned God for you...some may deprecate what I did for you.and call me dismal and valiant and trash but I was ready for all of that cause if I couldn't save you I could at least go through all the abasement one can face...the world would have dragged me through the dirt and disdain me or spit on me and I wouldn't say anything cause I loved you enough for it...I fell for you enough to go through all of it...I would get dragged through eternal death and hell for you all because you deserved it...all because the world owed you this...all because you bled long enough...
-Yeab T🌓-

She stared at the sun like it was the answer to all her misery...if only she had stared long enough
-Yeab T🥀-

You are nostalgic because you are sincere, because you are clearly disturbed by the fluctuation, because you deeply care about the meaning, because you are more serious, because your feelings are real, because they are constant and do not change by action of time or situation.

But her face is tired, her sadness is overpowering, and under her eyes is an endless night.

Thoughts hub

This world made me feel abnormal because I felt too much and felt nothing at the same time.

This world broke my heart to pieces.

Headaches emanating from bustling and jostling of people enveloping me.Anarchy of holiday season preparation; deliberate air-passing mixing with the miserable stench of my failure making me nauseous.An eerily-awful DJing of music from the "beer-bar"..Plays initially with butt-worth-shaking tunes and continues in a rowdy tone distorting symphony. I look at the face of the tomato seller and all the sound makes her like a Da Vinci.Lo and behold,buses moving to and fro. Echolaccs, polyethene bags,sacks and "Ghana must go";people are wandering in the circle with.The fleeting moments of euphoria I can't bottle;words ascend from the lump-mucus of my throat, I sighed and enjoyed the festivity as well.Families meeting with flowery caresses, comfort intimacy unlocking the euphoria in each of them raying peace earned from the unison and hurling away their melancholies.

-IOS