Do you look at yourself in the mirror without crying?

“there was nothing poetic about the pain i felt.
it was crying my eyes out at two in the morning and clutching at my chest as i tried to regain my breath because if i let go,
i was scared i’d fall apart.”

• @regretletters • 🥀

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Stare into the vacancy,take a deep breath.

Does it get exhausting? Have you got sleep?

Oh God! I am a mess.

We will always weep and ache,wont we?

Life is always gonna be like this.

Everyday is a struggle.

It's the fear of being broken. It's the fear of giving people the power to break you.

Most days I feel nothing.

Do you feel this huge pain on your chest when you try not to make a sound when you cry?

That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel.
Depression is very different.

And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.

I just want it all to stop.

Most days I wish I was not who I am.