AY-MIND Issue #2

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@AYMIND

Dear me,
I am sorry.
I am sorry for making you go through all this pain. I am sorry for making you feel all the pain on your wrist. I am sorry I didn’t give you the space and time you needed. I am sorry I forced you to smile when you didn’t want, to pretend that you are happy. I am sorry for making you feel low and worthy enough when it was the people who could never see through. I am sorry for making you help people and think of them when your hands were bleeding. I am sorry because you had to give so much of yourself for people who didn’t give a tiny morsel of appreciation. I am sorry for not loving you, the way you deserved to be loved.

-letter for myself.

Why do I feel what I feel?why do I feel lost ...feel like I have got no home when I could find one?Why do I feel like I am in a desert in a middle of nowhere when I am actually in New York in between all that chaos?All those faces yet all I feel is going insane with all the car honks,the loud conversations.....why do I feel like the ground?...feeling all those steps all over my body and listen as my bones crack...Why is it that wherever I go whatever I do I cant let go of this darkness?Why has light become so slow when it comes to me?Is it impenetrable..This hole...This constant feeling of insanity...Is there a life beyond this?Is there me after this?They say"The orphan got lost because he dont know where home is"....Is that my fate?...God,What is this??How did it feel to create a soul and label it "homeless".Was it thrilling...exciting...or did it hurt you?Are you a masochist?Do you love the pain...my pain...cause no father cherishes his daughter's....I guess it explains the reason why I hate and love the pain at the same time.since you made me in your image ....I can't do this anymore...In the times they picked stones to attack you...in all the times they dragged your name ...in all the times they spat on you...made fun of your vulnerability...your nakedness...in all that beating...all that scar...all that blood...did you know it was gonna lead you to death and by death your resurrection?If so tell me where all of this is gonna lead me too...tell me how much longer I have to carry this demon...I feel like I have died with a body that hasn't...It took you three days how long is it gonna take mine...when is my resurrection????
@wordsofpain🖤

One day you will learn that noone will save you from yourself.

To be lost is not to be in an island without nowhere to go...to be lost is to be desolated...to not feel welcomed...to not know why you feel so abandoned even when there might be some type of love being given....it is to call out a saviour and to find that the only voice you hear is your own voice in a form of an echo...that's where being lost lies in the middle of the forest where only crawling creatures and darkness lies....where trees and haunting memories lie...where spider web and leaves cover scars...that's where they lie...that's where they wandered....where they fell....where they lost their innocence
-Yeab T🌊-

It makes no sense that the strings of the Sun that are millions of kilometers away from our planet come to me every morning, and you don't?

Should I sink or swim or slowly disappear?

.....All those days I ached for her touch to rub my body and cleanse it with water.....cleanse my heart with her love.

To my saviour,

At times I find myself searching for you. Without deeply understanding it I find myself listening to a worship song and I see my inside longing for your arms to hold me where noone can and I ache for the love I know I had lost. Some days I want to call out your name...shout till the temple's curtain are torn and everything turns into ash...till all souls bow to your grace seeing how I praise you...witnessing how i speak so fond of you. I want the world to notice and be awed by how I am saved. I look into myself and I watch my soul reaching for you and I envision my comeback to be like never before. Today I fall for your grace and tomorrow when it all downs on me I disdain you and your kingdom. I didnt choose to be that. If it was in my power I would be like the chosen and live on the Green fields but I am just another wanderer on the gate of your kingdom. But know that I love you and that I believe you are the superior of all. And even in my dark days I will hold you in the spaces of my broken heart. You are there in my smile and my anger. You are there in my tears and my panick attacks. You hold me tight when I cry in the dark. You wont run from me because I am somehow abnormally different. You will love your lost sheep not because she deserves it but because you are the greatest love of them all. You will love me because you are love. Because love found a home in you. Because everything about you speaks of peace and happiness.
-Yeab T💛-

o-b-s-e-s-s-i-o-n
with someone will take you to an endless unexplored levels of depth!

@drapthoughts

I'm scared that if I let go of the pain I'd lose who I am with it

Sometimes I want to disappear. Sometimes I want to show everyone what they did to me. Most of the time I want people to see what I see, feel what I feel. Pain. Anger. Hate. Loneliness.