Пирамида потребностей нормального человека:

Строить B2B SaaS

Я немедленно открою аварийный выход, если увижу это в своем самолете

Первый закон робототехники:

Развод ИНВЕСТОРОВ на ДЕНЬГИ

POV: После $5B TGE слил свою залоканную фаундерскую аллокацию хедж-фонду через OTC с 40% дисконтом

#winning #goals

VC после разоблачения их портфельного стартапа в мошенничестве:

- Это не вписывается в наш тезис, поэтому мы игнорируем

Cловарь для начинающих инвесторов/бизнесменов:

СEO = Cocaine Every Occasion
CTO = Can't Trust Output
CFO = Cooking Fraudulent Outcomes
COO = Cocaine Opiates Orgies
CMO = Coke Money Overspent
CRO = Conning Rich Oligarchs
VP = Virtue Posturing
VC = Vanishing Capital
GP = Grifting Pensioners
LP = Locked Pensions
AUM = All Underwater Man
IPO = Insiders Profit Only
ICO = International Con Operation
SPAC = Scamming Public, Actually Criminal
SAFE = Screwing Angels Financially Everywhere
NDA = Nothing Delivered Anyway
LOI = Lying Openly Intentionally
DD = Definitely Delayed
IRR = Imaginary Rich Returns
ROI = Return? Obviously Insufficient
EBITDA = Everything But Income, Total Disaster Actually
CAPEX = Cash Annihilated Purchasing Equipment
OPEX = Overhead Perpetually Expanding
CAGR = Completely Assumed Growth Rate
P&L = Ponzi & Lies
NAV = Never Actual Value
YoY = Yesterday's Oblivious Yolo
QoQ = Quarterly Obliterated Quickly
MoM = Monthly Obliterated Money
ARR = Artificially Reported Revenue
MRR = Mostly Ramen Reality
CAC = Crazy Advertising Costs
LTV = Literally Thirteen Visits
ARPU = Actually Robbing Poor Users
Burn Rate = Blowing Utterly Ridiculous Nonsense Rekt After Tomorrow Eventually
Churn = Cash Hemorrhaging Users Running Nowhere
TAM = Totally Ass Made-up
SAM = Stupid Ass Metrics
MAU = Mostly Automated Users
DAU = Dead Accounts Ultimately
KPI = Kleptocrats' Preferred Indicator
OKR = Obviously Killing Returns
MVP = Money Vanished Promptly
GTM = Guesswork, Total Mystery
PMF = Pretty Much Fucked
B2B = Boring To Boring
B2C = Begging To Customers
SaaS = Scamming As Service
AI = Always Incorrect
ML = Mostly Lies
GPT = Grifting Pensioners' Trusts
AGI = Assholes Grifting Investors

Надо было идти с ними на свидание...

POV: Когда собрал денег в AI-стартап, а AI на самом деле индусы, которые вручную кликают всё в Excel

По автоматизации. В 14 лет.

Когда у фаундера стартапа спросили как он питается:

VC: У нас есть огромная команда платформы, которая поможет вам с наймом!!!

Команда платформы:

Единственное что объединяет фаундеров стартапов и политиков

VC объявляющие размер своего нового фонда

Фаундеры на третьей неделе дью дила

Фаундеры когда их спрашивают про TAM, SAM, SOМ

VC когда встретил 19-летнего дроп-аута из Ivy League, который три месяца назад бросил учебу ради стартапа и теперь рассказывает про революционную AI-платформу

Словарь продакта:

PM = Powerless Middleman
PRD = Promises Rarely Delivered
BRD = Boss's Random Demands
POC = Prototype Our Crap
PO = Pretending Ownership
UAT = Users Angry & Traumatized
ICP = I Convinced People
DAU = Dead Accounts Ultimately
MAU = Maybe Accidentally Unique
WAU = Who's Actually Using?
TTV = Totally Too Vague
AARRR = All Assumptions About Retention Really Random
ICE = I'm Choosing Everything
RICE = Really Ignoring Customer Evidence
JTBD = Just Total Bullshit Dude
AJTBD = Also Just Total Bullshit Dude
EOD = Everything's Obviously Delayed
ETA = Everyone Telling Accelerate
WIP = Work In Purgatory
ASAP = Always Slipping & Actually Postponed
TBD = Totally Beyond Determination
TBA = The Boss Announced
FYI = Fuck You Ignored
IMO = Idiots Meaningless Opinion
LGTM = Let's Get This Merged
SGTM = Ship, Gonna Test in prod, Man
PTAL = Please Test After Launch
EOM = Explaining Our Mess
EOW = Executives Overriding Work
OOO = Obviously Overwhelmed & Overstressed
PTO = Please Text Overnight
RCA = Really Convenient Alibi
SLA = Sales Lied Again
API = Always Poorly Implemented
SDK = Software Disaster Kit
SSO = Still Somehow Obliterated
MFA = More Friction Always
GDPR = Guess Data Protection's Required
CCPA = Can't Code Privacy Anyway
AWS = Always Wasting Spend
GCP = Generally Confusing Platform
CI/CD = Code In, Chaos Daily

Here Comes Another Bubble (2025 Version)