And do you think I did not know when you made love to me, you were making love to no one? No one! Or everyone—but not me, certainly. I am nothing to you, nothing, and you bring me fever but no delight.”
I moved, looking for a cigarette. They were in my hand. I lit one. In a moment, I thought, I will say something. I will say something and then I will walk out of this room forever.
“You know I cannot be alone. I have told you. What is the matter? Can we never have a life together?”
He began to cry again. I watched the hot tears roll from the corners of his eyes onto the dirty pillow.
“If you cannot love me, I will die. Before you came I wanted to die, I have told you many times. It is cruel to have made me want to live only to make my death more bloody.”
I wanted to say so many things. Yet, when I opened my mouth, I made no sound. And yet—I do not know what I felt for Giovanni. I felt nothing for Giovanni. I felt terror and pity and a rising lust.
I moved, looking for a cigarette. They were in my hand. I lit one. In a moment, I thought, I will say something. I will say something and then I will walk out of this room forever.
“You know I cannot be alone. I have told you. What is the matter? Can we never have a life together?”
He began to cry again. I watched the hot tears roll from the corners of his eyes onto the dirty pillow.
“If you cannot love me, I will die. Before you came I wanted to die, I have told you many times. It is cruel to have made me want to live only to make my death more bloody.”
I wanted to say so many things. Yet, when I opened my mouth, I made no sound. And yet—I do not know what I felt for Giovanni. I felt nothing for Giovanni. I felt terror and pity and a rising lust.
And then there would be Eve, an explorer searching for nothing, adrift in a sea without any memory of what she had once sought or of what she wished to return to.
atlas shrugged
Mitski – Should've Been Me
It broke my heart the lengths you went to hold me, to have me
I see a different path, one where I'm not constantly fighting for her affection or struggling to convince her that it's okay for her to care for me.
“I have a photo of each leg, each arm, and his torso: all these boy parts, which I can arrange on my living room floor like a jigsaw.”
“I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I don’t know if I’m trying to tell you it’s for the best if I stay away from you, or if I’m begging you to stay with me forever. Do I want to keep these shitty pieces of myself together, or do I just want to give them all to you.”