TW: вспышки

i was dreaming of a day long ago
there was a row of cherry trees on the way to school
the innocent you that followed me said to me,
"i'm proud of you."

like roots growing on a corpse left abandoned
when i realize my life, a spark of tears falls
and it relentlessly scatters
throughout my childhood days

Tangled in the branches of my misplaced nobility,
i curse my dirty body that shakes in the night of shame

like burning
like sobbing
the swaying life just crumbles away
please play the sound of my life
awkwardly with these murderous hands
the last drop of light spilled out
now let it flow gracefully into the distance
and this time,
please make me an
eternal peaceful ruin

on the surface of the water like a dream
leaves and snow drift there
a water-filled bamboo tube clacks against a stone when emptied
many years
waiting in vain
a sudden rain falls during the cherry blossom season
this vision becomes hazy
these limbs start to collapse
powerless
waiting in vain

ah
where has everyone gone?

please punish me
give me more pain for this unhealed heart
i send a bouquet of flowers for that fading smile
and for this excess of my blood

until this darkness decays
I just want to be myself

like burning
like sobbing
the festering life just sparkles
please put an end to
everything i am
the fireball is hung down
now it adorns the tree buds
with its ugly luster
please don't reach out to me
i want you to see me through

spring dust and dawn pile up
on my disfigured bare face
with those pure eyes
i'm sure you'll abandon me, too

TW: лёгкие вспышки, немного крови

Закрой глаза, ты скоро будешь здесь
Один, два, три, четыре, пять минут
Иногда я действительно хочу спать
Но я не могу бросить это дело

Спокойной ночи
Спокойной ночи
Спокойной ночи
Спокойной ночи

Спокойной ночи, спокойной ночи
Закрой глаза, и ты покинешь этот сон
Спокойной ночи, спокойной ночи
Я знаю, что это трудно сделать

Дни проходят
Ничего не поделаешь
Мгновения ускользают
Разбитое стекло
Стрелки часов
Где этот бой?
В моей голове
Я просто
Я просто
Я просто
Я просто

TW: очень много вспышек, боди-хоррор, тема изнасилования в тексте

1) в названии можно увидеть сочетание английских слов ill (больной) и loved (любимый *кем-то*), в итоге что-то вроде "по больному/извращённому/неправильному любимый"

2) также можно разделить на i (я) и loved (любил), получится ялллюбил *кого-то*

3) не уверен насчёт этой версии, но можно рассмотреть il как отрицательную приставку в английском, чтобы получилось "нелюбимый". проблема в том, что в английском много вариантов этих отрицательных приставок, и здесь грамматически правильно писать "unloved". в любом случае, я считаю, что все версии по своему подходят песне

I was born to acquire suffering
Actually, I've known that since long ago
So perhaps that's why the teachers told me too
That my smile exists to make everyone happy

I, who grew up cute, am just a toy
Becoming an outlet for violent impulses
One day, with THAT enough to numb the nerves
They f***ed me thoroughly, drenched in medication

The world in my eyes trembles
Sharp distortions pulse with a twitch, a thump
In the haze, to the delighted necks
I weakly smile back one more time

I'm sorry I was born

Kindness is given with suffering as a condition
That's why I named the fear of death ‘love’
You all eagerly throw it at me
That’s why I also gladly endangered my life
It's okay
Even tomorrow,
I will keep getting hurt with a smile

Their intentions force me to enter into a kind of friendship
Their affections force me to vomit up the pain of loss
No one wants to touch something like the love I fearfully show everyone
I'm dirty

With those gentle eyes,
The person who praised me,
What exactly do they want from me?
What will they take from me next?

My naked body covered in vomit left at the garbage dump due to the bill for my mistakes
Memories tightly grip my numb limbs
Just one more step towards that dazzling sky
Not even allowed to soar
Because I'm a good boy
Because I'm a good boy
Because I'm a good boy
Because I'm a gOoD bOy
How could they love me like this?

From the miniature garden of survival
The alarm bells were ringing
"There's no such thing as definite proof in this world," they said

When I die someday, flowers will be laid upon me and I'll probably be mocked
That's why the fear of death called itself ‘love’ for me
If by my screaming, struggling, flailing, and eventually perishing,
Everyone can be happy, then that's enough for me
Please forgive me
For having such clumsy thoughts

I wish my smile would just crumble away
Please, let everyone escape from this ugliness
Since even the things that were truly precious to me
Have all been burnt to death by you,
I didn't want to be thought of as a kind person
I didn't want to be called a kind person
I didn't want to become a kind person
I didn't want to become a kind person…
I didn't want to become A KIND PERSON…

There's no way I can love myself
Because I loved my “ “

Hey, teacher, my, life, is, cheap, too
Hey, teacher, I, can, smile, skillfully

I'm sorry I was born

TW: много вспышек, пугающий клип

That expressionless face, looking so joyful
The brains walk away, one by one
My ridiculous, ageless face remains among them
How many more years will it keep lingering there?
I'll kill it

I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
I WILL END UP HURTING YOU
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
I WILL END UP FESTERING YOU
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
I WILL END UP ROTTING YOU
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
YOU WILL END UP DESPISING ME

GO FxxK MYSELF INTO NOTHING

In gentle fields and forests,
A crimson sea of wrists is in bloom
will I, nill I
I fall into the beckoning applause of the void
"You—die here, now"
"You—come on, just die already"
On this sunlit hill, lit by countless blades

You once called me a saint
You once said my unending hell is a lie

"…CREEP" "…GROSS" "…DISGUSTING"
You laugh with them—so who the hell was I, all the while I was alive?
"…CREEP" "…GROSS" "…DISGUSTING"
Their leaking brain-juice spills, filling everyone's hearts
No one has wished for this filth's suicide more than I have
Behind your bursting smiles, just devour my wretched loneliness

In gentle fields and forests,
Crawling bugs born from bloodstained hands emerge
will I, nill I
I drown in this slithering emptiness
If only I—could die here, now
If only I—come on, just die already
On this sunlit hill, where countless shadows burst apart

COME AT ME

I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
I WILL END UP HURTING YOU
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
I WILL END UP FESTERING YOU
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
I WILL END UP ROTTING YOU
I WANT, I WANT, I WANT TO TOUCH YOU
YOU WILL END UP DESPISING ME

To protect this wretched self,
I kill myself without hesitation

GO FxxK MYSELF INTO NOTHING

TW: много вспышек

Лабиринт Черного Дыма

Грудная клетка, вскрытая тобой,
Грязный дым, вспышки огня.
Ты же и так ведь знаешь о том,
Что в твоих "надеждах" смысла нет.

Тюремная ржавчина не делает ничего,
Кроме как медленно разрушает мое тело.
Постепенно я начинаю сливаться с этой атмосферой.

Все вокруг разлетится в прах,
Весь мир поглотит чернота.
И в трещины слабости тень просочится, как древний эфир,
Тихо разрушая все на мелкие кусочки.

Крепость из песка я воздвигал годами,
Которую решил сжечь, признав свою никчемность.
Ну что, смешно?
Смотреть, как я начинаю гнить вместе со своим позором.

Жуть и морок, бездна, страх.
Пусть даже истину познал, но спектакль завершён.

Заезженные приемы, которыми пользуются для достижения любви, мне вовсе не нужны.
Своими чистыми руками не прикасайся ко мне.

Все утонет в море пламени,
Все обратится в мертвый пепел.
Едва заметная нежность в сердце все это разведет,
И все в тишине без следа пропадет.

Не в том беда, что выхода отсюда нет,
Я все равно не смогу сбежать от самого себя.
Лишь россыпь углей
Греет одиночество в моей груди,
Пряча нежеланный рассвет за покровом ночи.