A young couple is watching a movie in a movie theater.
She: "I think the guy next to me is jerking off."" He: "Why would you think that?" She: "He's using my hand."

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"

I responded,
"The gas, electric, and cable company."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A 60 year old millionaire got married with a 20 year old model.
When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age." They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

How do you make number one disappear?
You add a G and it's Gone

#wordplay@Sickipedia

How does the potion master please his girlfriend?

Elixir

Explanation: "elixir" sounds like "he licks her"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I asked out my crush and she told on me to the principal
I got fired

#other@Sickipedia

I never understood why childbirth is called delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.
I told him “bro, you were there!”

#other@Sickipedia

Two male deer walk out of a gay club.
One turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English
He looked at me and said “me? How?”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A termite walks into a bar and asks
"is the bar tender?"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Three friends decided to bet each other 100 pounds on who could make their wives scream more during sex.

They all went home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the met up again.
The first friend said, "I made love to my wife for two hours and she was screaming for at least one-and-a-half hours."
The second friend countered, "That's nothing. I started licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and a half-hour after that."
Then the third friend said, "That's pathetic. I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, I wiped my dick in the curtain, and she's still screaming..

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

The secret to a long life is to wake up every morning and…uh…uh, that’s about it.

~ George Burns

#other@Sickipedia

My wife prepared a list of 33 items I needed to get from the market. She warned me not to forget a single thing.
I forgot the shopping list

#other@Sickipedia

My buddy and his girlfriend role played as famous dictators in history
Now it's all he thinks about when he Caesar

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A guy hired a blind prostitute
He pulled down his pants and put his dick in her hands

She: "Sorry, I don't smoke!!"

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

What does a stoner with arthritis say when he can’t pick up his weed?
“Agh, my joints!”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife said it was my turn to put the baby down.
so I was like "You stupid ugly baby you suck at everything!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Had to take my son to the ER because he swallowed a toy train.
Doc said he bit off more than he could choo.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

The day after his wife vanished in a kayaking accident, Long, a man from Anchorage, opened his door to find two serious-looking Alaska State Troopers standing before him.

"Mr. Wilkens, we regret to inform you that we have news regarding your wife," one trooper began.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens blurted out, anxiously.

The troopers exchanged glances. One spoke, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some fantastic news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Bracing himself, a pale Mr. Wilkens responded, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we recovered your wife's body in Kachemak Bay this morning."

"Oh no!" gasped Wilkens.

After a moment, he gathered himself and asked, "So, what's the good news?"

The trooper explained, "Well, when we brought her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and six large Dungeness crabs attached to her. We're confident you’re entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Wilkens asked, "If that's the good news, then what's the fantastic news?"

With a straight face, the trooper replied, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow."

#other@Sickipedia