Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.
Finally my school karate classes became useful.

#other@Sickipedia

Cigarettes are like Linkin Park
It starts with one

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Doctor said the bad news is that my organs are all shutting down since I've only been eating dried, salted meats
But the good news is that I'm cured.


#wordplay@Sickipedia

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender points to a sign that says, "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks them to leave. They head out without a word.

The next day, a horse walks in. Same deal—bartender points to the sign, and with a long face, the horse leaves.

The following day, a chicken walks in. The bartender points to the sign again and says, "Sorry, no jokes served here."

The chicken, annoyed, asks, "Fine, but where can I get a drink?"

#other@Sickipedia

My wife said she would leave me if didn’t stop making jokes about European cities.
I’m determined not Toulouse her.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My doctor told me that I was going deaf.
That news was hard to hear

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Who was the least guilty American president?
Lincoln. He's in a cent.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My girlfriend dumped me while going up in an elevator.
It hurt me on many levels.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was today.
I told him it was between 9am and 3pm.

#other@Sickipedia

Breaking news: Scientists have finally discovered how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid.

Turns out, the Pharaoh placed the first block himself, then got two guys to place the next two blocks, telling them they'd get a cut if they found four guys to place the next four blocks, who then found eight guys to place the next eight blocks, who found sixteen guys to place the next sixteen blocks...

#other@Sickipedia

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey.

He takes a sip, then immediately spits it out.

“I asked for a 21-year-old whiskey! This is only 18 years. I’m not paying for this! Bring me a 12-year-old cognac instead.”

The bartender complies, but again,

the man spits it out.

“This is only 10 years old! I’m not paying for that either!”

Frustrated after several rounds of the same routine, the bartender pours another drink and says,

"This one’s on the house."

The man takes a sip, spits it out once more.

"This tastes like piss!"

The bartender sighs and replies,

"Alright, genius, now guess how old I am?"

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A receptionist is sitting at a doctors office when a priest walks up to her window and says I’m here for an 8:30 appointment

She finds his appointment and says “well it seems everything is in order but we don’t seem to have an emergency contact for you” to which he responds “I do not require one, if my lord and savior has plans for me there is no one to contact, for he knows where I am”

she agrees and he takes his seat a few minutes later a monk walks up and says “I’m here for an 8:45 appointment” she says “ I see your appointment but it seems that you don’t have a preferred pharmacist chosen, where would you like to fill your prescriptions?”

And he replies “that is not necessary as I will meditate and heal my body without western medicine” and she agrees.

A few minutes later a rabbit hops up to the counter and says “Im here for an appointment at 9:00” she looks in the schedule and says “I see your appointment but we don’t have your blood type” he looks at the priest and monk and says “I think I’m a type o”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

How do we know that Mike Tyson isn't very religious?
He punches people in the faith.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A young couple is watching a movie in a movie theater.
She: "I think the guy next to me is jerking off."" He: "Why would you think that?" She: "He's using my hand."

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?"

I responded,
"The gas, electric, and cable company."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A 60 year old millionaire got married with a 20 year old model.
When his friends asked him how he did it, he said: "I lied about my age." They then asked: "Ah, so you said you were 40?" He answered: "No I said I was 90."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

How do you make number one disappear?
You add a G and it's Gone

#wordplay@Sickipedia

How does the potion master please his girlfriend?

Elixir

Explanation: "elixir" sounds like "he licks her"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I asked out my crush and she told on me to the principal
I got fired

#other@Sickipedia

I never understood why childbirth is called delivery.
It should have been called takeout instead.

#wordplay@Sickipedia