Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it

#other
@Sickipedia

My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.

#other
@Sickipedia

What is Jesus’ least favorite sport?
Lacrosse.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager.
Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now.

#other
@Sickipedia

People these days are so judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them

#other
@Sickipedia

Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My son asked me what that thing on the back of a racecar is called.
I told him, I can't tell you because it's a spoiler.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?"

The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's the astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's the politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."

The man looks at the doctor, surprised… “that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"

The doctor turns to him and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

#politics
@Sickipedia

Poll question - do you think you're a horse?
No comments please, just yay or neigh.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
...especially because his name is Steve

#roats
@Sickipedia

A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?”
“A goldfish” I said.

She then asked “any hobbies?”

I replied “he likes swimming.”

#other
@Sickipedia

Why are prisoners virgins?
Because they are incels.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall.
You know. Somewhere I be long.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Why would T-Rex have a hard time playing the piano?

They're extinct.

#other
@Sickipedia

How do you make 7 even?

Take away the S.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
...It's called marriage.

#other
@Sickipedia

“I see,” Said the blind man as he peed into the wind, “it’s all coming back to me now.”

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My grandpa once said, “When I was a kid, you could go to the store with $2 and come home with a loaf of bread, a jug of milk, 2 candy bars and a cold drink.”
“Now, they have cameras.”

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.”
I went in as Batman.

#other
@Sickipedia

History teacher asked: What comes before B.C.?
Me: A.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia