What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

#worpdlay
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My friend: "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
Me: "Brochure"

#wordplay
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How many friendzoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just compliment it and get pissed that it won’t screw.

#other
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Apparently there are 3 marriage rings
The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

#wordplay
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Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging there. Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started!

#sexandshit
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Getting a haircut is sort of like having sex
You never want to hear someone say "uh oh" during it

#other
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My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.
I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.

#other
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What is Jesus’ least favorite sport?
Lacrosse.

#wordplay
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Never hire someone named Peter as your file manager.
Because it's an outdated profession, we have computers to do that now.

#other
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People these days are so judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them

#other
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Me and my friends started a band. We’re called 999 megabyte.
We still don’t have a Gig

#wordplay
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My son asked me what that thing on the back of a racecar is called.
I told him, I can't tell you because it's a spoiler.

#wordplay
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A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant.

A doctor comes in and says, "Congratulations! But unfortunately, since this is a new procedure, your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford."

The man says to the doctor, "Okay, what are they?"

The doctor says, “Well, first there's the engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's the astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally, there's the politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce."

The man looks at the doctor, surprised… “that's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?"

The doctor turns to him and says, “Sir, do you have any idea how many politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?"

#politics
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Poll question - do you think you're a horse?
No comments please, just yay or neigh.

#wordplay
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
...especially because his name is Steve

#roats
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A woman on the bus just asked me “do you have any pets?”
“A goldfish” I said.

She then asked “any hobbies?”

I replied “he likes swimming.”

#other
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Why are prisoners virgins?
Because they are incels.

#wordplay
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I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall.
You know. Somewhere I be long.

#wordplay
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I call it an elevator, but my British friend calls it a lift.
I guess we were just raised differently.

#wordplay
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Why would T-Rex have a hard time playing the piano?

They're extinct.

#other
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How do you make 7 even?

Take away the S.

#wordplay
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