Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

#crime

Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?

The Air Force, because its US AF.

#other

Why don't black people dream?

The last one who had a dream got shot.

#racism

I tried a vegan recipe book last night.

It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

#other

It must be difficult for Muslims in Britain, battling religious intolerance every day.

So that they can freely practice their intolerance based religion.

#religion

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

Anyway, I lost my job as a gynaecologist today.

#sexandshit

So I come home early one day and the wife is sitting cross-legged on the bed, completely naked.

"What's going on? Why are you naked?" I ask.

"Oh, it's just that I haven't got any clothes to wear," she replies.

"Bollocks," I say, throwing open the closet door. "Look, you've got tons of clothes. Here's a red dress, here's a blue dress, here's Fred, here's a flowered dress..."

#sexandshit

The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket...

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket.

#other

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said: "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

#sexandshit

My 4yr old son was struggling to open his yoghurt, When he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!".
My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?".
I said, "The fucking fridge, you silly cunt."

#sexandshit

Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

#events

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

#sexandshit

A kid went to his father and asked,
"Daddy, I fell in love and wan't to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father"

#sexandshit

There is a nudist convention on in town next week.

I might go if I have nothing on.

#other

"How about a blowjob? I asked my Thai girlfriend.

"No thanks," she replied.

#sexandshit

Why can't Athiests solve exponential problems?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

#religion

My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess, I won't be needing those anymore.

#illness

Most of the jokes posted here are like gay muslims:

Beaten to death.

#racism

My town's population never changes.

Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

#sexandshit

I have discovered a cure for premature ejaculation. It's a long winded process but it does work.

Twenty years of marriage.

#sexandshit

I have been experimenting with homosexuality. And just like small furry animals, homosexuals don't like being electrocuted either.

#sexandshit