"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

#crime

Her parents wanted her to date someone of her own ethnicity.

But Polly wanted a cracker.

#racism

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."
The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."
The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.

#other

What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

#other

2 men are robbing an apartment when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man. The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

#other

Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.

Captain: Are.

#other

What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

#other

A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.
"ephedrine?"
"I can't serve you that"
"sudoephedrine"
"There you go".

#other

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

#sexandshit

I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for two weeks.

That's how much I hate the fucking French.

#racism

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 now

#other

How Long is a chinese name?

Yes it is.

#racism

"Daddy what is a transvestite?"

"Ask Mommy, he knows."

#sexandshit

Dating is a lot like fishing.

Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

#sexandshit

I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."

My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."

I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."

#mortality

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist.

"What can I do for you?" He asked.

"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

#illness

In a press conference Police have announced they have found a body in a graveyard - They have also announced they found a car in a car park too.

#crime

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me.

#other

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.

#events

Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

#crime

I've nicknamed my cock Nicolas Cage.

It hasn't been in anything good for a very long time.

#celebrities