https://archive.org/details/a-fox-under-a-pink-moon-2025-720p-trailer saw this movie with my mom.. it smashed me

what i long for

silent meaning

without meaning
implicit, but unwordable

nothing to explain
yet saturated with a worldless meaning

its almost the opposite of ..
what i've been sold, sorry, told
i'm not sure which
to believe of as my culture
we were robbed, us, what
who we?
i don't know. I'm missing the pieces
that would make for an answer
that doesn't just raise more questions

this is what i mean,
we don't have meaning
we have explanations

i long for a silence that's not a bitter questionmark filled with holes
but a rest stop.
nuff said

ahhh another winter is coming to an end and i feel the return of the light fill me up, change my perspective. Time to let the shadows fall behind me and face the sun, the light, the music. Warm up , full swing, gallop! the year of the fire horse and i have all i need to go the distance .

Turns out when you take too much on yourself the whole circle suffers the loss of balance, and you end up looking like an asshole.

No matter how hard you worked and how deeply your commitment to the mission and the circle runs.

Tricky to find the balance of ‘service’ when theres an ego there looking for purpose and meaning!

i thank my heart for daring to remember that i am in love

i realise im a forest protector because it's the last thing there is left to be

i'm not sure if i just wrote some of hte best shit or the worst

i think i need to read it out loud before i'll know.

would you listen to it?

do ropes remember?
Every knot
Do i remember
all the love that i got

Maybe,
maybe not

Do ropes remember
Every loop?

Maybe,
It's not clear that they should

all your little worrying will not change the fact that you are guided and protected

i did not mean to go to Lisbon but here we are. I hardly meant to go to portugal! And now i’m in the side of Lisbon noone goes on purpose. The northern suburbs, full of black Brazilians. Far away from the consultancies and the hotels, half a day’s travel from it’s famous beaches. Crowded. Not like the beachhouse palaces i plopped my caravan down amongst. I just hope i can get back there before nightfall. Rejoin the happy surfer crowd or whatever. i’m grateful for having no choice but to witness reality’s other aspects. Eat some proper curry at a place called ‘Pizza Guru’. They feed me well.

It’s interesting. I came to the realization: “Cities are terrible places” back in Valencia.. it’s good that i did, because i would have tried to like Lisboa. It’s got something. Flavour smells, colours, plants i’ve never seen before. And apparently a large black community. Makes sense; i saw a glimpse of them waiting for the bus outside of the hillside mansions back on the coast. Domestic labour. Long commutes. Apartheid and class society are inseparable. Yeahhhh there are no coincidences. It’s fate that brought me here, to witness.

The bus driver told me he’s from Brazil, i suppose that’s true for most of them. I feel like a travel writer! a food blogger.. i don’t know. The world was too cruel a place for Anthony Bourdain to wanna stay here. I have thicker skin, but i’m less of a foody. This dish is called Rajma and it’s a thick curry with red beans and bright spices. I wanted golden rice but the guy said no: You get Jeera rice with Rajma. Ok. I won’t argue. No alcohol; i had some peach juice with it and i don’t think i’m going to finish all of my rice. It’s tasty but i’m going to have to navigate an hour and a half of public transport on a fridaynight in a city built on seven mountaintops that i’ve never visited before, didn’t mean to visit. Taking a 300km detour to bring back a rental car … But god does not roll dice, nor does she make mistakes. I just need to find a way to do my best with what i’m given. Make lemonade!

i prefer the situation where i have thoughts, to the situation where thoughts are having me. What this costs, is that i need to keep a sense of distance and suspicion to 'my' thoughts. Even especially good thoughts, especially when i have strong feelings associated with a thought. Damn! I don't get to go deep into enjoying the intense feelings associated with Being RIght anymore... but that's a price worth paying, ohhh it's worth paying.. because it avoids the steeper price of hubris, when we receive the inevitable bill for hubris.

I pay the price of scepticism of my own thoughts up front, rather than the price after the factr, of having mistakenly identified myself with my thoughts and learning the difference the hard way.

I'd rather not get to inflate my ego anymore with the perceived value of cool thoughts, than having to watch (and feel!) my ego get deflated when those thoughts lose their value when the ways in which they conflict with reality become apparent.