Reddit Programming

Programmer Manifesto
https://www.reddit.com/r/programming/comments/1jdxne4/programmer_manifesto/

Volume 11: Unleash the Fury (Third Attempt) "Alright, listen up, you over-caffeinated, self-important wannabe rockstars. I’m cranking this to volume 11, and when I’m done, there won’t be a safe space left for your fragile egos to hide. No hugs, no ‘it’s okay,’ and definitely no ‘maybe next time.’ This is your final warning before I rip apart your excuses like a toddler with a piñata." WELCOME TO REALITY—NO MORE HUGBOX CODING This isn’t daycare. It’s not a safe space for your fragile egos. It’s software engineering, and it’s time to level up or get the hell out of the way. Let’s break this down, habit by habit, and I swear, by the time we’re done, you’ll either become the most productive dev on the team—or the most unemployed one. Habit 1 - Monthly Metrics Check-In “If your numbers suck, don’t act shocked when I call you out. You earned that spotlight.” I’m not looking for warm, fuzzy feelings or hearing about how ‘busy’ you were. I care about your output, not your effort. We’ll be checking PR size, merge frequency, cycle time, and all the other numbers that scream, “This dev doesn’t know how to ship code on time.” Oh, you think small PRs aren’t important? You’re probably the same clown writing 5,000-line PRs and wondering why it takes days to review. Newsflash: Your big-ass PR isn’t a gift to humanity—it’s a dumpster fire nobody wants to deal with. Split it, review it, merge it, and move the hell on. Habit 2 - Flow Optimization “I’m not here to talk about your ‘flow state.’ I’m here to talk about why you’re slowing down ours.” Here’s the deal: PR flow matters more than your fragile sense of artistic expression. I don’t care if you think you’re the next Steve Jobs of clean code. If you’re clogging the pipeline with monster PRs, you’re the problem. Automation exists for a reason. If you’re still manually handling tasks that a bot can do, you’re either lazy, scared, or both. Don’t trust automation? Good. I don’t trust YOU to manage your time, so I’ll happily let a bot handle the things you can’t. Reduce toil. Kill unnecessary work. Or get automated out of the process. Habit 3 - Team Goal Setting “Goals aren’t dreams. They’re commitments. Break them, and we’re going to have a conversation you won’t enjoy.” Let me make this clear: half-assed goals get half-assed results, and I’m tired of developers setting goals they have no intention of meeting. I’m not accepting vague goals like “I’ll try to improve code coverage.” Try? No. You will. Or you’ll explain why you couldn’t without throwing your team under the bus. Your PR process goals will be specific: Reduce review time, increase merge frequency, lower PR size. Miss them once, we’ll talk. Miss them twice, and I’ll hand you a roadmap to mediocrity. Keep it up, and you’ll be the benchmark for what failure looks like. Habit 4 - Individual Developer Coaching “If you’re expecting a pep talk, turn around now. This is tough love, and you’ll leave better—or bitter.” Your 1:1 meetings aren’t coffee chats. They’re performance interrogations. I want data, blockers, productivity gaps, and your plan to fix them. Show up unprepared, and I’ll happily reassign you to bug fixes until you remember how to deliver value. You don’t get to hide behind your feelings. You’ll confront the blockers you created. We’ll talk about why your merge times are slower than a tortoise on vacation. And if your answer starts with “I didn’t have enough time,” then maybe you shouldn’t have wasted half your day debating linting rules in Slack. Fix your gaps or find another sandbox to play in. Habit 5 - Project Status Meetings “Bring your excuses, and I’ll bring a shovel to bury them.” These meetings aren’t for chit-chat. We’re here to talk data, not your feelings. I want to see your WIP, blockers, merge rates, and resource allocation. If you’re not contributing to progress, you’re holding the

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