She suddenly dreamed... that the source of existence would spring forever from her, the pascalian dream, an infinity of lives descending from her in an endless line, she woke up half mad
—Jacques Lacan | death

Lacan's obsession with death mirrors my own obsession with dreams

كيف لي أن أقارنكِ، يا عزيزتي، بأي أحد؟
ينبغي أن أقارنكِ بأجمل النساء

تِلك التي بنظرتها المبهجة تلامس القلب
وتلك التي بخطواتها الناعمة جاءت دون سابق انذار

الأكثر بُعدًا، والأشد رغبة وشوقًا

Dear father, a professional when it comes to ruining my mood

I said good morning and made him coffee what else is there to do

Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious as it is in dreams that the ego's defenses are lowered so that some of the repressed material comes through to awareness, albeit in distorted form
—Sigmund Freud

Can't help but wonder if he was there all along, standing by my crib, watching me as I grew and as I eventually left the house behind

I know I felt horrible the night before departure

It's again that odd feeling that I can't tell whether I'm asleep or awake