Y'ALL

THIS SHIT'S GOOD

وحشتناک‌ترین کابوسو دیدم. صبحونمو خوردم میام براتون تعریف میکنم.

اینطور بود که چند روز بود همه جا خبر پیچیده بود مردم سوئد به یه چیزایی شک کردن و اینترنتاشونو خاموش کردن و کلاً ارتباطشون با تکنولوژی رو قطع کردن. چند وقت بعد چندتا کشور اروپایی دیگه هم همینطور شد. کم کم خبرا پخش شد که موبایلا خودشون برای خودشون تایپ میکنن و کار انجام میدن.

اینطوری شده بود که مثلا یکی حین حرف زدن یا تایپ کردن یا نوشتن یا هر کاریش که بود، یهو شروع میکرد به تکرارِ گفتن/نوشتنِ این جمله " I understand. I understand " و یهو ربات میشد. یعنی با همون ظاهر انسانی بودن ولی ربات شده بودن. من توی خونمون بودم و تبدیل شدن اعضای خانوادمو دیدم و وقتی خودم داشتم تبدیل میشدم از خواب پریدم.

یادمه توی خواب میگفتن تمام این مدت از طریق امواج اینترنت و ماهواره‌ها یه چیزایی به ما اضافه و یه چیزایی از ما کم کرده بودن که بتونن رباتمون کنن.

۱۸ دی ۹۹

" I want you to wanna kiss me so bad that you don't even ask. "

This sentence is so toxic and I know that but I'm just really sad and desperate tonight.

I hate sugar high.

you ever read poetry that touches your heart so profoundly that with it’s haunting fragility you want nothing more to externalize in the celestial heaven it belongs, to sit next to the thrones of emily dickinson, walt whitman and edgar allan poe. to drip like honey in warm milk and remind you that poetry is not words escaping one’s mouth, but a melody finding it’s place in your head.

tumblr | literature-cult

کاش دشمن خونیم که سعی کرده شوهرمو بکشه و من به طرز بدی شیفتش هستم از نقاشی یه قتل برام کارت پستال میفرستاد.

Watch "Taylor Swift - Willow - But it's John Mulaney saying, "That's my wife!"" on YouTube
https://youtu.be/CWWE1Pt_iEk

I feel like I should make one of these.

I'm not addicted to food. I used to eat a lot 2 years ago at the peak of my depression. I had a diet controlled by a doctor and I stopped that diet due to the horrible depression and anxiety I had. I used to eat when I was sad or felt useless and tbh school and my parents weren't helping. I'm not a smart person ( in the standards of the educational system ) and I can't live up to expectations. The ppl around me kept on hurting me bc I couldn't get good marks. I lost around 10 kg and then got em all back bc I stopped my healthy diet. Haven't checked my weight since February 2019 and that's bc I'm controlling my food and how I eat but I'm afraid that if I check my weight it'd be the same as or more than before.

I'm tired of clothes not fitting me and I'm tired of putting make up on and removing it immediately. I'm tired of having clothes in my closet but only wearing two of them 99% of times. One for spring and summer and the other during fall and winter.

I used to eat a lot of sugar but I stopped that and that makes me happy every time I think about it. I control the amount of carbs and proteins I consume. Been a bit restrict about the amount of meat I eat.

I started counting calories 3 months ago. The only difference I noticed was an old jeans of mine fitting me again. Yet the ppl around me said and still say that I haven't changed. Most of them don't say it but I know they think I'm lying about controlling how I eat. They keep repeating these sentences " stop eating! " , " you're always eating! " , " eat less! " . And I think to myself why do they say those things when I just told them I have 800 calories a day? How do they assume I'm constantly eating when in reality I'm not?

I don't eat snacks anymore and if I do I skip dinner. I count my fucking calories. I'm not able to exercise but I'm not in my bed all the time. Why do ppl and my friends assume I'm constantly eating when I'm not even the kind to send pictures of my food?

I don't know. I just feel like an ex drug addict who's been clean for several years but ppl think they're lying about being clean. I posted a photo of a cup of tea and my cousin told me to stop eating.

Sorry I bullshited y'all. Didn't mean to.