watching b99's last episode

Ugly crying right now

شیشم که بودم یکی از بچه‌ها ارتودنسی کرد و فکر کنم میخواست گیت کیپش کنه چون به همه میگفت ته سیمارو بدون بی حسی فرو میکنن توی لثه‌ها

بالا پایین پریدن دکتر و لبخندای ایمی و روری تنها چیزایی هستن که به من سروتونین میدن اخیرا. ولی همونم فقط حوصله‌ی روزی یه قسمتو دارم.

TW// BINGE EATING , ED , being unalive , depression

( excuse my english <3 )

i think it's time for me to be honest with myself.

Tomorrow night , i'm going to be binge eating so hard that i probably won't be able to wake up the day after. I'd rather not wake up than to wake up and hate myself.

I'm going to enjoy the binge eating bc i'll be watching my safe show ( sex education ) but i know i'll hate myself. I know the minute the show ends, i'll hate myself and i probably will hate myself on thursday and on friday and during the next week. I will defenitly hate myself when i feel hungry but i'm so full that i want to throw up.

And i know the binge eating will make me hate myself so much but i already do. I already have a neat eating routine. I have enough carbs and shit. I eat my fruits and veggies. My period is being good. The only problem is my IBS but that's just it. And with all of this and all of the healthy eating i have, i still hate my body. I hate everything about it. I don't want to buy any clothes. I don't even want to go in the streets bc what if i see a piece of clothing that i like but it won't fit?

And i'm so done with all the other shit i haven't achieved that i think i don't deserve not being able to have my ideal body. Bc i have nothing. I really have nothing except hatred. And i wish the hatred was for other people but it's all for myself. I hate this soul and body that is me. I hate everything about my existence so much.

It sucks. It sucks bc i don't want to die. I want to enjoy this sucky life, i want to get out of this fucking city and see different people and read new books and listen to louis' new album and watch harry be able to be open. I'm excited about so many shit in this world. I'm waiting for so many stuff. Waiting to eat sushi, to eat a proper ramen, to sing off the top of my lungs in a concert, to have my own place, to learn languages.

I want to have a job and buy groceries for my house. I want to cook for other people. I want to get tattoos and kiss someone and love someone. I want to have an automatic car bc stick shift is fucking awful. I want to write a book and grow old and not care about anything.

And if none of this is gonna happen and the world ends in 5 years, i want to watch the world end. Because i deserve a good ending. I deserve closure.

I want to heal, i want to feel every feeling and not just sadness. I want to show feelings. I want to be happy. I'm tired of being happy because of the new season of a show. I want to be happy because of a situation i'm in. I want to be happy for me. I want to be happy with me. I deserve it. And i swear to god, we all deserve it.

Ps: i wrote this the 1st day of my period after driving with a stick shift car for an hour and a half and having the car turn off 3 times in a busy street.

" i like dogs. "
" i'm a cat person. "
" of course you are. "

Sex education made me so sad i had to put the rest of my pizza in the fridge bc i can't eat and cry at the same time.