‌ ‌‌‌ ‌
Eshi can you stop telling us to leave biyans?

here.

journal log

you know how when someone’s speaking and they clear their throat, or say “ehm ehm” to gather their thoughts? i think i’ve found the writing equivalent. for me it’s the squiggly “squ squ” of my pen against paper or shaking the pen like it’s about to say something too. and when idk what to write, i doodle. that’s my “ehm ehm” in writing little pauses before i let my real words spill.
so attention please.
squ squ
i’ve been thinking about some moments that really pivoted my life. one of the biggest has been changing schools. i’ve changed four in total, and each one felt like i was slipping into a new version of myself. the last one well that’s where i found the version of me that’s still here today.
the truth is, the last three weren’t good for me. they made me an easy target. and yet, even though i hated having to leave them behind, a part of me clung to the ego of it all. i went from a “better” school to one that was cheaper, and in my head, that was a downgrade. it humbled me in ways i didn’t want. no more clubs. no more activities. no more familiar friends. no more life as i knew it.
i had the choice to fight for a different school maybe even a “great” one, but i didn’t. back then, i just wanted to be the “good child”the one who doesn’t ask for too much, who says yes to everything. at least until i couldn’t anymore.
but if you ask me today if i regret joining that school? my answer is no. not at all. because that’s where i met my best friend ,my first friends i was too grown, too tough ,to be talked bad about. that school, even though it wasn’t shiny, gave me things the costly schools couldn’t. it was more religious, which i resisted at first, but it also gave me a deeper connection to things i had brushed off like knowing what prayer is, or what a bible really says.
when i look back now, i see how much i lost, but also how much i gained. if point a hadn’t happened point b wouldn’t have. maybe i would’ve become a spoiled, hollow version of myself. instead i saw my own potential in the cracks, in the tough days, in the things i thought were unfair.

the point if i have one is this: i’m not grateful in the forced sense of the word. i don’t thank the hardships like they were gifts and nobody should but i also don’t resent them anymore. i just accept that they shaped me. we shouldn’t feel forced to be grateful for everything we go through. what we can do is stop making those memories the place of our misery.
writing this is easier than living it, ik but i can’t blame or glorify the past for what it did to my present. i can only keep moving forward, into a future that may or may not exist.

Ellowwww

You need a check Freab.

I finally had a really good nap today.

Too much grass,
Go back inside.
Oh and good morning.

I can't do a handstand anymore.
I can't do more than 10 push-ups.
I can't win a race.
Blaming it on my weight.
Man, I used to climb trees
now I can't even lift a finger. My athletic days are long gone.

Things I've learned to do just out of curiosity

- I can weld( መበየድ) metals
I learned it on my own.
- I can set up a complete solar panel system and a water pump( with all equipments provided)
- I can start a car engine without keys
thanks to my uncle.
- I can make a canvas.
- I think I know the steps on how to make furniture.( don't we love the ego) I used to help my brother ,on his projects
- crocheting( not good but not bad either)

I have this urge to prove I can do anything, I love መፍጋት.
And now I am the one being called to handle stuff around the house.

Still lazy but yeah.

Now that I think about it, being the little one affected me.
Everything I did or am doing is to prove that I am not little.
Agh hyper independence.
😀😀😀

Me lore was
The only way to make me unbraid my hair or take care of it was when my brother threatened me, if I didn't in an hour that he would wash and braid it, algabchuhemmm
it was so painful getting washed by him.
Whenever we went on vacation and my mom wouldn't come, he was the one who used to wash and tie it, so I made my dad buy me a cap and wore that for the whole vacation. I even had a beanie too just so he wouldn't touch my hair.😭
Ahunm that gave me ptsd that I don't like when he sees my hair undone.

Unbothered.
I just love how cats know who they are.

Is it bad that I know so many people?

The fear that comes along is worse, the more you know, the more you lose.

schmidt!!!!

good morning!
have a great dayyy

My only plan for this month is to get through my TBR list, for the love of God!!! At least 5.

Guess who is experiencing eye pain because it refuses to wear its glasses because it hates the frame?

Be miserable until it gets exhausting, until even misery itself feels heavy to carry. Taste the darkness, the bitterness, until you start missing the light, until you crave the sweetness you once knew before it rotted away. Let it sink so deep that your bones ache, hold your breath in grief until you turn purple, until the numbness sets in and you finally realize this weight is proof you’re still alive that this whole thing has trapped you in ways you never thought it could. Getting out isn’t easy ik
At some point you get tired of being tired, and that exhaustion becomes the push. Discomfort is supposed to move us make us uncomfortable but somewhere along the way we forgot that. Sitting in misery is like sitting on something sharp the first sting should be enough to make you rise, but the longer you stay, the deeper it cuts and the more it convinces you that this is where you belong.
Sometimes you have to let yourself reach the bottom, to be fully worn out, fully broken, before you finally rise out of the misery, and the irony is when you take a peek, you see that you have lost so much giving life its excuses and you are stuck in the same way you were.
I need to let it sting again. I need it to wake me, think it did a bit because numbness has only kept me stuck.
I am tired of being tired, and maybe this is my turning point, the shove I’ve been waiting for.
When I look at the time I wasted and the things I lost, I finally see it clearly I am alive. And because I am alive, I have no choice but to make something out of it.
I can’t stay here anymore. Maybe the it will never leave me completely, maybe I’ll always carry pieces of it inside me,in the end, it’s me. And if I let myself down, then I lose everything and that will prove that I am not better and I deserve every bit of it, if I am not better.