The sky, vast and endless,
never fails to amaze me,
a canvas of dreams
where my thoughts can soar.
I hold it close, a silent witness
to my solitude.
But how I wish to capture
not just the sky,
but the presence of people too,
to frame them within my view.

Don’t touch my sorrow it's the refuge where my deepest thoughts dwell.
Don’t take my laziness as a flaw it's the armor I wear protecting me from the things that silently gulp me.
I know it’s eating me alive but don’t rush to save me don’t pull me out of the abyss.
Let me linger in my misery it’s the dark humor that keeps me breathing, the weight that grounds me.
Don’t strip away the heaviness that I cling to, or tell me I’m drowning just let me sink.
Let the darkness consume me in that void I find a strange ease a place where I can finally be still.
I'm fine truly. I’m not as lost as you think I’m not as shattered as I seem.
This is where I need to be for now. And if I rise again will be on my terms in my own time.

I WON.

You are only allowed to makolamet me if your sentence ends with thatttt.

Gather around people.

It’s like sometimes I see myself as two parts the damaged and the undamaged. I switch between them expecting more from one while trying to silence the other when she wants more.

I have to stop seeing her from a distance watching with a mix of longing and fear. I have to step in and embrace her where l start to let myself act like you’re mine because we aren’t two separate beings. I see myself as a parent and inside is a child and she needs to achieve or act fine when others interact. We’re one intertwined yet I keep this divide pretending that she's someone I can reach only when she has achieved when you’ve become what I expect. But the truth is I just need to pick her up the girl you’ve always been because she is you in all her flawed beautiful complicated entirety.

I’ve distanced myself because I’m too afraid to accept her too afraid of the reality that she might never be who I keep dreaming she could be. I see her as someone else, a stranger almost, because that’s easier than embracing her with all her scars and unmet expectations. I keep talking about her like she’s a third person someone I’ll get to later, someone I’ll love and take care of once she’s worth once she’s accomplished, once she feels human enough. But that’s just an act, a coping mechanism, because the hardest thing is to simply hold her now, to love her now, even when she feels lost even when she isn’t perfect.

I have to learn to see you not from a distance but up close with all your mess and all your grace and accept that you are already enough. There’s no need to wait no need to achieve more to deserve my care. I have to pick you up now, because you are already mine.
I am her, and she is me
tangled reflections in a fractured mirror imperfect but sometimes whole Even when it doesn’t feel like it
even when the lines blur.
She is me.

“Be careful what you wish for” is not just a warning it’s a truth I’ve lived. I used to wish for simple things like two birthday cakes and I got them. But they were never together they are now in different places like my life split between two worlds.

I was that kid thrilled by the idea of having something special but the excitement faded fast. It was like having everything yet feeling nothing, just an empty joy that flickered and disappeared.
The cakes became symbols of all the things I never quite had things that were there but never fully mine. After that it was hard to feel anything with the same intensity. Happiness became distant and even now I catch myself reaching for moments that never seem to stick.
I kept wishing for more thinking maybe if I had this or that it would finally feel different. But no matter what I got it never seemed to last it was all temporary all conditional. I learned to expect less to guard myself against disappointment, and slowly that hopeful kid who once wished for two cakes just stopped wishing altogether. Now it’s like I’m searching for a feeling that I’m not sure even exists anymore something I lost along the way and can’t quite name moments that faded too fast like shadows of dreams that were never meant to last.

You wake up to the sound of an alarm you set for school but you’re too lazy to turn it off. You remember it’s Friday and you have to go to church. You think about visiting your grandmother. You get uptake a shower get dressed and grab some cash some from yours and some from your brother’s wallet. You pack your things head out and wait for a taxi. When it arrives you choose a seat trying to find a spot where you won’t be too close to anyone. But the man next to you crowds in spilling everything he has onto your side. The taxi is packed and you can’t say anything so you try to numb yourself trying to ignore the feeling of his arm pressing against your side your skin painfully aware of the closeness you are always too conscious to any touch even if it's not on purpose. you remind yourself why you hate public transport but you have no choice this is you being too much.

You look out the window trying to distract yourself and suddenly, you’re in front of the church. There are so many people. You remember the days when you and your friend used to come here.The place feels different now crowded and strange. And then in a blink you’re at your grandmother’s house. You see her smiling at you and she gives you a warm hug. You kiss her cheek. This feels like home. Maybe that’s why you hate hugs that never feel like hers.

She tells you to eat but you decide to make her coffee instead. She compliments your dress, and for a moment you feel beautiful. You pour her a cup and she drinks it slowly savoring every sip. She asks about your brothers the usual questions. You tell her they’re busy the usual lie that they don’t come home often only visit once a month. She says to tell them she misses them but you know you never will. She goes on about why they should come, then stops and sighs saying“I just hope they’re okay right where they are.”

You finish the coffee and go to lie on her bed. The bed feels soft familiar and comforting. You fall into a deep sleep. You dream of being in your own bed. You see your mother feeding you because she hates leftovers you left and tells you she made it so you can eat and she doesn't want to throw it out.She puts everything on a big platter and feeds each of you, going from room to room. You hear your brothers resisting saying they’re full. You know you’re going to be next so you pretend to be asleep but she knows you’re not. She wakes you up and tries to feed you. You resist, angry at her angry because you don’t want to eat.

At the time you felt annoyed frustrated but now you miss it. The things you never expected to become memories have turned into some of the deepest ones. You miss that feeling the way she cared the way she insisted. You wish you could wake up to it one more time.

You’re back in your grandmother’s house staring at the ceiling now you are awake The room feels so comfortable almost like home. You hear the rain outside and it sounds peaceful cozy. You glance at your phone and realize you’ve slept for three hours. You look back up at the ceiling and without realizing tears start to run down your face. You don’t move you’re still silent your eyes fixed on a spot above. Your body feels heavy and eventually your eyes close again you are asleep again.

Then you hear your name. Your grandmother is calling you. You’ve slept too long she is kinda worried asks if your sick now you have a headache for thinking too much of the things you shouldn't and she says you need to eat. Slowly you get up feeling the weight of your dreams still clinging to you and you go to her but somehow it felt good.

And in that moment you realize that maybe you don’t need to hold onto every memory so tightly. Maybe it’s okay to let them come and go, like the rain outside. Maybe it’s enough just to be here in this fleeting moment
with someone who loves you someone who knows all the parts of you that you sometimes forget. Now You close your eyes and thank God you still exist.

I can never say I lowered my standards. I have never had any just show me for an instant, that I exist and that’s all I could ask for.
yet still, that was plenty.