so leaving for college tomorrow, and just thinking about it is making me sad. like i’ve been trying to figure out what exactly makes me so sad about going back and well it’s everything. mostly the people. i hate my college. like seriously HATE hate. it’s full of the most basic kind of people. and not even basic in a fun way. like genuinely shallow, no originality, no thoughts of their own. nothing that would make you want to actually want to know them. and i haven’t found a single person in that entire place who i actually like. not even one. and maybe the saddest part of all is that none of them even care about what we’re studying. there's literally zero passion or curiosity. not even basic interest in the course. not one good discussion, not one real conversation about ideas or books or literally anything worth talking about. in the beginning, i tried. because it was exciting. being in a new place, getting to study something i actually liked. i thought maybe there’d be people to talk to about it and share stuff with. but no.
well i have a small group of people i sometimes (almost the whole day) hang out with. and in the beginning, it felt fun. we did impulsive and crazy stuff. but now i’m over it. they’re so problematic. i’ve missed classes because of them and i regret it now. gotten pulled into drama i didn’t ask for. everyone’s lives are full of chaos. cheating and breakups and guys and guys and more guys and the most baseless talks and somehow i always end up listening to the whole saga because im scared to be alone.
one of them is sleeping with literally every other guy while being in a ldr and then justifying it to me. and i’m just sitting there, blinking. its not like i havent tried knocking some sense into her. but well you cant do anything if the other person doesnt gives 2 cents for your opinions. so i have just adopted the method of nodding and saying the things the other person would want to listen to. and they always talk about boys. like, constantly. boys, boys, boys. the guy they’re dating. the guy they want. the guy who cheated. the guy who said “hey” in the corridor. enough. your life cannot revolve around men this much. and even if it does, SHUT UP. i do not want to listen to any of it.
and that’s the circle i’m stuck in. and the worst part is, that’s it. that’s my environment. those are the people i’m surrounded by. and then there’s home.
which, let’s be honest, has never been perfect. the people here say the same old things, the same tired patterns. and yeah, it gets to me sometimes. or well, used to. but it’s been 19 years of this. and i guess it’s just become a habit now. i don’t even care anymore what they say. and honestly i do have alot of love for them because they do love me too somewhere. despite everything, its peaceful here. i feel happy most (if not all) of the time. the past 2 months literally flew by and i wish i could stay for a longer time but well, untill next time i guess.

i don’t usually rant like this. it always makes me feel like i’m over exaggerating, like i should just suck it up because everyone has problems and maybe mine aren’t even that deep.
and maybe that’s true. maybe i am being dramatic. but right now i’m just so sad cuz of leaving. and if i don’t say it out loud somewhere, i feel like i’ll explode.
so i’m saying it just so it’s not all sitting inside me. also maybe i can come back and read this

ts so tuff 🥀🥀

i want to be so disgustingly over educated on every topic there is. like if im having a conversation with someone, i want to know exactly what they are talking about, i want to know all the references and obscure facts. i want to be able to add something to the conversation.
right now im kinda obsessed with geography. like, researching about every country, their culture (which is a deep dive on its own and i love it), the politics of that country, different associations or island chains etc etc etc and its so fun.
so basically the goal is to say "oh i know that" in any random conversation about the most random things.

also im doing this on a very shaky ass bus and my screen is literally wobbling.

sounds इंट्रेस्टिंग.
you know that feeling when you’re getting into something new and you just want to share it with someone because it’s too good to keep to yourself?
and it’s not even for exams or marks or any of that boring shit. it’s just for the joy of knowing. like learning just for the sake of learning. that’s honestly the best part for me.

also honestly, if you guys are reading something cool or learning anything new, i’d love to know about it. please do tell me what you’re into these days.
there’s something so contagious about that kind of enthusiasm. when someone starts describing something they’ve been obsessed with lately, it’s always beautiful to see. it makes me want to learn even more tbh

the bus is old and loud and everything’s shaky. the window, the seat, my brain a little bit too. it’s dark outside, like properly dark, except for some flickering ढाबा lights at intervals. but the moon is shining stupidly bright. and i have all these useless thoughts in my head, but i’m just looking at the moon. because it’s so pretty. like really pretty. and i think i really like the moon.

my roman empire will always be:
“WHY WOMEN?”
from period cramps to hormonal diseases to giving birth to menopause to post menopausal depression to endometriosis, to medicines not being tested on women
to our diseases being under-researched, and our pain being dismissed
to oppression and patriarchy, so fucking engraved and stitched into all of us that once you start seeing it, there’s no going back.
dowry. r@pe cases happening so often. sex rackets. child marriage.
women being burned, assaulted, harassed, objectified- treated like a thing instead of a being, and what not.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THE PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT MISOGYNY KILLS WOMEN AND MISANDRY IS A REACTION TO MISOGYNY?

even our ancient scriptures show draupadi being assaulted in a bhari sabha, I know, I know, they got punished and it was to show what happens to those who commit such heinous crimes,
but WHY a WOMAN?
maata sita ka apharan and yes, all of these show the punishment you’ll get, I get it, but why even foreshadow it? why must there be a world where all of this has to happen, again and again and again to women.

why does violence have to be against a woman to make a point?
why is “female suffering” the plot?
and then she was saved, why, WHY must she be harmed first?

why is my anger being policed, while men’s rage is normalized?
have you ever heard the guttural roar of a woman giving birth?
the RAGE you see is OURS
and it is OURS to OWN.

i’ve been getting a few messages on anon for the past few days asking me to promote your channels. and i just want to say that i don’t do promotions. simply because that’s not what this space is for. i just want to keep it genuine and personal. i believe that if your content connects with people, they’ll find it and appreciate it on their own and not because someone told them to. and to be honest, me saying “subscribe this” doesn’t magically make people join your channel unless they genuinely like it. and i’m sorry if this sounds rude. i’m just really bad at declining nicely and i feel guilty every time i have to say no. but yeah, please don’t ask me to promote your channel.

also, just saying, every time i get an anon message, i get a little excited. like maybe someone’s talking about something they love, or sharing something random or interesting or personal. but then i open it and it’s just another “promote my channel” most of the times and i’m like. oh. okay.

am i obsessed with commas?

i sometimes honestly wonder how i end up writing so much here. because in general i hate typing. like, genuinely hate it.