nessnote

when i look back, there was a phase in my life that i really regret. because of how far i drifted from who i actually was. it was a time when i was really insecure and unsure of myself, and just trying to fit in somewhere. it was during this vulnerable period that i encountered an individual who, to me, embodied a kind of allure shaped by internet aesthetics and dominant youth subcultures. someone who smoked, drank, pursued casual relationships, cheated for fun, and operated with a kind of performative detachment from any moral or emotional responsibility. so basically the textbook example of a red flag. and for some reason, that seemed cool to me. like that was what being fearless or grown up looked like to me. influenced by both my insecurity and a desire to be accepted, i began to imitate aspects of this person’s worldview and behaviour, even though it stood in direct conflict with my own values. i changed the way i spoke, the way i thought, even the way i treated people. and the worst part was, i started being rude to the people who actually cared about me. i distanced myself from them. because they reminded me of a version of myself i was trying to suppress. i had convinced myself that coldness was maturity and detachment was power. and in the process, i hurt people who had only ever offered me sincerity. i came dangerously close to losing them entirely. some of those losses, i now understand, were permanent. the whole thing was exhausting. i was pretending all the time. i was trying to be someone i wasn’t, and deep down, i knew it. i’d do things and immediately feel uncomfortable, but still kept doing them because i didn’t know how to stop without admitting i’d gone wrong. eventually, i took a step back. i realised that i didn’t like the person i was becoming. i didn’t want to keep living like that. i wanted to feel connected to myself and to the people who mattered to me and to the things i actually cared about again. so i distanced myself from that person and started undoing some of the damage. some people came back. some didn’t. and i’ve made peace with that.
i still regret that time. i wish i hadn’t wasted it performing for someone else’s approval. but i also learned from it. i know now that being kind and actually learning things that matter to me, that’s the kind of “cool” i believe in. and i never want to lose myself like that again.

❤15💔1

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