do my eyes look sleep deprived, bored, bitchy, half dead, half awake, done, tired, bankrupt, drained by social interaction of 10 minutes, lagging, loser, pathetic, unimpressed, autistic, insufferable, sad, hot, yearner, confused, dumb, starved, burned out, anxious, empty, disgusted, social vampire, annoyed????
🥰11❤3
i'm actually a very quiet person in comparison to the amount of things that go on in my head. its literally a circus up there
❤12
when i look back, there was a phase in my life that i really regret. because of how far i drifted from who i actually was. it was a time when i was really insecure and unsure of myself, and just trying to fit in somewhere. it was during this vulnerable period that i encountered an individual who, to me, embodied a kind of allure shaped by internet aesthetics and dominant youth subcultures. someone who smoked, drank, pursued casual relationships, cheated for fun, and operated with a kind of performative detachment from any moral or emotional responsibility. so basically the textbook example of a red flag. and for some reason, that seemed cool to me. like that was what being fearless or grown up looked like to me. influenced by both my insecurity and a desire to be accepted, i began to imitate aspects of this person’s worldview and behaviour, even though it stood in direct conflict with my own values. i changed the way i spoke, the way i thought, even the way i treated people. and the worst part was, i started being rude to the people who actually cared about me. i distanced myself from them. because they reminded me of a version of myself i was trying to suppress. i had convinced myself that coldness was maturity and detachment was power. and in the process, i hurt people who had only ever offered me sincerity. i came dangerously close to losing them entirely. some of those losses, i now understand, were permanent. the whole thing was exhausting. i was pretending all the time. i was trying to be someone i wasn’t, and deep down, i knew it. i’d do things and immediately feel uncomfortable, but still kept doing them because i didn’t know how to stop without admitting i’d gone wrong. eventually, i took a step back. i realised that i didn’t like the person i was becoming. i didn’t want to keep living like that. i wanted to feel connected to myself and to the people who mattered to me and to the things i actually cared about again. so i distanced myself from that person and started undoing some of the damage. some people came back. some didn’t. and i’ve made peace with that.
i still regret that time. i wish i hadn’t wasted it performing for someone else’s approval. but i also learned from it. i know now that being kind and actually learning things that matter to me, that’s the kind of “cool” i believe in. and i never want to lose myself like that again.
i still regret that time. i wish i hadn’t wasted it performing for someone else’s approval. but i also learned from it. i know now that being kind and actually learning things that matter to me, that’s the kind of “cool” i believe in. and i never want to lose myself like that again.
❤15💔1
they are turning me 19 tomorrow. i feel like i wasted my golden unemployment days. i’ve reached justin bieber/rakhi sawant level of crash out. should i turn into kanye?
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