i thought i would leave all of this behind with the old year. but i suppose made promises out of desperation. they were brittle promises tho. i should have known they would crack the moment i touched them. why do i insist on dressing myself up as someone better every january? i knew i wasn’t that strong and still i let myself believe that naming a new year could cauterize old wounds. i ruin things with such precision that it feels almost deliberate, like i am loyal only to my own undoing. i told myself i wouldn’t text him again, but my hands moved faster than my brain. the worst part is not that i failed, but that i already know i will fail again. it’s a pattern.
so why keep up the facade? why pretend i am cured when i am still bleeding in the same places? i am exhausted by my own performance of recovery. i want to get better but there is a part of me that reaches backward, that drags me down because at least there i know the shape of my misery.
maybe this is what it means to live inside yourself - to be both the wound and the hand that keeps pressing on it, wondering why it won’t heal.

i close my eyes trying to summon sleep but all i see are the memories i want to bury six feet under the ground.

never, i repeat, NEVER, go through your old texts with old friends because what the actual fuck? why was i talking like that? how did anyone even understand what i was trying to say? why were people replying to me at all? i wouldn’t talk to me. that version of me doesn’t deserve human interaction.
why was i even looking at texts from 3 years back man UGH

losing three friendships in a single day is crazy.

chutiya toh hu mai 🤣🤣🤣

i like erwin. i think erwin is going to die. i will miss erwin. (imagine i end up being wrong again)

I NEED A 3D MANEUVER GEAR

armin loves getting princess treatment, i love armin.

oh-

um hello excuse me?

what?

painted nails in a color other than mulberry wine after ages. i think the silver looks good.

i'm sorry oranges but i think i love अनार more.

yaar i'm such an idiot. kms cuz what even is this

i hope something good happens to me. i hope something good happens to you. i hope something good happens to all of us.

i wanna cut my hair so bad rn (diy btw)

i tried blue eyeshadow-

spam "bekar"