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attention is a drug. it starts off quite harmlessly. someone notices you, listens to you, looks at you with a little care, and now you want more of it. your brain starts waiting for it. and once you start getting attention, you slowly get addicted to it. to the point where it feels like you exist for their gaze. you go through your day imagining them watching you, noticing you, thinking about you. even when they’re not actually doing any of that.
i know people say this comes from childhood neglect or not feeling seen enough while growing up. that explanation makes sense, i guess. because when you’ve always felt overlooked, even a little bit of attention feels huge. and when someone gives it to you, you don’t just like it but you kind of devote yourself to it. you start holding onto it too tightly. the thing is, i both love and hate attention. i love it when i’m getting it. but the moment i realise this is a pattern, that i’m reading too much into every little thing, that i’m hyperfixating on their habits and their tone and their words, i start hating it. because then i realise it’s mostly just me. there isn’t really another person involved at the level i’m operating on.
i’m also extremely awkward with attention. like when someone comes to me with their problems, my brain immediately spirals. oh my god they want advice from me. they must consider me a friend. what do i say. this sounds fake. this sounds like something i read somewhere. is this even real advice. they’re probably regretting telling me this. why am i like this.
attention doesn’t make me confident. it makes me nervous. i start squirming under it. i don’t know how to hold it properly. and then when the attention goes away, the withdrawal hits. things start feeling bleak. you start overthinking. you start getting angry and sad and restless all at once. and that’s when you realise something uncomfortable, that you didn’t really like the person as much as you thought you did. you just liked the attention. you liked how being noticed made you feel.
i would write about how to cope with this, but i can’t. i’m still dealing with it myself. so yeah. attention is a drug. and i think most of us are addicted to it in some way. and i’m still trying to figure out what to do about that.
i know people say this comes from childhood neglect or not feeling seen enough while growing up. that explanation makes sense, i guess. because when you’ve always felt overlooked, even a little bit of attention feels huge. and when someone gives it to you, you don’t just like it but you kind of devote yourself to it. you start holding onto it too tightly. the thing is, i both love and hate attention. i love it when i’m getting it. but the moment i realise this is a pattern, that i’m reading too much into every little thing, that i’m hyperfixating on their habits and their tone and their words, i start hating it. because then i realise it’s mostly just me. there isn’t really another person involved at the level i’m operating on.
i’m also extremely awkward with attention. like when someone comes to me with their problems, my brain immediately spirals. oh my god they want advice from me. they must consider me a friend. what do i say. this sounds fake. this sounds like something i read somewhere. is this even real advice. they’re probably regretting telling me this. why am i like this.
attention doesn’t make me confident. it makes me nervous. i start squirming under it. i don’t know how to hold it properly. and then when the attention goes away, the withdrawal hits. things start feeling bleak. you start overthinking. you start getting angry and sad and restless all at once. and that’s when you realise something uncomfortable, that you didn’t really like the person as much as you thought you did. you just liked the attention. you liked how being noticed made you feel.
i would write about how to cope with this, but i can’t. i’m still dealing with it myself. so yeah. attention is a drug. and i think most of us are addicted to it in some way. and i’m still trying to figure out what to do about that.
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had coffee, had to sing (terrible hu ji and self-aware bhi hu ji but i love to sing okay and i love this channel okay? now what to do, madarchod)
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let's put a stop to this randi-rona now. pathetic behavior and tbh i did not expect this from myself.
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