Because I have seen some people and all I thought to myself is that I really don't want to be like them or end up like them and also seen situations where I don't want to be in and can't really imagine myself in that situation.

People say they're not good at saying no!
But I'm.
But the problem is after I say no, I get an instant guilt that you can't do a small thing and some wierd thoughts get in my brain and then I do the same thing for which I said no a moment ago.

I fear god a lot and also believes in karma. The whole concept of karma is two way. But I solely focus upon one that is if I do bad, it will surely come back to me. I'm more concerned about myself. I don't think about other people karma if they do bad to me.

Somehow me believing in karma has to do something with my guilt after saying no!

Girls are not that appreciated doing all the household work because now the society sees this as a very common thing which comes naturally if you're a girl. So for getting the appreciation you're looking for you have to go all out of your way. You regularly cleaning the house, making tea, serving food and taking care of them is not enough. These are fundamental things. Everyone does!
But if done by the opposite gender that's a great deal.
If you have done something being a boy that's a great deal because the society wasn't expecting from you in the first place.
Nevertheless I appreciate my baba, papa, and chota bhai for never making me feel that way!
But who's going to tell the society that's it's normal to study if you have only 2 days for your exam.
If your chota bhai and baba is helping you out there's nothing wrong.
It's not the mistake of the society also. She may be finding this concept foreign as she grew up in the same home and this wasn't the atmosphere before. But with time people change themselves for thier loved ones.
They go all out of the way to support their daughters so that they can do thier best in the field where people expect the least from them and get appreciation there because that's a great deal for them as it is done by a woman!

My brother often says that I make him laugh
Also says that similar lame jokes were cracked in his classroom as well but that doesn't make him laugh.

Win isn't just your alone! It is a collective win of many people.
It comes with many small small efforts taken by many people who supported you, guided you and helped you out.
You can't repay them back.
So always ensure you help others the same way other helped you!

I never thought that it would be that tough to leave your home!
But this is what you wanted right!?
So why are you having this mixed feelings!?
It feels like i can't do that shit all by myself in a different city with a difficult course without my family.
How can I live without my brother!?
Who will help him in his studies!?
How will I manage without them!?
I'm crying inspite of promising myself that I'll be a strong girl!
There are chances that I can get a college in my place but they say life lessons are learned when you get out of your place.
Dear god if I'll get the course of my choice I'll be a bit happy!
But I'm really confused at this point of my life!
I have full faith in you that you'll guide me through it!

There's a guilt in my heart that am I helping my brother enough!
He gets the scolding of my parents that how didi did this did that and I feel bad again.
And now I have to leave in few weeks maybe and I'm feeling helpless.
Maybe he'll manage without me but how will I?

Bencho ye ladkiyan shadi ke baad ghar chor kar kaise chali jaati meri toh college ke liye dusre city janne me rona aa rha

I'm travelling in 3rd AC and it's a two day journey.
Besides me is a man who is a father of one. He literally took the yellow garnier's face wash and went to wash his face and here I'm who didn't even brushed her teeths.
Now I'm literally questioning my life decisions.

I always wanted to be independent and the strongest person I'll ever know.
But what's the point of it if you have no one you can tell.
I mean that's kind of funny but also very serious at the same point. My friend was reading my horoscope and she said I'll be very independent but my love life is fucked up. So what's the point of all that😭

This time in navmi I was in college and after the hawan we were supposed to take aarti. And this time my mother didn't gave me paise from beside for taking aarti. And then I felt that I'm all by myself and this is how growing up looks.

Well it was never about myself or my wins.
It was all about them. My people. My father, mother, brother and my grandparents.
The win was win because they had that smile on thier face and that pride in thier eyes. This is all I want in my life!
And this is the only factor why this loss seems so so deep.
So I unfortunately didn't make it to the merit list of a certain exam.
I'm not able to give them the happiness which my family deserves. I don't want to let them down.
I need to get my shit together and do really good in my graduation.
Will I be able to move on from my dream which is so dear and precious to me!
It's going to be hard, so hard!

Well I'm going for a run today morning only.
I need to vent out my emotions somewhere or other.

So i woke up at 6, went for a run with my friend, played volleyball a bit and then came back.
Did my routine and now I'm studying.
Feels really good tbh.

It kicks even more when you see other people sleeping

Talking to elders helps!
They remind us of our roots and core values which we often forget in the process.

The only way for us to make our parents proud is to study.

We often tend to be a bigger person or a grounded one by not telling people about our achievements. I truly believe to let my actions speak rather than my past achievements about my capabilities. But there is also a concept in the market going on that is to have every unfair advantage that you can possibly get. And life is all about competition and who's going to take that damn opportunity. But I feel it's still about the situation and condition and we have to figure it out by ourselves when to take that unfair advantage and when to prove it by our actions. It should me a mindful decision.

I always thought I have a good girl syndrome and often times I say this a lot as well that I suffer from this very syndrome. But now that I think it's some sort of validation that I am seeking from my parents and my dear ones. But when it comes to their own little benefit I openly tell my opinions and dislikes and don't do that particular thing. And that is for my own mental peace. I think now I am slowly and subtly overcoming this good girl syndrome.