Who do you think is the confessor?

Contd. from the last confession

"I don't know what she is upto,what's in her mind, what does she want to prove ? After almost 4-5 days when I thought that she doesn't want me to connect with me anymore I received a text 'r u there'. These three words literally excites me everytime I receive from her. Not to forget, when they are from a strange girl. So, I just replied by asking about her health. I thought i am the only target of god. But, seeing her condition I feels somewhat relaxed. Champ has been on bed for more than a week thanks to her Cold milk. Now, she is getting better. Getting back to where I was. Everyone wish to have someone in the life with whom he can share deep emotions, grief, sadness and much more. I was trying to find that one in her provided she wanted too. She randomly called in the afternoon unexpectedly 'r u there'. I am in a sort of depression or sad state as I was not able to handle things around me. Neither, I have a job in hand nor enough money. I just spitted out my unconsciousness on chat. What she said made me confused "Give this exam properly and you will have fun throughout the life." I was furiated at this as I wasn't able to focus. Porn, movies and all sort of rubbish things have taken control of my hindbrain which obviously I can't control. But, the way she is helping me for this exam I can't let her down. At Least I have to give a good try. After few days, out chat from fb shifted to Telegram. The worst part of telegram is that you don't receive notifications. She mentioned that she is struck on a single subject and is not able to proceed. I advised her that it may be the the academic things are getting monotonous and she should give herself some time laughing, enjoying with friends or buddies. Anyway, so far I don't fall in either of the categories. Lets see ahead.."

We now have a discussion chat group, I hope you people use it for healthy discussions. Peace!

So, I known this guy for 5–6 years. We went to the same school together but are quite opposite. He is intellectual, intelligent and hard working though average looking while I am lazy and pretty much average in every way. After school we went to different college in different states in India.

I have started to develop feelings for him 2 years back. I don't know one day after having conversation something just clicked. But as bad luck would have it my exams came and I got busy in my studies and we went out of touch.

Few months later we started to chat once again. But lost him for the first time as he was madly in love with someone else. I decided to help him get that girl and keep my self interest aside. I was happy for him even though I had nobody to share my side of the story.

They broke up after a year. Even though I wasn't thrilled that they broke up but I wasn't sad about it either. We started to talk on a regular basis again and my unsaid feelings started to grow day by day. I thought I could keep it under control. But little did I know, I couldn't.

Once we were flirting a little bit and one thing led to another and we ended up having a sex chat. He clearly said that he just want a friends with benefit relationship but i.. I want much more than that.. I also have a very strong feeling he is sleeping with someone else. I have tried indirectly asking him about this but he denied every time.

My likeness for him has grown so much that I have stayed awake thinking about him and going to sleep thinking about him. I even changed my sleep cycle so that it can sync to his and I can talk more to him.

I have told two of my friends about this. I want to tell him but I'm not sure that I should or not. Because we are good friends and I don't want to loose the friend ship at this expense. It's killing me right now. I don't think I can keep it to myself any longer. I'm trying hard to avoid him but only to fail in vain.

New confession is here!!

Who will it be?

Even as a kid, I knew I was different from the rest of the kids my age. Biggest and most noticeable difference were my interests, I found running around giggling to be useless. Other kids didn't like to have me around either and I was okay with it. I didn't need them anyway when I had my interests to occupy me. I never really had much friends growing up. And, I found it tiring to be around other humans so I spent my time around animals, my uncle's pets and even the strays.

My best childhood friendship memories are of a stray dog. I don't really remember much as I was around 5 or 6 at that time but, I still remember him running towards me whenever I called him by his name. And after him I had my uncle's pets to spend my time with.

I tried to make friends before but I always felt like people hung around me only because they wanted to use me and it was often the case than not. Being an outcast from an early age, I didn't have much experience when it came to interacting with others. So, I spent most of my time observing others and how they interact. This helped me to mirror their behaviours. It was an extremely amusing pastime I found myself indulging in and it also helped me interact with others by behaving similar to them.

I made my first real human friends at the age of 17. It was the same with them as others at the beginning. I wasn't much invested into our friendship as I expected it to end soon too.

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Second part contd. from the last confession

At the start, I was wary and didn't really try to get along. They were to stick around only till the end of that academic year, why try? I was almost rude and indifferent towards them. I almost succeeded in them thinking of abandoning me within weeks if us hanging out together.

One day, we found ourselves sitting in an empty classroom and having an heartfelt conversation. And, I had a lot to apologize about. That conversation strengthened our friendship. It also made me want to become a better friend and to put efforts into making our friendship work.

We've had a few bumps along the way, but we've managed to stick together and are still going strong with almost 6 years already behind us. They made me rethink friendship and to take efforts to make a bond last. 

At the end of last year, I got a chance of meeting a bully of mine from high school. He wanted us to reconnect and also to meet his new doggo. He knew I love animals. I didn't want to meet him but, I had promised myself to be a better person. It still took me quite a few months before I gave in to his multiple invites.

We met, he introduced me to his doggo, we played with it, had an easy conversation flowing. It made me want to ask him why he bullied me all those years ago and I did.

He said he thought I was smart and cool, that he could use some help with his studies and would like to be my friend too. He said, I ignored him. I wouldn't spare him a second glance so he resorted to teasing. Just to get a reaction out of me and to notice him and to talk to him as I wouldn't otherwise.

I was shocked to hear that. I always thought he hated me cause elders would always compare us. Next question I asked him was why didn't he tell me he wanted us to be friends. He said I was scary and hard to approach. Said he believed that I would look down on him and humiliate him for even consider trying to be my friend. He said he didn't believe that I would find him worthy enough.

This shook me to my core. Made me wonder if I had really been that kind of a stuck up asshole. I always thought people didn't like me because they considered me to be weird and wanted to avoid me. I still couldn't believe what he said. I didn't want to believe it.


Next, I got a chance to speak with a childhood friend. Not really a friend but I don't know how to better describe that person. She told me I was scary to approach. Almost the same as what he said.

One person can be wrong. But, I had two people telling me the same exact thing. Now that I look back, it probably was all my fault. I never tried to be friends with anyone cause I assumed they hated me. And it was the same for others as well I guess. They probably thought I didn't consider them worthy enough of my time.

I do know I intimidate people now. But, knowing I was the same since childhood scares even me. Life could have been so different for me If only I'd have tried.

It was the first day of a new academic year. We were waiting for our lecture to start when she walked in. She was new. Awkward, uncomfortable, shy and quietly waiting alone at the back of the class. I had planned to spend that year alone but, seeing her reminded me of my old self who would have been the same if I hadn't decided to change. I approached her and started a conversation. It was kinda awkward but I decided to stick around her and she had no other option than me anyway as no one interested in having a new member in their already formed groups. She told me that she had to drop out of college because of health issues and hadn't fully recovered yet but was able to return after a year break. She certainly was weak and needed help from time to time and I helped her any way I could.

One day she asked me to become her best friend. I didn't want to hurt her so I agreed with a condition to not expect much from me as I wasn't even interested in being friends with the rest of the class. I started to care too much about her, took me a while to realize what I was heading towards. I realized I was bisexual and I was very much interested in exploring our relationship further with her. She was straight though. I kept my feelings to myself.

By then I had started visiting her at her home. That's where I met her cousin. He and I hit it off great. And our tiny group expanded to three of us. This is where the actual problem starts.

Apparently she and him were very close and I and him being buddies didn't sit well with her. Only topic him and I ever discussed was her but to her, it seemed like I was trying to steal her brother away from her. I can't really fault her for obsessing over him. She had a hard time opening up to others so she held tightly onto those she had in her life. She had started to distance herself from me and I hated it. I couldn't make out what went wrong. Whenever I tried speaking with her about it, she would just brush it off.

He to noticed these changes in her. We both were worried about her. She would start fights over the smallest of things and we both started to get wary of her. We figured it may be cuz of our friendship so we both minimised our conversations while she was around. He too had become a good friend of mine, I couldn't just stop all conversation with him.

There were times when I was so frustrated that I wanted to let go of all of it and move on from her. I even tried to break my friendship with him just cuz I didn't want to loose her. This caused him to fight with me.

I stayed for three years, in hopes that her tantrums might die down once she realises that I only wanted her friendship. Silently suffered through them all because I loved her and wanted her to at least be good to me, same as before.

I too was an idiot to not notice the same as her. I believed her behaviour was irrational and childish cuz I had no other explanation to it cuz he too thought the same. I was in love and the only person I could see was her. But she saw her brother's attraction towards me which I completely failed to notice. It took me three years to notice he wanted more than friendship from me. It took me three years to reach my breaking point.

I walked away from both of them. And she still believes it was her brother, I was after.

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