Indian confessions
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I tried to sneak into her life like any other two friends do who are curious to know about each other. But, it seems she is a kind of reserved person who limits herself for the purpose we became friends. Few days back she took cold milk and she is suffering now. She is even not able to speak properly. She mentioned that she had a bad running nose issue. May be she has still not recovered from Bronchitis issue in last 3 years. Initially I used to begin with conversation like asking about her well being or early morning-late night wishes. But, she always had a sort of cold response. As per till day chats, I can make out that she is a kind of self centered person when it comes to discuss or reveal any personal issues. I mean she will say her issues but merely listen to others most of the times. And so I decided to respond appropriately. I wanted to have a girl as a close friend but not a half hearted one which she seems to be. Now, I resort myself from sending any messages unless of utmost importance. Its like if she doesn't want to talk, I shouldn't bother her and why should I be. After all, both the wheel in a bike have important role.

To be contd.
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Contd. from the last confession

"I don't know what she is upto,what's in her mind, what does she want to prove ? After almost 4-5 days when I thought that she doesn't want me to connect with me anymore I received a text 'r u there'. These three words literally excites me everytime I receive from her. Not to forget, when they are from a strange girl. So, I just replied by asking about her health. I thought i am the only target of god. But, seeing her condition I feels somewhat relaxed. Champ has been on bed for more than a week thanks to her Cold milk. Now, she is getting better. Getting back to where I was. Everyone wish to have someone in the life with whom he can share deep emotions, grief, sadness and much more. I was trying to find that one in her provided she wanted too. She randomly called in the afternoon unexpectedly 'r u there'. I am in a sort of depression or sad state as I was not able to handle things around me. Neither, I have a job in hand nor enough money. I just spitted out my unconsciousness on chat. What she said made me confused "Give this exam properly and you will have fun throughout the life." I was furiated at this as I wasn't able to focus. Porn, movies and all sort of rubbish things have taken control of my hindbrain which obviously I can't control. But, the way she is helping me for this exam I can't let her down. At Least I have to give a good try. After few days, out chat from fb shifted to Telegram. The worst part of telegram is that you don't receive notifications. She mentioned that she is struck on a single subject and is not able to proceed. I advised her that it may be the the academic things are getting monotonous and she should give herself some time laughing, enjoying with friends or buddies. Anyway, so far I don't fall in either of the categories. Lets see ahead.."
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So, I known this guy for 5–6 years. We went to the same school together but are quite opposite. He is intellectual, intelligent and hard working though average looking while I am lazy and pretty much average in every way. After school we went to different college in different states in India.

I have started to develop feelings for him 2 years back. I don't know one day after having conversation something just clicked. But as bad luck would have it my exams came and I got busy in my studies and we went out of touch.

Few months later we started to chat once again. But lost him for the first time as he was madly in love with someone else. I decided to help him get that girl and keep my self interest aside. I was happy for him even though I had nobody to share my side of the story.

They broke up after a year. Even though I wasn't thrilled that they broke up but I wasn't sad about it either. We started to talk on a regular basis again and my unsaid feelings started to grow day by day. I thought I could keep it under control. But little did I know, I couldn't.

Once we were flirting a little bit and one thing led to another and we ended up having a sex chat. He clearly said that he just want a friends with benefit relationship but i.. I want much more than that.. I also have a very strong feeling he is sleeping with someone else. I have tried indirectly asking him about this but he denied every time.

My likeness for him has grown so much that I have stayed awake thinking about him and going to sleep thinking about him. I even changed my sleep cycle so that it can sync to his and I can talk more to him.

I have told two of my friends about this. I want to tell him but I'm not sure that I should or not. Because we are good friends and I don't want to loose the friend ship at this expense. It's killing me right now. I don't think I can keep it to myself any longer. I'm trying hard to avoid him but only to fail in vain.
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Even as a kid, I knew I was different from the rest of the kids my age. Biggest and most noticeable difference were my interests, I found running around giggling to be useless. Other kids didn't like to have me around either and I was okay with it. I didn't need them anyway when I had my interests to occupy me. I never really had much friends growing up. And, I found it tiring to be around other humans so I spent my time around animals, my uncle's pets and even the strays.

My best childhood friendship memories are of a stray dog. I don't really remember much as I was around 5 or 6 at that time but, I still remember him running towards me whenever I called him by his name. And after him I had my uncle's pets to spend my time with.

I tried to make friends before but I always felt like people hung around me only because they wanted to use me and it was often the case than not. Being an outcast from an early age, I didn't have much experience when it came to interacting with others. So, I spent most of my time observing others and how they interact. This helped me to mirror their behaviours. It was an extremely amusing pastime I found myself indulging in and it also helped me interact with others by behaving similar to them.

I made my first real human friends at the age of 17. It was the same with them as others at the beginning. I wasn't much invested into our friendship as I expected it to end soon too.
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Second part contd. from the last confession

At the start, I was wary and didn't really try to get along. They were to stick around only till the end of that academic year, why try? I was almost rude and indifferent towards them. I almost succeeded in them thinking of abandoning me within weeks if us hanging out together.

One day, we found ourselves sitting in an empty classroom and having an heartfelt conversation. And, I had a lot to apologize about. That conversation strengthened our friendship. It also made me want to become a better friend and to put efforts into making our friendship work.

We've had a few bumps along the way, but we've managed to stick together and are still going strong with almost 6 years already behind us. They made me rethink friendship and to take efforts to make a bond last. 

At the end of last year, I got a chance of meeting a bully of mine from high school. He wanted us to reconnect and also to meet his new doggo. He knew I love animals. I didn't want to meet him but, I had promised myself to be a better person. It still took me quite a few months before I gave in to his multiple invites.

We met, he introduced me to his doggo, we played with it, had an easy conversation flowing. It made me want to ask him why he bullied me all those years ago and I did.

He said he thought I was smart and cool, that he could use some help with his studies and would like to be my friend too. He said, I ignored him. I wouldn't spare him a second glance so he resorted to teasing. Just to get a reaction out of me and to notice him and to talk to him as I wouldn't otherwise.

I was shocked to hear that. I always thought he hated me cause elders would always compare us. Next question I asked him was why didn't he tell me he wanted us to be friends. He said I was scary and hard to approach. Said he believed that I would look down on him and humiliate him for even consider trying to be my friend. He said he didn't believe that I would find him worthy enough.

This shook me to my core. Made me wonder if I had really been that kind of a stuck up asshole. I always thought people didn't like me because they considered me to be weird and wanted to avoid me. I still couldn't believe what he said. I didn't want to believe it.


Next, I got a chance to speak with a childhood friend. Not really a friend but I don't know how to better describe that person. She told me I was scary to approach. Almost the same as what he said.

One person can be wrong. But, I had two people telling me the same exact thing. Now that I look back, it probably was all my fault. I never tried to be friends with anyone cause I assumed they hated me. And it was the same for others as well I guess. They probably thought I didn't consider them worthy enough of my time.

I do know I intimidate people now. But, knowing I was the same since childhood scares even me. Life could have been so different for me If only I'd have tried.
Forwarded from Indian confessions Chat
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