Lesson 5 - Those who have lost a child will be tempted to become more and more self-focused. This often manifests itself in the form of either narcissistic vomiting or narcissistic isolating.
What do I mean by narcissistic vomiting and isolating? Let me explain.
First, narcissistic vomiting is when you are driven to constantly talk about yourself or pain in an effort to fish for pity and/or reaffirm your victim status. People manifesting this form of self-focus turn every conversation back to their pain. They constantly post pictures and statuses on social media about their pain. I did this to some degree. It is the reason I pulled a series of popular blog post I wrote.
If this is you, take a break from social media for a set period of time. Remove the apps from your phone. Sign off your home computer. Commit yourself to doing menial tasks for others. Work hard to use your pain to minister to other people by listening, especially your spouse.
Second, narcissistic isolating is when you are driven to separate yourself from others so you can stew in your misery, nurse your bitterness, and avoid rebuke. People manifesting this form of self-focus isolate themselves from other people by becoming consumed in solitary projects and removing themselves from any form of gathering.
My wife did this to some degree.
If this is you, take a break from your projects. Your spouse needs you to be there. Commit yourself to not missing church, small group, or other gatherings that had previously been central to your life. Call a friend and tell them how you feel (or how you don’t feel anything). Ask close friends to force you to get out.
These negative manifestations of grief are an exaggeration of normally good things. Talking about your pain is good (especially when you are talking to God). Getting alone to sort out your thoughts is good (especially when you do it while communing with God). There is no way that you won't dip into one of these negative forms grieving.
Just repent when you see it.
Here are a few random points...
We did not regret forgoing autopsy but we may have rushed the funeral as a way to get through the pain.
Funerals and burial plots are heavily discounted for children.
We regretted not allowing Nicaea’s siblings see her.
We regretted not having an open casket viewing.
The graveside service was incredibly helpful.
Em was numb. I was not but repressed it out of duty for my family. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. It came in time and was very unpredictable.
We were helped by partially and temporary pulling out of commitments.
We were helped by doing “fun” things. They allowed us to process what happened to us.
We were most helped by people who let us open up and listened when we did so.
We were helped by gentle reminders of basic truths (God is in control, heaven, etc).
This was also helpful (particularly the first chapter): http://www.gracegems.org/29/Cuyler_Gods_light.htm
What do I mean by narcissistic vomiting and isolating? Let me explain.
First, narcissistic vomiting is when you are driven to constantly talk about yourself or pain in an effort to fish for pity and/or reaffirm your victim status. People manifesting this form of self-focus turn every conversation back to their pain. They constantly post pictures and statuses on social media about their pain. I did this to some degree. It is the reason I pulled a series of popular blog post I wrote.
If this is you, take a break from social media for a set period of time. Remove the apps from your phone. Sign off your home computer. Commit yourself to doing menial tasks for others. Work hard to use your pain to minister to other people by listening, especially your spouse.
Second, narcissistic isolating is when you are driven to separate yourself from others so you can stew in your misery, nurse your bitterness, and avoid rebuke. People manifesting this form of self-focus isolate themselves from other people by becoming consumed in solitary projects and removing themselves from any form of gathering.
My wife did this to some degree.
If this is you, take a break from your projects. Your spouse needs you to be there. Commit yourself to not missing church, small group, or other gatherings that had previously been central to your life. Call a friend and tell them how you feel (or how you don’t feel anything). Ask close friends to force you to get out.
These negative manifestations of grief are an exaggeration of normally good things. Talking about your pain is good (especially when you are talking to God). Getting alone to sort out your thoughts is good (especially when you do it while communing with God). There is no way that you won't dip into one of these negative forms grieving.
Just repent when you see it.
Here are a few random points...
We did not regret forgoing autopsy but we may have rushed the funeral as a way to get through the pain.
Funerals and burial plots are heavily discounted for children.
We regretted not allowing Nicaea’s siblings see her.
We regretted not having an open casket viewing.
The graveside service was incredibly helpful.
Em was numb. I was not but repressed it out of duty for my family. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. It came in time and was very unpredictable.
We were helped by partially and temporary pulling out of commitments.
We were helped by doing “fun” things. They allowed us to process what happened to us.
We were most helped by people who let us open up and listened when we did so.
We were helped by gentle reminders of basic truths (God is in control, heaven, etc).
This was also helpful (particularly the first chapter): http://www.gracegems.org/29/Cuyler_Gods_light.htm
Now... things aren't all rosy with marriage... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ2gkCVwQRc
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