Someone emailed me asking for counsel on dealing with the impending death of their infant daughter.
Here are five lessons from our experience...
Lesson 1 - The death of the child presents you with an opportunity to decide if you are really a Christian or not. In a sense, this type of situation reveals who you really are inside.
Do you cling to God like a child clings to his mother when he is hurt or scared? Or... Do you embrace unbelief and run from God to idols that make promises they can't keep?
We decided that we were Christians and that we would process the death of our daughter through God's infallible Word. It was a hard decision to make. Harder than we would like to admit. You too will have to struggle to decide where you faith lies when it is painfully challenged. None escape the death of a loved one.
Lesson 2 - There are people that will be drawn to you because your child died. Some of them are simply people gifted with compassion. But there is another type you'll need to be careful to sidestep. Emily and I came to call them "drama vampires."
Drama vampires feast on misery because it allows them to wallow in pain from their own past. They are people seeking to reaffirm their victim-status under the pretense of being there for you. These people will often sound and act just like normal folks trying to care for you. But... in time it becomes clear that whatever it is in their past (molestation, death of a loved one, rape, etc) that they use as a reference point when talking to you hasn't been properly dealt with and they are merely looking for a partner to stew in self-focused misery.
Lesson 3 - You will be tempted to fantasize about all the things you child could've done if they hadn't died. And you must not.
It is better to dwell on where you child is at this present moment. They aren't in the ground. That's just their body and even that won't stay there for long. Mankind is a body-spirit composite. Your child is before God. They still exist.
They are happy. They laugh. They are safe from sin.
And you can look forward to seeing them smile. Hearing their voice. Taking them for a walk. This world will be restored. All saints will be together in the new creation.
When you think this way, you anchor your hope in eternal things and not in imaginary things tied to this passing world. You must have a heavenly mindset.
Your goal must be to move through the grieving process. Not get stuck on a step. People count on you. Your spouse. Your kids. Your church. Yes, something bad has happen. It won't be the last. We can't allow trauma to keep us from being faithful elsewhere. Drama-vampires keep you permanently sidelined. Avoid them or rebuke them (I did on a few occasions).
Lesson 4 - You will try to escape the pain that comes from losing a child. Don't. Pain is healthy. Lean into it, not away from it.
Feeling pain is part of God's wise design. Attempting to numb it through alcohol, drugs, porn, entertainment, denial, fantasies, getting pregnant again, being a workaholic, and other typical false-solutions will only set you back in the healing process. Pain is a natural reaction to death. It hurts to lose someone.
You need to cry. To scream. You need others to cry with you. You need to be held. You need to pour your heart out to the Father just like our brother David did in the Psalms. This is a tragedy.
Mourn.
Lesson 4.5 - Mourning hits people at different times in different ways. Men often have a delayed reaction. I kept a stiff upper lip for the sake of my family for several weeks. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. Someone had to be strong. But two months after the death of Nicaea I was wreck. I constantly cried. It was terrible but necessary.
Lesson 4.75 - Mourning gets better over time. But the pain never fully fades. I’ve wept for my daughter just last month.
Frodo wasn't wrong. Some wounds never fully heal
Here are five lessons from our experience...
Lesson 1 - The death of the child presents you with an opportunity to decide if you are really a Christian or not. In a sense, this type of situation reveals who you really are inside.
Do you cling to God like a child clings to his mother when he is hurt or scared? Or... Do you embrace unbelief and run from God to idols that make promises they can't keep?
We decided that we were Christians and that we would process the death of our daughter through God's infallible Word. It was a hard decision to make. Harder than we would like to admit. You too will have to struggle to decide where you faith lies when it is painfully challenged. None escape the death of a loved one.
Lesson 2 - There are people that will be drawn to you because your child died. Some of them are simply people gifted with compassion. But there is another type you'll need to be careful to sidestep. Emily and I came to call them "drama vampires."
Drama vampires feast on misery because it allows them to wallow in pain from their own past. They are people seeking to reaffirm their victim-status under the pretense of being there for you. These people will often sound and act just like normal folks trying to care for you. But... in time it becomes clear that whatever it is in their past (molestation, death of a loved one, rape, etc) that they use as a reference point when talking to you hasn't been properly dealt with and they are merely looking for a partner to stew in self-focused misery.
Lesson 3 - You will be tempted to fantasize about all the things you child could've done if they hadn't died. And you must not.
It is better to dwell on where you child is at this present moment. They aren't in the ground. That's just their body and even that won't stay there for long. Mankind is a body-spirit composite. Your child is before God. They still exist.
They are happy. They laugh. They are safe from sin.
And you can look forward to seeing them smile. Hearing their voice. Taking them for a walk. This world will be restored. All saints will be together in the new creation.
When you think this way, you anchor your hope in eternal things and not in imaginary things tied to this passing world. You must have a heavenly mindset.
Your goal must be to move through the grieving process. Not get stuck on a step. People count on you. Your spouse. Your kids. Your church. Yes, something bad has happen. It won't be the last. We can't allow trauma to keep us from being faithful elsewhere. Drama-vampires keep you permanently sidelined. Avoid them or rebuke them (I did on a few occasions).
Lesson 4 - You will try to escape the pain that comes from losing a child. Don't. Pain is healthy. Lean into it, not away from it.
Feeling pain is part of God's wise design. Attempting to numb it through alcohol, drugs, porn, entertainment, denial, fantasies, getting pregnant again, being a workaholic, and other typical false-solutions will only set you back in the healing process. Pain is a natural reaction to death. It hurts to lose someone.
You need to cry. To scream. You need others to cry with you. You need to be held. You need to pour your heart out to the Father just like our brother David did in the Psalms. This is a tragedy.
Mourn.
Lesson 4.5 - Mourning hits people at different times in different ways. Men often have a delayed reaction. I kept a stiff upper lip for the sake of my family for several weeks. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. Someone had to be strong. But two months after the death of Nicaea I was wreck. I constantly cried. It was terrible but necessary.
Lesson 4.75 - Mourning gets better over time. But the pain never fully fades. I’ve wept for my daughter just last month.
Frodo wasn't wrong. Some wounds never fully heal
Lesson 5 - Those who have lost a child will be tempted to become more and more self-focused. This often manifests itself in the form of either narcissistic vomiting or narcissistic isolating.
What do I mean by narcissistic vomiting and isolating? Let me explain.
First, narcissistic vomiting is when you are driven to constantly talk about yourself or pain in an effort to fish for pity and/or reaffirm your victim status. People manifesting this form of self-focus turn every conversation back to their pain. They constantly post pictures and statuses on social media about their pain. I did this to some degree. It is the reason I pulled a series of popular blog post I wrote.
If this is you, take a break from social media for a set period of time. Remove the apps from your phone. Sign off your home computer. Commit yourself to doing menial tasks for others. Work hard to use your pain to minister to other people by listening, especially your spouse.
Second, narcissistic isolating is when you are driven to separate yourself from others so you can stew in your misery, nurse your bitterness, and avoid rebuke. People manifesting this form of self-focus isolate themselves from other people by becoming consumed in solitary projects and removing themselves from any form of gathering.
My wife did this to some degree.
If this is you, take a break from your projects. Your spouse needs you to be there. Commit yourself to not missing church, small group, or other gatherings that had previously been central to your life. Call a friend and tell them how you feel (or how you don’t feel anything). Ask close friends to force you to get out.
These negative manifestations of grief are an exaggeration of normally good things. Talking about your pain is good (especially when you are talking to God). Getting alone to sort out your thoughts is good (especially when you do it while communing with God). There is no way that you won't dip into one of these negative forms grieving.
Just repent when you see it.
Here are a few random points...
We did not regret forgoing autopsy but we may have rushed the funeral as a way to get through the pain.
Funerals and burial plots are heavily discounted for children.
We regretted not allowing Nicaea’s siblings see her.
We regretted not having an open casket viewing.
The graveside service was incredibly helpful.
Em was numb. I was not but repressed it out of duty for my family. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. It came in time and was very unpredictable.
We were helped by partially and temporary pulling out of commitments.
We were helped by doing “fun” things. They allowed us to process what happened to us.
We were most helped by people who let us open up and listened when we did so.
We were helped by gentle reminders of basic truths (God is in control, heaven, etc).
This was also helpful (particularly the first chapter): http://www.gracegems.org/29/Cuyler_Gods_light.htm
What do I mean by narcissistic vomiting and isolating? Let me explain.
First, narcissistic vomiting is when you are driven to constantly talk about yourself or pain in an effort to fish for pity and/or reaffirm your victim status. People manifesting this form of self-focus turn every conversation back to their pain. They constantly post pictures and statuses on social media about their pain. I did this to some degree. It is the reason I pulled a series of popular blog post I wrote.
If this is you, take a break from social media for a set period of time. Remove the apps from your phone. Sign off your home computer. Commit yourself to doing menial tasks for others. Work hard to use your pain to minister to other people by listening, especially your spouse.
Second, narcissistic isolating is when you are driven to separate yourself from others so you can stew in your misery, nurse your bitterness, and avoid rebuke. People manifesting this form of self-focus isolate themselves from other people by becoming consumed in solitary projects and removing themselves from any form of gathering.
My wife did this to some degree.
If this is you, take a break from your projects. Your spouse needs you to be there. Commit yourself to not missing church, small group, or other gatherings that had previously been central to your life. Call a friend and tell them how you feel (or how you don’t feel anything). Ask close friends to force you to get out.
These negative manifestations of grief are an exaggeration of normally good things. Talking about your pain is good (especially when you are talking to God). Getting alone to sort out your thoughts is good (especially when you do it while communing with God). There is no way that you won't dip into one of these negative forms grieving.
Just repent when you see it.
Here are a few random points...
We did not regret forgoing autopsy but we may have rushed the funeral as a way to get through the pain.
Funerals and burial plots are heavily discounted for children.
We regretted not allowing Nicaea’s siblings see her.
We regretted not having an open casket viewing.
The graveside service was incredibly helpful.
Em was numb. I was not but repressed it out of duty for my family. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. It came in time and was very unpredictable.
We were helped by partially and temporary pulling out of commitments.
We were helped by doing “fun” things. They allowed us to process what happened to us.
We were most helped by people who let us open up and listened when we did so.
We were helped by gentle reminders of basic truths (God is in control, heaven, etc).
This was also helpful (particularly the first chapter): http://www.gracegems.org/29/Cuyler_Gods_light.htm
Now... things aren't all rosy with marriage... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ2gkCVwQRc
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