Why you should leave your church rapidly if you’re gonna leave it at all...
Let me tell you about one of the most evil conspiracies of the day...
Why now kind of reminds me of the emergent church of the ‘00s...
Someone emailed me asking for counsel on dealing with the impending death of their infant daughter.
Here are five lessons from our experience...
Lesson 1 - The death of the child presents you with an opportunity to decide if you are really a Christian or not. In a sense, this type of situation reveals who you really are inside.
Do you cling to God like a child clings to his mother when he is hurt or scared? Or... Do you embrace unbelief and run from God to idols that make promises they can't keep?
We decided that we were Christians and that we would process the death of our daughter through God's infallible Word. It was a hard decision to make. Harder than we would like to admit. You too will have to struggle to decide where you faith lies when it is painfully challenged. None escape the death of a loved one.
Lesson 2 - There are people that will be drawn to you because your child died. Some of them are simply people gifted with compassion. But there is another type you'll need to be careful to sidestep. Emily and I came to call them "drama vampires."
Drama vampires feast on misery because it allows them to wallow in pain from their own past. They are people seeking to reaffirm their victim-status under the pretense of being there for you. These people will often sound and act just like normal folks trying to care for you. But... in time it becomes clear that whatever it is in their past (molestation, death of a loved one, rape, etc) that they use as a reference point when talking to you hasn't been properly dealt with and they are merely looking for a partner to stew in self-focused misery.
Lesson 3 - You will be tempted to fantasize about all the things you child could've done if they hadn't died. And you must not.
It is better to dwell on where you child is at this present moment. They aren't in the ground. That's just their body and even that won't stay there for long. Mankind is a body-spirit composite. Your child is before God. They still exist.
They are happy. They laugh. They are safe from sin.
And you can look forward to seeing them smile. Hearing their voice. Taking them for a walk. This world will be restored. All saints will be together in the new creation.
When you think this way, you anchor your hope in eternal things and not in imaginary things tied to this passing world. You must have a heavenly mindset.
Your goal must be to move through the grieving process. Not get stuck on a step. People count on you. Your spouse. Your kids. Your church. Yes, something bad has happen. It won't be the last. We can't allow trauma to keep us from being faithful elsewhere. Drama-vampires keep you permanently sidelined. Avoid them or rebuke them (I did on a few occasions).
Lesson 4 - You will try to escape the pain that comes from losing a child. Don't. Pain is healthy. Lean into it, not away from it.
Feeling pain is part of God's wise design. Attempting to numb it through alcohol, drugs, porn, entertainment, denial, fantasies, getting pregnant again, being a workaholic, and other typical false-solutions will only set you back in the healing process. Pain is a natural reaction to death. It hurts to lose someone.
You need to cry. To scream. You need others to cry with you. You need to be held. You need to pour your heart out to the Father just like our brother David did in the Psalms. This is a tragedy.
Mourn.
Lesson 4.5 - Mourning hits people at different times in different ways. Men often have a delayed reaction. I kept a stiff upper lip for the sake of my family for several weeks. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. Someone had to be strong. But two months after the death of Nicaea I was wreck. I constantly cried. It was terrible but necessary.
Lesson 4.75 - Mourning gets better over time. But the pain never fully fades. I’ve wept for my daughter just last month.
Frodo wasn't wrong. Some wounds never fully heal
Here are five lessons from our experience...
Lesson 1 - The death of the child presents you with an opportunity to decide if you are really a Christian or not. In a sense, this type of situation reveals who you really are inside.
Do you cling to God like a child clings to his mother when he is hurt or scared? Or... Do you embrace unbelief and run from God to idols that make promises they can't keep?
We decided that we were Christians and that we would process the death of our daughter through God's infallible Word. It was a hard decision to make. Harder than we would like to admit. You too will have to struggle to decide where you faith lies when it is painfully challenged. None escape the death of a loved one.
Lesson 2 - There are people that will be drawn to you because your child died. Some of them are simply people gifted with compassion. But there is another type you'll need to be careful to sidestep. Emily and I came to call them "drama vampires."
Drama vampires feast on misery because it allows them to wallow in pain from their own past. They are people seeking to reaffirm their victim-status under the pretense of being there for you. These people will often sound and act just like normal folks trying to care for you. But... in time it becomes clear that whatever it is in their past (molestation, death of a loved one, rape, etc) that they use as a reference point when talking to you hasn't been properly dealt with and they are merely looking for a partner to stew in self-focused misery.
Lesson 3 - You will be tempted to fantasize about all the things you child could've done if they hadn't died. And you must not.
It is better to dwell on where you child is at this present moment. They aren't in the ground. That's just their body and even that won't stay there for long. Mankind is a body-spirit composite. Your child is before God. They still exist.
They are happy. They laugh. They are safe from sin.
And you can look forward to seeing them smile. Hearing their voice. Taking them for a walk. This world will be restored. All saints will be together in the new creation.
When you think this way, you anchor your hope in eternal things and not in imaginary things tied to this passing world. You must have a heavenly mindset.
Your goal must be to move through the grieving process. Not get stuck on a step. People count on you. Your spouse. Your kids. Your church. Yes, something bad has happen. It won't be the last. We can't allow trauma to keep us from being faithful elsewhere. Drama-vampires keep you permanently sidelined. Avoid them or rebuke them (I did on a few occasions).
Lesson 4 - You will try to escape the pain that comes from losing a child. Don't. Pain is healthy. Lean into it, not away from it.
Feeling pain is part of God's wise design. Attempting to numb it through alcohol, drugs, porn, entertainment, denial, fantasies, getting pregnant again, being a workaholic, and other typical false-solutions will only set you back in the healing process. Pain is a natural reaction to death. It hurts to lose someone.
You need to cry. To scream. You need others to cry with you. You need to be held. You need to pour your heart out to the Father just like our brother David did in the Psalms. This is a tragedy.
Mourn.
Lesson 4.5 - Mourning hits people at different times in different ways. Men often have a delayed reaction. I kept a stiff upper lip for the sake of my family for several weeks. People pushing me to be emotional was not helpful. Someone had to be strong. But two months after the death of Nicaea I was wreck. I constantly cried. It was terrible but necessary.
Lesson 4.75 - Mourning gets better over time. But the pain never fully fades. I’ve wept for my daughter just last month.
Frodo wasn't wrong. Some wounds never fully heal