why am i hearing seagull's screaming voice

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this anxiety is so fucking mind-boggling, aaaaaaaaah i wish i could just cut and clean my brain up and put it back again.
I just wanna sit at a place for more than 30minutes, i feel like my brain's just designed to run around, no matter how many, how many times I try to bring that towards equilibrium it just bounces back.
I got it krishna once said,

"Mind is the widest and fastest part of your body, it's its job to wonder around finding answers of things which it creates inside it, but that doesn't mean a person can't achieve the singularity of his mind. he just got to train his mind again and again, like a butcher shapens his sword everyday."

but how long do i need to keep this process going? is it neverending or there's a point where it learns the discipline.

god i hate being the responsible child

"अगर आंसू निशान छोड़ते चहरे पे कोई किसी को सलाह ना दे रहा होता सब सबको लगाते गले और आगे बड़ जाते
ना कोई तस्वीरें खिंचवाता ना कोई तस्वीरें खींच रहा होता।"
- जतिन एंड विंग्स

killer who don't have the courage to carry the blade but love to kill

i hate how i treated her at that moment, as now i finally have TPP, but is it okay for people to cling onto people who don't even acknowledge their love?

i get the "if you love somebody you adore them though they don't reciprocate" , but should the victim sell their self respect just to feel acknowledged by that individual.
i don't think I'm that good looking or I've such a good personality to ever receive that, but it still happens.

So what's the thing I'm lacking? what's something i still don't know about? Why do people do this, am i missing a bigger picture?

they said, find a fish that's bigger than her. well, I'm in the ocean now.

her gaze conspired with my heart

In an ocean of pretence, 5 feet or 15 feet under, you'd still cease to breathe if you cannot swim.
                                    -Medusa

Good night 🌙

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they're worried about me

"All this spinning around chasing perfection
... you can't go on like this forever"

are they jealous or really considerate towards me? is striving for perfection in everything really a bad thing? ik I can't be "perfect" somewhere but i at least want to fight with perfection.