i think I'll need to re-think about ny purpose of life and start everything all over. not necessarily from scratch, but in a more plated established manner

you know kids when they turn adult, are told to go out in world and learn the atrocities of it and when they feel tired, they come back home.

it's a bit opposite in my case. i hug the world when I'm tired and coming back to home requires a lot of effort and mental energy.

how do you heal trauma, more precisely how do you take out your trauma out on the surface? is there some process to cleanse out all these parts from my personality? idolizing wrong aspects till it turned disaster and now I'm stuck wondering if there's any worth in me at all because of how foul and fast those things propagates and weeds out in me.

the kind of self awareness i possess it regulates my actions, counter actions, reactions, response, thought process and all these before i even take any step.
do you think without any professional help i can manage it out?
but what even is a professional gonna do in this case, when even my own coping mechanism forgets everything to keep me functionable and alive.

it's like you got yourself a cup of coffee in your hands and now you're left wondering about how did this coffee even came to existence? when did you even made it? did you even leave your spot? so, how? how did I got a coffee in my hand.

im not saying this happens to me, I'm saying this is how trauma response works with me, i recieve the impact, the result and my very sane brain deletes everything about how that impact even took place. and now I'm stuck there pondering over what and why is there an impact, when nothing even happened?

rene descartes once said, "i think therefor, i am". he proved his existence by declaring his existence itself. though if we zoom out from individual lenses, i exist, you exist, this exists, but do all of this exists? aren't everything around us is just a perception of our brain, i don't know what you truly are, you cannot fathom what i truly am, none of us knows anything about each others apart from their own perception and experiences and similarly, we don't even know our world truly, because we 'experience' it, we don't 'know' it truly. there's a very difficult to see but clear line between knowing things and experiencing them, and amazingly knowing it matters more than experiencing. Do we all even exists apart from our own individual self experiencing this world? every individual have different perspective of life and everybody experiences things differently, we don't experience apples differently, apple is red to everybody. a conceptual body is always bound to be questioned? how come the very basic things such as our existence be contextual?

a narcissist first line of defense is telling people he is self conscious

ive been retardmaxing lately

fav video on internet rn

oh i love the feeling when i find literal gems while exploring music 😭

happy lohri

fuck it whatever i say, some German guy have said it already some 200 years ago