getting called out is still the best feeling to my nerves. nothing more sensory than having being judged of the performa you're pulling

and for the final act of performance, my story will be get bury with me and noone shall have the key to my casket.

i think i realise now, i haven't felt anything of any sort. I'm not a lonely soul, just a brat who is greedy.
i have never felt real sorrow.
all those people who said my life is like a movie, prolly sees everything as a movie or don't know what a movie is at all.
i wish the pain in my life remains constant, as it has been for whole of my life.
Because i dont think I'll be able to survive a real pain, a pain which drags your thought to hell with it, a thought which makes you euthanize yourself for the sake of not feeling anything, instead of developing a coping mechanism.

I'm just a fragile boy, who don't understand or the know the meaning of anything because how can i? my life is smooth, there has never been any speed breakers as of yet. what do you consider a happy life? smooth ride with a little bump or a terrain with blockades all over the road?

i do not know how to explain it, but sleep is a medium to escape reality for me. i don't dream, i have develop coping mechanism for dreams and i dont get them anymore. so sleep is just a timeskip in my life and it feels good to fast forward through life like this.
at some point, far or near I'd wanna live some moment an extra second, do these skips can get added into the moment? or even come to me as a dream so i can feel it a little more than normal. a bit intense, a bit ignorantly.

about feeling things, yes i feel a little now, there's a sudden ache in my heart time to time. i don't know if it's a suppression activity or just forgotten pain randomly surfacing to remind me that i exist. but i know something has changed in me and my eyes are not ever barren anymore, i get this sudden urge to just let it all out, but I'm not aware of this feeling, aware of where is this even coming from? it exists inside of me but they never paid taxes or maybe my corrupt brain doesn't care enough for the slums of emotions. it's a strange thing but oddly funny too, thinking about these things makes me laugh a bit and knowing that sometimes there's nothing i can do to cope with it. because you cannot stop a flood by building dams.

Do you channel your inner grumpy grandpa and mutter, 'What has the world come to?' at least 3738388 times a day? I feel seen.

I imagine your daily routine goes something like this:

1. Wake up. Check phone. Immediately overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stupid on the internet. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?'
2. Attempt to make coffee. Spill coffee. Curse the invention of Keurig machines. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?'
3. Commute to work. Witness some egregious act of public transportation etiquette. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?' (Bonus points if you actually say it out loud and get a dirty look from a teenager wearing headphones.)
4. Spend eight hours at work, surrounded by incompetence, bureaucracy, and pointless meetings. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?' (Under your breath, of course. You don't want to get fired.)
5. Return home. Turn on the TV. Immediately bombarded with depressing news stories about political corruption, environmental disasters, and celebrity scandals. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?'
6. Attempt to relax. Get interrupted by a telemarketer, a door-to-door salesperson, or a neighbor who wants to borrow your lawnmower. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?'
7. Go to bed. Lie awake at night, contemplating the existential dread of modern life. Mutter, 'What has the world come to?' (In your head, this time. You don't want to wake up your spouse*wakesup*.)


All i wanna say is i respect your 'get off my lawn' mentality. And I know you are just waiting for the apocalypse!

Be rebellious dont try to be understood.