sleepwalking through existence?

i made a mental bet with a person in september 2024 or around that. we just had a little dispute over what i lack which he doesn’t, and the one thing he said was poetry. i was like... yeah? because it's not suited for me. i can never write good poetry; the rhymes don’t occur to me, and the words don’t come to me. the only conjunction and interjection i can do is in math equations.

i knew it was an excuse, so i joined many channels all that i could find related to poetry: "gira's box," "whispered verse," "lilpoetic," "tacit," etc.—many such. i think i tried to copy their methods and originality, but it quite didn’t work out. it was likely i was trying to put chatgpt on a leash and spit out some forced rhymes that didn’t rhyme at all.

anyways, after i suppose 3-4 months, i really found out that this is not a hobby i want to adopt. but there’s never just one form of expressing your thoughts. i took a more blatant, less rhythmic, more chaotic form of writing—straight up blabbering whatever the fuck popped into my mind. which was total fucking organic; i was developing words i didn’t know i had in my mind. at one point, i created this channel and wanted to speak aloud my thoughts, which were idk if genuine or influenced, but were mine. at some point it was in my mind, and i issued it on the channel before i lost the grasp of it forever.

that’s when i acknowledged the fact that he might be better than me at poetry, but i have a special talent
the talent to think, to pop out a sentence in a way which i didn’t create or form from scratch but was just summoned in my mind somehow.

or maybe i just haven’t reverse-engineered this origination of thoughts, but i still know it’s something that gets farmed organically, and it feels total pure bliss.

rational people never hold a permanent place in anybody's heart

i personally wanna eat everybody's head who's spitting on ghibli art, i hope someday when they will create something, something worth showing to others, something which even reflects a single part of their life, something which is able to tell a story by just looking at it. on that day, i hope they feel disgusted to the core for doing what they're doing rn. animation, art and music holds a close place in my heart and something that relives me but whatever this shit is, it's not even able to copy 1% of essence but adding 99% for shame.

it truly is a greatest insult to his life.

Isn't it funny?
How people get offended by literally anything, but when it comes to robbing someone's soul poured work, as just another technological enhancement...

The sun watches what I do but the moon knows all my secrets

in mind-mapping, information branching is a lot better than information linking.

if you follow their footsteps too literally, you only reach where they stopped. the key is seeing where they would go today.

"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in"

“I have a new plan: to go mad.”
- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

when you were in a bad state and had a favorite singer back then,
then that singer is no more your favorite.
and if it still is, then you haven't moved on yet.