The Fall of Babylon, 1831

John Martin

there are moments where my life's like it's in turmoil just to realise it's just me who's spinning in circles.

"everything about you is fine except the part where you hold onto things"

a bit of colour is all it took for my skin to start shedding again, waste of whole year worth of medication which went to gorilaz ass

festivals are scary. i hope it doesn't exist

i'm back to regressing now, no wonder it took so long for me to reach here again, many people objected but i kept suppressing it, now I'm reflecting my whole and realised that I'm just a shallow, mindless entity roaming on the streets pretending to be satisfied. fuck.

i didn't think the depth this time will be so much, because i can't even see the shore yet,

the island is too far away and i'm too tired to swim. it's time i realise i need to just starve myself on this lonely tip rock

oh god how can i show myself smiling when all i am is just a lump of sorrow?

am i really that worthless? am i really that pathetic? do i really look so pity in everybody's eyes? so fucking ugly? i thought i deserved everything when all i deserve is a fucking middle finger up my face.

fuckkkk why am i still asking questions when i know everything for certain.
fucking learn to accept and keep your head low if that's what you think you should do. never look up and keep listening to whatever others say, don't ever talk back and live a life in pity because you're a fucking scumbag, who doesn't care about anything at all but just yourself.

are you really gonna be okay with this? being the smaller one? if no then fucking start acting differently and if you still cannot do it then kill your self immediately because i don't wanna live in a body or obey a brain who doesn't do what i wish to

end it forever

so cooked, turned my back for a moment

i remember when i was in 6th standard, it was too difficult for me to solve equations of motion. i couldn't do it despite somebody spoonfed me the problem. i was like how can you use the third equation and then merge it with 1st one and then use all that to complete the solution with some manipulation in equations. it was too much for me, i started feeling hopeless. But that didn't stop me, i still kept going trying to understand why the need to use both equations came at first place, can't i do it with a simpler approach and stuff and stuff, you know what? i was really interested in those days by the time i was in 8th std, i was watching videos about quantum entanglement and superposition of particles, higgs-boson particle, i knew so many wonderful channel on YT to learn it in simple form, i remember staying up all night because i was too invested in reading about nebulae and how they form then i fell into rabbit hole for that night.
I was really interested.
What happened? when did i start losing interest in every little things which i loved? when did i started doing things which i thought was worthless and not important enough? when did i stooped so low? when did i become so indifferent?

i didn't wanna blend in with crowd, didn't wanna pretend with people to become something they loved. i knew i was too torpid, apathetic for everybody because why the fuck a child stays in his room and study all day instead of hanging out with their friends? friends? yes i had one and few where i used to go play basketball, they felt real because they didn't pretend, those people knew they are better than me in that domain so they were honest with me about everything, it felt real.
being honest felt real, not the type who speaks truth all the time, but the type who presents themselves honestly. it's such a morbid yet alluring feeling. i don't know.

i was lonely, i suppose? that's why i started finding connections, everywhere i could think of, i tried to build a connection. made sure nobody hates me or nobody finds out i hate them. it was fun being in that part of my story. but i don't think my loneliness is gonna get cured by few people or some specific people. it's neither the tree in my garden nor all those who try the fruits. it's none of them, because it's superficially subsided in my brain, it doesn't hurt me but it makes me itch my brain like i somehow have to remove it from there, but now i know. there's no cure and i just gotta start ignoring the itch like a sensible person who doesn't scratch his own wound. such a tough job but i'm the only one who can do it.