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Forwarded from The General
BREAKING: Tucker Carlson reports that Qatar and Saudi Arabia have arrested Mossad agents who were going to detonate major bombs within those countries to create chaos.
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Bro. BRO. You will NOT believe what the ultimate sigma male of the ancient world had to go through. We're talking Abraham. Main character energy. Absolute goat. No printer, just fax.
So the Big Glizzy β God, the OG, the original NPC who's actually the FINAL BOSS β slides into Abraham's DMs one day like:
"Ayo Abe. You down to do somethin'? Bet. I need you to do the most unhinged thing I've ever asked anyone."
Abraham, being the absolute glazer of the divine he was, goes: "say less cuh."
God hits him with the lore dump:
"Take your son. Your ONLY son. Isaac. The one you literally waited 100 YEARS for. The one your wife laughed at me about. Yeah THAT one. Take him to Mount Moriah and we're gonna do a little rizz check."
Abraham didn't even FLINCH. No cap, no hesitation. Woke up at BUSSIN o'clock in the morning, saddled his donkey (the sigma grindset starter pack), grabbed two of his boys, grabbed Isaac, and BOUNCED.
Three days of walking. THREE. DAYS. No podcast. No aux cord. No skibidi toilet. Just vibes and existential dread.
Isaac, who was NOT getting the memo, goes:
"Ayo pops⦠we got the wood, we got the fire, we even got the drip⦠but where's the animal for the sacrifice? This giving sus energy fr."
And Abraham, looking his son DEAD in the face with the most unreadable poker face in human history, goes:
"God will provide the fit check, my son."
Isaac: "sounds shadyβ¦but ok I guess"
They get to the top. Abraham builds the altar. Arranges the wood. And then β and I cannot stress this enough β he BINDS HIS SON and puts him on the altar.
Isaac is just THERE. Not even tweaking. The most W son behavior in scripture history.
Abraham raises the knife and the ENTIRE UNIVERSE holds its breath.
The angels are losing their minds.
Heaven's comment section is going ABSOLUTELY INSANE.
And then β
"ABRAHAM!!!"
An angel YEETS into the scene from heaven like:
"BRO. BRO STOP. WAIT. PAUSE. SLAY BUT ACTUALLY NO β DON'T DO IT. YOU PASSED THE VIBE CHECK. IT WAS A TEST THIS WHOLE TIME LMAOOOO."
God pipes in:
"Sheeeesh. You really didn't ghost me. You didn't even hesitate. You were about to sacrifice your WHOLE SON and you still chose loyalty. Bro I am SOBBING. You are so based it's actually unreal."
Abraham looks up and there's a RAM β a whole entire RAM β stuck in the bushes by its horns, looking GOOFY as all get out.
Ram: ποΈπποΈ
Abraham: "aight bet" sacrifices the ram
God then proceeds to give Abraham the most unhinged W speech:
"Because you actually cooked and didn't ratio me, I'm about to bless you so hard. Your descendants will be more than the stars in the sky, more than the sand on every beach. Your kids' kids' kids will absolutely EAT. Every nation on earth is gonna be blessed through your bloodline. No cap. This is CANON."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
When the Final Boss tests your faith, you don't doom-scroll and spiral. You wake up at sigma o'clock, saddle your donkey, and TRUST THE PROCESS.
Abraham understood the assignment.
He understood it so hard it became the foundation of three world religions.
Sheesh. ππ₯
So the Big Glizzy β God, the OG, the original NPC who's actually the FINAL BOSS β slides into Abraham's DMs one day like:
"Ayo Abe. You down to do somethin'? Bet. I need you to do the most unhinged thing I've ever asked anyone."
Abraham, being the absolute glazer of the divine he was, goes: "say less cuh."
God hits him with the lore dump:
"Take your son. Your ONLY son. Isaac. The one you literally waited 100 YEARS for. The one your wife laughed at me about. Yeah THAT one. Take him to Mount Moriah and we're gonna do a little rizz check."
Abraham didn't even FLINCH. No cap, no hesitation. Woke up at BUSSIN o'clock in the morning, saddled his donkey (the sigma grindset starter pack), grabbed two of his boys, grabbed Isaac, and BOUNCED.
Three days of walking. THREE. DAYS. No podcast. No aux cord. No skibidi toilet. Just vibes and existential dread.
Isaac, who was NOT getting the memo, goes:
"Ayo pops⦠we got the wood, we got the fire, we even got the drip⦠but where's the animal for the sacrifice? This giving sus energy fr."
And Abraham, looking his son DEAD in the face with the most unreadable poker face in human history, goes:
"God will provide the fit check, my son."
Isaac: "sounds shadyβ¦but ok I guess"
They get to the top. Abraham builds the altar. Arranges the wood. And then β and I cannot stress this enough β he BINDS HIS SON and puts him on the altar.
Isaac is just THERE. Not even tweaking. The most W son behavior in scripture history.
Abraham raises the knife and the ENTIRE UNIVERSE holds its breath.
The angels are losing their minds.
Heaven's comment section is going ABSOLUTELY INSANE.
And then β
"ABRAHAM!!!"
An angel YEETS into the scene from heaven like:
"BRO. BRO STOP. WAIT. PAUSE. SLAY BUT ACTUALLY NO β DON'T DO IT. YOU PASSED THE VIBE CHECK. IT WAS A TEST THIS WHOLE TIME LMAOOOO."
God pipes in:
"Sheeeesh. You really didn't ghost me. You didn't even hesitate. You were about to sacrifice your WHOLE SON and you still chose loyalty. Bro I am SOBBING. You are so based it's actually unreal."
Abraham looks up and there's a RAM β a whole entire RAM β stuck in the bushes by its horns, looking GOOFY as all get out.
Ram: ποΈπποΈ
Abraham: "aight bet" sacrifices the ram
God then proceeds to give Abraham the most unhinged W speech:
"Because you actually cooked and didn't ratio me, I'm about to bless you so hard. Your descendants will be more than the stars in the sky, more than the sand on every beach. Your kids' kids' kids will absolutely EAT. Every nation on earth is gonna be blessed through your bloodline. No cap. This is CANON."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
When the Final Boss tests your faith, you don't doom-scroll and spiral. You wake up at sigma o'clock, saddle your donkey, and TRUST THE PROCESS.
Abraham understood the assignment.
He understood it so hard it became the foundation of three world religions.
Sheesh. ππ₯
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