I went to a cafe for a breakfast today, there was music playing. I mean, there is always some music playing, but I realized that what they play here are so often the songs from my childhood. Scorpions, The Beatles, Queen, and other nostalgic classics.

Music that makes me feel good and evokes warm memories is something I've been missing hearing in Russia for many years - maybe I just never explored the places where I can find it.

Since Christmas is coming, here is a playlist that gives me Christmas vibes 🎄

What are your favourite Christmas songs?

What is your motivation to learn English?

For many people communicating in English is a 'job-to-be-done'. A tool to live in a better place, to work for better money.

That's external motivation and external motivation is good - it produces specific goals, timelines, measurable results. And don't we all love efficiency.

One of the early comments in this channel got me thinking though... When you approach learning a language strictly from the utility perspective - to perform a set of functions - it produces limited results - which are often good enough.

The language you're learning can become a tool, but not really a language you experience yourself and the world in. Speaking it doesn't feel authentic, because it's not personal, it's not a part of identity.

In my case learning English wasn't about efficiency. I started as a kid and had years at my disposal. But I had a strong inner drive, held on to this language for dear life. I never perceived it as a mundane task my parents wanted me to do - it's was a personal quest, if you wish.

Why do people need language? The obvious answer is to communicate. To connect. To belong.

But here's something I realized about myself: my motivation that drove me to put in hours and hours of work into mastering this language since I was 10 was my urge not to belong. My big FUCK YOU to the world around me and everything that was wrong with it (at that age encapsulated in my mind by 'Russia'). It was my way to dissociate from the environment surrounding me. To have nothing to do with our history and literature - I'm just an observer. To pretend I'm somehow better. Stars and stripes and shit. So that when I was walking through my school hallways, terrified of someone's remarks - I could talk to myself in English and soothe my anxiety and tell myself - I'm not gonna stay here for long. This is not where I belong. So why bother trying to fit in, socialize, connect, and give a damn?

Sounds Russophobic, but I don't think it's about Russophobia. I think it's about failing to adjust in a society. The problem of boundaries. Since I happened to be born in Russia, it was the Russian society that I wanted to escape. Thinking in categories of black and white.

English became my loophole - a sneaky defence mechanism I was praised for using (up to a certain point). No one called me out on my bullshit, very few people ever confronted my arrogance. Many supported my narcissistic part because it sang in tune with their narcissistic part.

Only once I became comfortable thinking in English - a feeling of shame crept in. I'd be embarrassed to tell my mom how well I could speak it because I felt like a coward and a traitor. Because deep down I knew why I needed it so much.

So that was my motivation to learn English. What's yours?

Since most of the world is celebrating Christmas today, I thought it might be interesting for some to listen to a discussion about the significance of this story.

Here is a reading of the Bible fragment depicting the birth of Christ, along with the following discussion of that story and its interpretation from different perspectives, introducing both secular and religious points of view.

Merry Christmas to everyone✨

How I landed a job at a US startup

Over the last 3 years I've been working with people looking for a job abroad. The necessity of getting that offer seems so obvious now that I sometimes forget that a few years ago that wasn't yet a thing. Or maybe it wasn't a thing in my bubble.

Me getting a remote offer at an American startup was totally random. It was the first COVID year, before the unfortunate events that followed.

I had just moved out of my parents place where I was crashing during summer, and rented a flat with my friend. She had a part time job and just started her Master's. So she didn't have any consistent income, and I didn't have any income at all after burning out at my first job and quitting.

I didn't feel like building my career in marketing and didn't care much where to apply - whatever could pay my bills while not being completely exhausting would do.

So I analyzed my qualifications and made a list of possible positions: a marketing manager, an SMM manager, a copywriter, a model, an English tutor. I think there was something else, but I can't recall now.

A couple of highlights of my job search included coming to a job interview which turned out to be for webcam and recording an English lesson for preschoolers wearing a Supergirl costume 🦸🏼‍♀️

Still have that video - my male friend told me I had a huge potential in escort... But I passed on that opportunity. I passed on the webcam option too, even though it seemed like a great chance to boost communication skills.

In the meantime, I also applied for a new grad position at a US startup, which I found in my school's graduates career channel. The job ad was posted by Grintern - they mostly work with junior specialists.

Their selection process wasn't too tough - a typical screening conversation, a couple of interviews and a testing task. Granted, I was somewhat overqualified and the job description didn't seem that exciting, but my American dream was all the motivation I needed. The salary was OK too.

I got the job.

Point is, you never know when and where you'll find an option that works for you, so keep an open mind🙂

#story

Rituals are important. Sharing a meal with people you trust is probably the most important ritual there is. Every person from Russia I talked to yesterday was pretty much going through the same steps, preparing the same meals.

Somehow, for the second year in a row, I neglect the whole traditional New Year routine and happen to be in places which just don't look like winter, hanging out with people who don't know what оливье is...

It's a bit weird, patterns aren't matching. But I feel like in order for something to be built empty space is required first. So cheers to building the life that feels authentic🥂

I wish you to belong and feel capable wherever you are. To find balance in the chaotic world. To feel that the place you're currently at is your place, and surround yourself with people you enjoy being with.

And not to have any language barrier to connect🤗

Happy New Year!✨

I want to share a movie I watched. It's the best one I've seen, perhaps, in years.

Naturally, different stories resonate with us in different periods of our lives. So partly it might be about timing. Partly - because I've been to Japan, and what the character finds there is familiar.

The movie is esthetically stunning. And it is an adult movie.

I also learned a word in German: ‘Fernweh’. It means the opposite of homesickness - ‘far-sore’ or ‘farsickness’. English has a word 'wanderlust', but it's not quite the same. The word is about pain, not lust.

Watch it if you have the mood for it - it's a drama and a thriller. Although the trailer alludes to a worse ending than there actually is.

#movie

I wish I could say I was having amazing vacation, but, in my best habit, I went down with something like COVID instead.

It seems that with this sickness my psyche has returned to some default state. I don't feel like I'm travelling anymore. In fact, when I wake up, for some minutes my brain can't even tell where I am, or when. Could have been in my grandparents' summer house.

I got very comfortable with my lovely and consistent neighbours - Molly from Vietnam and Kathy from Philippines. They've been here almost as long as I have.

So one of these mornings - well, actually it was late afternoon - I was sitting in the kitchen in half trance, methodically finishing something that I ordered from Grab the previous night. The local cat was purring on my lap - as usual, totally disregarding my need for personal space.

And then the weirdest thing happened - two WHITE WESTERNERS entered our homestay. Yes, I'm also white, and yes, I'm also technically a westerner, but they seemed like they stepped out of some alternative reality, the other side of a TV screen. And fuck their beautiful British and American accents.

Smiling and offering me hands to shake, they asked me if I'm also staying here. My brain short-circuited.

No, I'm not staying here, I'm LIVING here, this is MY kitchen, MY cat, and that used to be MY room where you're heading.

At that point I realized that it's probably time to get my own place. A cozy little house somewhere in the rice fields.

But then who's going to buy meds and fix food for me when I'm sick? Whose cat it going to annoy the fuck out of me by demanding food and forcing me to cuddle?

Maybe I'm not ready for a place of my own just yet.

A friend sent me a reel with this app. And there I was, naively thinking my accent didn't sound Russian.

Apparently, Oracle's AI can determine your accent and, unless you're a native speaker, kindly suggest you pay for its service and work on your pronunciation😄

But diagnosing is for free, so have fun!

I got an email from levels.fyi with the annual salary report. (That's the startup where I used to work). Thought it might be interesting for you to check out 🙂

These guys collect salary data for digital jobs across the US, Canadian, and European markets.

Unlike similar platforms with salary data (LinkedIn or Glassdoor), they provide a very clear structure which takes into account a job family (e.g., software developer, PM, UX/UI designer, ...), seniority level (e.g., junior, middle, senior, lead, principle ...), location (country / state), company - ensuring you can get as many details as possible. Total compensation is broken down into 3 components: base salary, bonus (sign on / performance), and stock.

Also, there are algorithms that track and remove outliers, and there is a huge database of verified offers (real offers submitted anonymously), so the data you see is pretty accurate.

Another cool thing is that you can compare average total comp across companies for the same level of seniority. This information is important to know because the total comp in your offer is often determined by company's salary band fixed for each level. So, naturally, your experience affects your level of seniority (the scope of responsibilities you'll have) - but it's not something determined during a job interview. Typically, when they are interviewing you, they already know which level of seniority they need for this position and how much they can pay for it.

So suppose a company is looking for a Senior Software Engineer - and you have that level of seniority, so you're an eligible candidate and your experience fits the role. They have a range they can offer fixed for this level. So how much you get isn't about how good you are as a professional (it's been determined you're good enough for this position) - it's about how much you ask for.

If you name a number too big - outside of their comb band - they can't afford you. If your number is below their maximum - you'll be lowballed.

So it's safer to name a range, not a number. But the best strategy is to find out exactly how much you can expect to be compensated for a specific position, location, and company.

Here are some great articles on salary negotiation, what total compensation includes, what you need to know about equity in your offer.

I remembered another story about interviewing for the American startup.

You guys heard about the STAR method of answering behavioral questions, right?
If you haven't - check it out here. It will definitely help you prepare for a job interview in any language.

In a nutshell, you need to tell a specific story, using the past tenses, explaining the situation, your task, your actions, and the result that followed. Hence the abbreviation. If it's a failure story - add what you've learned. The idea is that your behavior in the past is the best predictor for your behavior in the future.

It's this type of interview questions that start with: Tell me about a time when... you fucked up made a mistake. Or achieved something great.

These 2 are actually the most common questions. I got both of them in my final interview with the cofounders. I handled the mistake question well - years of self-loathing, scrutinizing my faults and why I suck and what I should have done differently helped me there.

But the success story question - that one was trickier. Mind you, I prepared. I picked a story - since I was interviewing for a new grad position, I figured I'd talk about my bachelor's thesis project. I did research on brand positioning and price perception for a small B2B coffee company, using conjoint analysis to calculate the exact adjustment in price for each product position and yada yada yada.

I did actually think I'd done a decent job on that project. Put a lot of work and ingenuity into it, it showcased my analytical and problem solving skills. That was a good story, which I confidently ended with the predicted increase in ROI that I had calculated.

And then, after an awkward pause, Zaheer (one of the co-founders) smiled and gently prompted me:

— so, amm, I guess the company has implemented your recommendations on their pricing?

Well... I highly doubt that, because as I was giving birth to my thesis, the CEO of that company was giving birth to a baby and my project was probably the last thing on her mind. I was kind of surprised she even made time to talk to me. But anyways, I have no idea what happened next, because I got hit by a car 4 days after presenting my thesis, spent the rest of that summer learning how to walk again, fell into depression, and didn't stay in touch. — my brain helpfully offered.

— amm, it so happened that I didn't really stay in touch with them... — I managed after some seconds of painful silence.

... more silence

— oh I see, well...

I don't remember how that conversation ended. Probably with more awkward pauses. My point here is: don't be like me, make sure your success story actually has a proper and conclusive happy ending😄

Good luck with your next job interview, whenever it happens!

The 2 week eating spree in the name of Tet (the Vietnamese new year) has officially started 🍛🎉

I naively thought I wasn't going to gain weight this January because I'm far away from our lovely tradition to eat for 10 days in a row. Scratch that, apparently I just adapted to the lunar calendar.

The first celebratory meal was at our neighbour's place this Sunday. They are traditional farmers with chickens, geese and goats.

There was a 86-year old lady, she walked up to us in her fancy pajamas, smoking a cigarette, absolutely slaying it. She is still very strong and does the farming work.

Granny was sitting next to me at the table, sipping coke with ice. I thought maybe I needed to help her with serving food, but the woman knows what she wants and can take good care of herself. At some point I noticed she started putting more food in my bowl - to make sure I'm eating enough.

I guess that's what grandmothers everywhere have in common😊

#Vietnam

About PC and hedging language 🙊

At some point, when people were asking me what I do for a living, I'd say - I tutor English. Well, I mean, I kinda teach people to speak politely in English.

And then I listened to myself and thought - wtf? First, who am I to teach someone, typically more experienced than me, good manners? Secondly, don't I hate political correctness? Don't I think it's a crappy idea to form a habit of starting your thoughts with 'I'm sorry' and 'I'm afraid'? To disguise the truth?

Well, it's not that simple, of course. Culturally appropriate communication is important. Formulating one's thoughts in a way that the intended message is heard is important. And people from our culture do tend to be direct, if compared to the IT world average.

Although, in my experience, there are actually 2 groups of people: 'too direct' and 'too polite'. Also, these categories seem to correlate with gender to some extent (again, in my experience).

I myself definitely overuse hedging language. Mastering the skill of rounding the edges came so easily to me at the university because that's how people in my family speak - in Russian. Using polite expressions, abstractions, terminology - whatever else not to say things directly.

So it seems like cultural proclivities are only one of the factors. There is also the individual level of agreeableness (which might correlate with gender), family patterns, socializing experience, desired self-image.

In any case, I'm so used to people in my bubble speaking 'softly' and indirectly, that I've been unquestionably conveying this manner of communication to my clients - since that's what's expected in the international teams.

But recently I had quite an enlightening conversation with a young woman from Croatia. Although not as young as me - she has 9 more years of life experience which makes our conversations that much more valuable for me.

We were talking about manipulation. I mentioned that there is a distinction between conscious and intended manipulation (e.g., what psychopaths do) and unaware, childish manipulation (e.g., what people with hysterical personality organization often do). And then Anya said - there is no such thing as unintended, unaware manipulation. They always know exactly what they are doing.

The way she said it contained 'No, you're wrong' and 'It's your fault' (my fault for coming up with excuses for a manipulator).

I was slightly shocked by her choice of words. I don't think I've ever been told that in English. I don't think these phrases are even in my active vocabulary. These are tabooed phrases. That what shall not be named.

My knee jerk reaction was to get defensive, but before I could do that, Anya explained what she meant. And she meant it with care. She cared enough to tell me where I was wrong (from her perspective) without sugarcoating it.

Her words stopped me in my tracks. They made me question my perspective immediately. There is a difference between hearing 'I'm not quite sure I agree with you here' and 'You're wrong'. The former might be more polite and less likely to trigger an aggressive response. But the letter is signalling that there might be something seriously wrong with your map of the world and it's important to pay attention to it now - otherwise you'll keep getting yourself in trouble.

Her words made me rethink my reaction patters in relationships, and they made me wonder if I should bring the aforementioned expressions into my active vocabulary.

Only I have a feeling it's not as easy as activating newly learned words😅

#reflections

I wanted to write a follow-up to the previous post for almost a week, but couldn't bring myself to do it for some reason... ➡️ A few tips on how to communicate confidently and increase the chances of getting what you want🤗

Check out this LinkedIn post with examples of formulating requests effectively.

There is a fine line between being polite and being passive-aggressive. Just as there is one between being assertive and being rude. You want to be polite yet assertive.

I guess the rule of thumb is replacing 'sorry' with 'thank you' - gratitude feels much better than guilt with an undertone of resentment.

And expressing your need / suggestion directly instead of asking if it's possible.

That being said, go with what feels authentic. I wouldn't feel comfortable implementing all of those suggestions, although I like them.

What about you?

I was doing a visa run today, which means another 45 days have passed and I had to spend 10 hours cramped in a way too small car seat.

It also means a music day. I was listening to my old playlist. A couple of 21 pilots' songs played, and I recalled just how much they meant to me a few years ago.

Thing is, as a kid I mostly listened to songs in English (and occasionally German, having discovered Rammstein). That was years before I started understanding English, so my brain hadn't developed a habit of paying attention to lyrics and I kept ignoring them later on.

But then, as I moved to the university dorm, there was a group of friends (thank you, people from room 235 💔), music was always playing, I saved some songs I liked on my phone.

And one day, as I was hearing another familiar song, I had a revelation. For the first time I heard the words. Really heard them. They made sense. I could relate. So I started listening.

I think Tyler is a lyrical genius. If you've never heard these guys - check out their songs for the sake of poetry if nothing else.

It's kind of like hip hop in terms of the flow, really energetic, but the vibe is very different. Most hip hop songs are about channeling anger. 21 pilots' music is written in the spirit of kindness and compassion. It is life affirming, despite taking you through a personal tragedy. It's a journey out of the underworld.

I'd say the themes in their songs are most relevant for adolescents and young adults, but also people struggling with mental health. For me their music became the first step in getting in touch with myself.

And a great inspiration in terms of the language and what I can express with it.

Check out some of their music if you're in the mood for it 🤍

Blurry Face
Vessel

Unless your answer is 'Old enough🍷' — the inquiry about one's age is often unwelcome and considered inappropriate. And no wonder.

For whatever reason, in the English language the question itself implies you're old.

When I hear 'how old are you' - it's like a reminder of all the unmet deadlines - regardless of age. Besides, my Instagram feed is kindly suggesting a face yoga course, asking me if I'm 30 yet...

But then comes my Filipino friend and asks 'How young are you?'

God bless Kathy. I'm not sure if it's a Filipino thing or a Kathy thing, but I love this minor adjustment. Works like magic🔮

PS, recruiters have no business asking about your age, it's a potential cause for discrimination. So don't put your age on your CV :)

I got sick again - apparently, I'm not that young🥲

So I spent a day reading a stupid romance book - for teenage female audience, I assume - my guilty pleasure when the brain completely refuses to function.

There is this classic American high school drama happening 3 years too late (at college), mixed with Squid Game and 50 Shades of Grey tropes. Exciting stuff, full of mental distortions, no common sense, supposed to be kinda scary.

And it did scare me. Not the part where some evil male patriarch society hunts and kills people. But the part where a girl's life was almost ruined after she'd been falsely accused of disliking public display of affection by LGBT. She almost got cancelled.

I lost count of times I came across words 'bigot', 'sick', 'that kind of people', 'won't tolerate', 'won't stand', 'disclose'. The whole plot was built on a pretty lame misunderstanding - one person refused to listen to what the other had to say. Which was one realistic thing in that book.

Every now and then I meet people from the US and my first instinct is to tread lightly. To be really careful with my words until I get a feeling of whether they are democrats or republicans.

Well, from here it looks like mostly people voted against rather than for - trying to choose a lesser evil. But I don't think I've met any republicans yet.

Mostly it's democrats or people who refused to vote - some of them literally fleeing the US. To me it seems unprecedented.
And, ironically, horrified by the prospect of the democracy demise, they move to a country with USSR flags proudly hoisted every 50 meters.

They say that half of America really doesn't talk to another half. So there is this positive feedback loop on both sides. And if a person tries to find some reasonable middle ground and refuses to pick sides, people from both sides hate them.

So, basically, there is no possibility of open conversation. People would be super careful talking to their friends - because they don't know where their friends stand and they don't ask out of fear of being 'canceled' - by their friends...

I mean, absurd as it is, sounds like we aren't doing that bad in the freedom of speech domain.

It's just my perspective and limited experience, of course🙂

I would really like to know other perspectives, from people living in different countries. How is it there? Have you ever faced any form of censorship? How open are people to discussing controversial things?

To elaborate on the previous post, I want to comment on the skill of listening.

We don't listen to each other for a whole bunch of reasons.
Because we are not interested, because we are afraid to hear something we won't like (and probably know to be true deep down), because the provided information doesn't make enough sense or contradicts the known, challenging our world view or even value structure.

Or because we literally can't make out what the other person is saying. This last point is, perhaps, the easiest to work on. So I'll start with it.

When people are learning a new language, the focus is always on speaking. Learning to talk. Listening is important in the context of taking an exam or comprehending native speech in various contexts (work, travelling, movies).

But rarely do we consider the importance of listening as a communication skill. On the one hand, one typically needs to reach a certain level of fluency to start concerning themselves with becoming good listeners. It's kind of like the hierarchy of needs.

On the other hand, this hierarchy is determined by the end goal. If the goal is not about your excellent self, but about establishing a connection with another, than listening is, perhaps, more important than talking.

When I was in Brazil, I spent my last week in a small village. Not a soul there spoke English. I met a traveller in his senior years, a man who literally spent his whole life on the road. Carried all of his belongings in a bag. Every evening we shared food, wine, a joint, and somehow had a conversation. In Portuguese, which I didn't really speak. But I listened, and he listened very closely to the scraps of sentences I managed to form. That was one of the most interesting conversations in my life.

Thing is, the wine and the joint didn't magically insert Portuguese vocabulary into my brain. But they did help me become less self-conscious, let go of my narcissistic concerns, and focus on my companion's story instead.

With our formal education system, people are often so afraid of not understanding something they should be able to understand, that the stress associated with it completely inhibits the ability to be present with another person. It's like you're being graded on the exam all over again, and you're failing. And that's all you can focus on. In fact, if you ask for clarification, they will know you failed.

This pattern is not so easy to rewrite. But possible, with enough practice ⚙️

The simplest thing you can do to improve your communication skills is to develop a habit of asking for more detail.

— I'm not sure if I got your idea, can you please explain?
— Could you elaborate on that?
— How so? How come?
— Can you give me some more context? Provide an example?

So, whenever you don't know what to say or how to say it, you can always take a deep breath, pause, and let someone else speak. And perhaps that will help you clarify and formulate your own thoughts🌱

Speaking of listening from the relationship perspective, here is a short video about creating the environment in which the other person feels heard. In a nutshell, letting someone 'empty their bucket' without any judgment helps people become less defensive and opens an opportunity to find some common ground.

I mean, it sounds like a very trivial piece of advice. But when someone says something completely contradicting your belief system, it might be hard not to mentally (if not out loud) discard it as total bullshit.

I was once talking to an intelligent person with technical background. Somehow the conversation led to my companion confessing his belief in one very unscientific conspiracy theory. It took a certain level of trust on his part, mind you. He was very well aware of how people typically react to such statements.

And I have to say, that was a hard blow to the logical part of me. And to the arrogant I know-it-all part. I wasn't sure how to gracefully continue that conversation. His belief contradicted my notion of common sense, it was one of those You're WRONG cases.

But I was also attracted to that person and found him formidable. So in my attempts to resolve the emerged cognitive dissonance, I tried to understand how he was thinking. I started probing carefully, avoiding any judgment. Turned out, his belief had deep existential roots which I can relate to very much. I might have a different conception of how the world is, but at least I understand where he was coming from and what's important to him.

Being curious about the other and willing to consider different perspectives is easy if you like a person and want to get on the same page with them. It's not easy when you don't like them and want them to be wrong. And that's when they can probably share something of real value.

Anyways, here is a couple of YouTube channels with great tips to boost your soft skills:

📌https://www.youtube.com/@melrobbins
📌https://www.youtube.com/@SimonSinek

Here is one of my favourite videos on managing difficult conversations🙂

#video