Emotions and therapy in a non-native language

Disclaimer: It's long and nerdy post with open questions🌱

I want to share an observation made by one psychotherapist I met here. Douglas is 70, from Michigan, has been living in Vietnam for 14 years. He even wrote a few books here.

He works with English speaking people, still has ~ 4 clients per day - including non-native speakers. So I asked him how effective he thinks a therapeutic process can be if a client can't use their mother tongue.

He said that, of course, there is a lot of cultural variation. But there is not always as much differentiation between people based on their country as there is based on their ‘bubbles’ - or sub cultures in which they were raised. E.g., a small town VS a big city.

That made a lot of sense to me - I feel like I might find much more in common with someone from a similar educational background and lifestyle - even if they are from the other side of the globe - than with a Russian person from a different background.

Another thing he pointed out - many people, perhaps even most people, struggle with understanding themselves and verbalizing what they feel, with shaping their emotions in words - in their mother tongue as well. So learning to do it in another language is taking it to the next level, but if you have to learn to do it 'from scratch', does it make that much difference which language is being used?

He also mentioned that some of his clients reported that there are no ways in their native language to express what they can express in English. And vice versa, I’d assume.

That’s a very interesting point, because psychoanalysis is a product of the Western culture, its theory was developed within the underlying presuppositions of that culture. It's based on the Western understanding of the world, with Christianity as the main underlying mythology representing our value hierarchy. German and English are pretty close. German and Russian - not so much, although we still have mythological narratives in common. German and Vietnamese aren't close at all. Of course, there are universal patterns and myths across cultures. I don't know nearly enough about it to say to what extent they overlap and how significant the variation is.

And so my question is - how well can a person understand their own psyche, soul, self - which was shaped within a specific culture with certain ways of interpreting self and the world and the rules of interaction between them, and using a certain language to describe all of that - if they use linguistic concepts from another culture which construes self and the world and the rules of interaction between them in a different way?

Maybe cross cultural differences aren't significant enough and the concept of 'sane' is universal for all humans. On the other hand, here is a description of 'sane' that I heard in a lecture by Dr Peterson: sanity is not something in us, is a participation in the ordered structuring of something that is hierarchical and aimed at unity. In other words, it's about how well we can function in the society we live in, occupying a certain place in its hierarchy. So being 'sane' should have different forms in different societies.

So far, in my personal experience in therapy, I can’t recall a situation when I’d use an expression in Russian and wouldn’t be able to find its alternative in English. BUT. If I were thinking in English in the process, it wouldn’t hit home. It would be hard for me to relate to my childhood experiences, because thinking in Russian and in English happens in parallel. So I’d identify my emotion in the present, be able to describe what’s happening to me in the present, but I’d struggle with connecting it to my past. It’s like the link is broken. And to me this link seems to be something essential for effective therapy. I’d be able to describe what’s happening now, but wouldn’t be able to realize that oh, so that’s the same thing that was happening then. And it's through that realization that I can go back to then and fix now.

Any thoughts and comments are welcome☘️

Saw this on Instagram🙃

It brought to mind another cute and super common mistake that we (Russians) tend to make when talking about our feelings.

So, a gentle reminder: we're not feeling ourselves on work calls (that's what Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj are doing), we just feel - whatever / however we feel today🧡

What's the funniest mistake (or perhaps a Freudian slip😄) you've made / heard others make?

A couple of more things about emotions and personality🎭

Here is an idea to help you express yourself better in personal life: take psychological tests in English. They probably won't tell you anything new... Or maybe they will - the results might vary depending on which language you use to think about the questions.

The point of this exercise is to reflect on your behavioral and emotional patterns in English, which might help you create more associations and cause-effect links in this language.

And then read the description of your 'type' - to match what you already know about yourself with the vocabulary to describe it in English.

Here are some tests can try:

📍16 personalities
📍Big 5 personality traits
📍Personality Disorder Test (I'd say this one is more about personality organization, although I'm not sure at can produce very accurate results. But you can see how you score compared to the average web score.)

Also, here is a lecture course on personality that I enjoyed so much! It was illuminating in many ways, and a lot of fun too. And then it provided some glimpses into our history from the outside - that part was not very fun. But I'm grateful for hearing it.

I'm trying to figure out my work-life balance again. This time I'm also observing how life can be arranged alternatively.

I practically live in a village. A village with a river, a beach, and myriads of fancy cafes for white people. I wake up to chickens (they really make the 'KU-KA-RE-KU' sound), pass cows and other cattle and people in those Vietnamese hats harvesting crops every day.

Locals here often wake up before dawn - so most of their work is done in the morning - and seem to have something of a siesta in the hottest part of the day. Despite all the hard manual work they do, the vibe here is relaxed and slow-paced.

I also know many young women who's daily routines are basically about taking care of the house, cooking, taking care of kids (or 30-year-old white kids who are just as helpless in the kitchen). No full-time job, no career ambitions.

Sounds like everything a 'progressive' woman is not supposed to want. But they enjoy this nurturing, traditionally feminine way of life - something I'm learning to appreciate here as well. To be honest, I feel like finally I'm slowly connecting with what it feels like to be a woman.

One day I caught myself thinking that this is what I want my life to be like - to forget about productivity, efficiency, and someone's business goals and be in touch with my surroundings instead. Cook, share meals with others instead of stuffing myself with whatever was in the fridge in 10 min between the calls.

That was a beautiful realization. But the next day I decided that I needed more money😅 The funny thing is that it's technically not true. But apparently I can't handle not being overworked. Not yet, at least.

#Vietnam

A glimpse of my daily surroundings here

About alternative lifestyles

To continue the previous post, a local friend of mine moved out of a comfortable apartment to an abandoned building across the street.

She's living there and renovating it with her other friend and that friend's son (the boy who taught me to count to 10).

The ladies don't have full time jobs. The boy's mother doesn't have any job, as far as I understood. My friend works as a PA (personal assistant) and finishes her laptop work until 8 am.

Then she walks around collecting wood to make fire and gathering food to cook breakfast. Then lunch, and then dinner. Could it ever occur to you to spend your time on gathering food instead of on making money to buy it?

Obviously, it can only work in a tropical climate, perhaps not in the long run, and then there is an available apartment next door just in case. But the fact that this life model works at all and is preferable to an office job fascinated to me.

My friend is my age, did her bachelor's degree in Business Administration, then worked in marketing-related role in Saigon. She also speaks great English. So she's not exactly your typical 'hippy material'.

And yet she's eager to spend her days making fire on the porch of their abandoned house, cooking whatever she can find and whatever neighbours share, going scavenging to find pieces of furniture and decor in trash dumps.

These ladies are beaming with happiness. And I think I can relate. I only allow myself such lifestyle once or twice a year when I go camping to a Karelia forest. Apparently, for some it can be their normal.

#Vietnam

Lannah's wisdom: part 3 (here are parts 1 and 2)

One more thought I want to share about small talk... and conversations in general.

One peculiar thing my friend said to me - When I approach people, my filters are off. I can say something like: 'your lips look so yummy tonight'. And then see what happens.

I asked how she'd react if someone said that to her.

She answered - depends on how she feels with that person. She can react by deadpanning them with 'what the hell do you want from me?' - or she can get all flirty, smile, and say 'thank you'.

Now, the first reaction is basically a clarifying question, as well as setting a boundary that would likely cut off an unwelcome intruder. The second reaction - inviting a welcome intruder into further exploration.

Neither of those reactions are 'freeze' (or 'fight' or 'flight'). Which is what I would do if someone told me my lips looked yummy. And I have a hypothesis that this is the reason why I myself can't say something like that to another person.

The point I want to make is that I'm still learning to set my boundaries. And I subconsciously project my struggles onto other people. I assume they will struggle with setting their boundaries too. So I tend to perceive asking personal questions / making honest remarks as an act of aggression that another person won't be able to handle.

Lannah, on the other hand, is good at setting her boundaries. And she probably expects others to be well capable of that too. So she asks questions and she says what she feels like saying - she's not afraid that the other person will crumble at her words.

Just to clarify, I'm not suggesting you tell your colleagues their lips look yummy as a conversation starter in a Monday meeting🙂

But perhaps some questions or comments you deem inappropriate / too personal are in fact OK to voice and will signal that you want to connect.

#reflections

One free Monday evening I went to a bar (that's a good way to start a week, by the way - highly recommend🙂). I was talking to someone I just met - originally from the UK, now living here, probably in his mid 40s. At some point I said it was time to call it a day - I had an 8 am call the next morning. So he looks at me with a sympathetic smile, sipping his wine and taking a drag on a joint... And then he goes:

- Oh wait a second... what day is it tomorrow?  Is it Tuesday? Shit, I have a call at 8 am too... And today was the deadline for my report...

... then he laughs and takes another sip from his glass. And smokes some more weed.

Wish you more wonderful Monday evenings✨

One of my clients shared an app with me - I want to share it with you 🙂

Basically it's a little bit of cognitive therapy everyday - in English. You can start and finish your day with it, takes 10-15 min. The purpose of the app is to help you track and structure your thoughts, avoid negative distortions, highlight positive aspects.

And another app I want to share - Gemeni (one of AI language models). This one self-installed itself on my new phone - it's kind of like an AI assistant. For the first 2 months I was cursing it every time a window with 'how can I help you' popped up - my phone was laggy enough without additional workload. But this weekend I finally figured out how to access extra RAM, and tried this app.

Turns out you can talk to it if you switch to live mode - like pick a voice you like and have an actual conversation - for free. You can use it as a language learning buddy or a life coach, which is so cool. I decided to use it to discuss my dreams with it when I wake up - just like GPT it provides a pretty decent analysis for an AI.

So here are a couple of pleasant routines in English to add to your day🔮

I think I'm struggling with a philosophical question I should have figured out when I was 3:

Крошка сын к отцу пришел,
и спросила кроха:
— Что такое хорошо
и что такое плохо?

My sleep schedule somehow got messed up, and my brain got into a nasty habit of waking up around 4 am and staying awake for a couple of hours. During this time it entertains me with all kinds of weird thoughts.

This morning something got me thinking about the etymology of our core archetypal concepts - Good and Evil. In Russian it's Добро и Зло.
We also have good and bad - хорошо и плохо. And there is another word wicked - as in 'a wicked witch' - something in between of bad and evil, I suppose.

So the meanings of these words overlap across the 2 languages, but they are not exactly the same.

It seems that good and bad are usually attributed to humanity - people, things made by people, life circumstances of people. Good and Evil are about something that transcends humanity. They are about archetypes like God and the devil.

So what gripped my attention is that in Russian the Good is apparently related to the concept of kindness. And the Evil - to anger. These are polar categories and represent 2 major forces of being.

One thing that came to mind here is how an infant sees a mother. It's also polar - either she's good - the Good (when she's a source of gratification, e.g., during breast feeding), or she's bad (when she's a cause of frustration / is upset with a baby). So when she's bad - does she represent the Evil in the eyes of a child?

That would sort of make sense - for a 'kind' mother to represent the Good, and for an 'angry' mother - the Evil (until a certain age). Because I'm not sure that for a child there is any distinction between a display of anger and malevolence.

Here is what Google AI helpfully provided on the origin of the words:

The word "good" comes from a combination of Old English, Old Germanic, Dutch, and Scandinavian. It was originally spelled "god" with a long "O" sound and meant "beneficial" or "righteous". The word's origins can be traced back to the Old English perception of God as benevolent and merciful.

The Latin word malus (if I'm not mistaken, in Spanish 'malo' means 'bad') is the closest Latin word to the English word "evil".
In the Gospel of Matthew, the Greek word poneros is used to translate the word "evil" or "wicked". The root concept of poneros is "being oppressed by toils (traps / struggles)" and it has a negative connotation that suggests being useless or worthless.

I suppose that a benevolent and merciful God is sort of a 'kind parent' figure, if simplified.
But someone 'useless and worthless' sounds lot different from 'angry and malevolent'. Or maybe these categories are not so different after all...

To sin means to miss the mark. Same in Russian - грех - погрешность. Which has something to do with being useless and worthless. Maybe the cultural narrative here is that if you fuck up consistently over a long enough period of time, you become the embodiment of Evil...

That's not a very pleasant thought, I probably got it wrong somewhere on the way😅

But if you guys know other languages, please share the words for Good and Evil in them - what are the origins of those words?

I'm not even close to figuring out the philosophical questions about Good and Evil, but I think I have figured out why the chickens outside of my homestay scream throughout the whole night and keep me awake at 4 am.

The fuckers wait for all the traffic to stop (around 11 PM), so that everyone can hear them loud and clear and there are no competing noises.

When traffic resumes in the morning (around 6.30 AM) - they shut up for the whole day.

How much do we understand about where we are?

It's a long post in 3 parts, with my reflections on traveling and relocation. You're very welcome to share your experience, if you feel like it🔮

I'm finally starting to ask myself where I am. To notice where I am. To notice that the land is strange. That it has history - a bloody one, because every history is that way. But I don't know their story.

I wonder if it's about being in a new place. If every person going through immigration discovers that they are in a strange land at some point. I'm not talking about stumbling upon inconveniences of shopping, dealing with unexpected bureaucracy or hearing a new language. I'm talking about this realization, deep in your bones, that you've no idea where you are. In which system, what your place in this system is, how deep and into what darkness its roots go.

I'm used to traveling alone. Since a relatively early age. I remember finding myself in an unfamiliar airport when I was 14, having to navigate my way without any idea of what my destination would be like. So my started creating a map with familiar patterns. Looking for sameness. Starbucks, KFC, McDonald's, Forever 21, Zara, H&M, music in my headphones, the logic of navigating another tangled metro. They are the same in Tokyo, Shanghai, Seoul, Sao Paulo. Every airport works the same way, every unknown language sounds like the same gibberish. Well, not exactly the same, but it's blurred out of focus in the same way. People's faces and reactions are blurred out of focus in the same way.

The same behavioral strategy worked well enough for me everywhere: smile, be nice, carry this foreigner's helplessness and cluelessness around yourself wherever you go. Show off that you're not from here. Not from anywhere, perhaps. You're a stranger, but you believe in the kindness of strangers (they must be kind if they aren't from where you're from, right?), and so they are kind to you. Until they're not, but what are the odds of that as long as you keep to your familiar patterns? You're just someone passing by. You're a welcome guest, but you'll never really belong. And all the local problems have nothing to do with you. Ignorance is bliss and you feel entitled to stay ignorant. You aren't a part of this system. So if you never stick around for long enough anywhere, it might seem like you aren't a part of any system. Now isn't that a delightful thought?

I'm saying you instead of I again. Maybe in hopes that it's relatable.

I'm realizing that I permanently identify as a stranger passing by. Even at home. The very word home sounds off. I sometimes get the feeling of it - when I am taken care of, but can't tie it to a place. My whole life in Russia I felt like a foreigner who's not going to stay. I didn't want to understand our culture, too look at it and admit I'm a part of it. I'm not a faith person. Perhaps not a faithful one either. And I don't just mean God. The leap of faith itself has always been hard for me. But one thing I did have faith in was that I'd grow up and leave.

And now that I have left (for now) and I don't really have to go back - I feel like I do. My friend asked me why I need to return to Russia. One would think it's cause I miss my friends and family. But it's not that - not for the most part. It's so that I get to stay nothing more than a passing traveler here. Even the most delightful place imaginable is scary to belong to.

I suspect it's about the fact that any system has a tyrannical element to it. Every family, institution, state. The degree of tyranny varies, but it's always there. The limitation is there. Understanding where you are in this somewhat tyrannical hierarchy, looking at your position in it with eyes wide open - is something I never had the courage to do. I'd rather pretend I'm not a part of any hierarchy and jump ship every time I feel the slightest strain. Maybe people choosing life on the road have that in common.

And yet there is this idea again: being able to function in an ordered hierarchy aimed at unity is the essence of sanity.

...

Lately it has become trendy to say 'Escape the matrix!'. But matrix means matter. The structure of being. And it's not like Neo woke up to a paradise free of constraints. The underlying structure turned out to be much harder and more painful to understand and accept than the software for a convenient layer of perception. Much more demanding and openly hostile too.

...

Since it's impossible to exist outside of a system, I think the fact I've never really felt a part of any system indicates a wall of fear and denial. Refusal to look at the systems I interacted with and at least attempt to understand them. I also have a feeling that it's dangerous not to understand which systems you belong to, their rules. I mean, it's a safe and friendly world - at the layer of Starbucks and Airbnb. At the layer where cluelessness is a working strategy. But if you have no idea what lies beyond that and accidentally step in there - who knows what you'll find. I'm lucky that the worst thing that happened to me was a knife pressed to my stomach.

My question to the people who have moved - wow do you find yourselves in a strange land?

What are your strategies for adapting to a new place? Are you planning to stay where you are?

Came across this lovely video. Got me thinking how often I hear 'I need to learn English first' from people who have been fluent enough to speak for a while🐣

We're used to associating a language that we've learned with a skill that we are going to be evaluated on. So we want to make sure we're good enough at it before anyone can hear us speak. But that's not what conversation is about.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), no amount of grammar exercises and learning new vocabulary will help you start talking to people.

So in case you still have this thought that you need to boost your English before you can talk to people - that's probably not true😉

How to get ready to speak English at work in weeks

Here's something I shared on LinkedIn a while ago - thought it might be relevant to some people here.

If you are on a tight deadline (suppose you've signed an offer at an international company and start in a week), here is one thing that will help you fast.

Imagine that you have to onboard a new employee joining your last company to replace you. You need to walk this person through everything you do, day to day, step by step. Explain your key areas of responsibilities, tasks in each of those areas, their frequency, deadlines, who you report them to.

Open the tools you use at work, go over your tasks, and explain the how-to in the process. Here’s a list of questions to help you start:

📍What is the task about and what’s its purpose?
📍Who assigns it? What communication tools are used?
📍What tools / software do you use to do this task?
📍How to go about it (in detail: which specific actions to take)?
📍What are some important points to keep in mind?
📍What is the deadline for this task?
📍How regularly do you need to do that?
📍Who do you report it to? Who do you ask for feedback?

You can actually record your screen and talk in the process - as if you were recording a real video for someone who’s going to learn from you. Then watch your videos, see if some things can be explained more clearly and concisely, try again.

It’s going to feel very awkward in the beginning (I’ve been there), and it’s a time consuming activity. But if you spend 2-3 hours a day practicing - in a week you’re going to feel much more confident and prepared to communicate with your new team in English.

One more thing you can do - think about what responsibilities from your last workplace you’ll have in your future position. They probably won’t match 100% but there will be some overlap. So you can focus on those overlapping activities and practice with the most relevant tasks🎯

#activity

About feeling prepared enough

A follow up on the previous post. For many people it's vital to know they are well prepared for a new challenging activity (e.g., communicating in English at a new job) - before they even consider trying it.

And fair enough - Be Prepared - as Tom Lehrer sang - only good advice from this guy. Unless you are an adrenalin seeking type, thriving on excitement bordering with anxiety - feeling unprepared will probably amp up your stress and become a major blocker. Fluency and accuracy of our speech correlate quite strongly with how secure and relaxed we feel.

But a quick heads up here - no matter how good your English is, your very first weeks in an English speaking team will probably be tough. And it might feel like your English isn't good enough. Whereas in fact you're just processing a huge amount of new information and probably have to talk about things you've never discussed in English before (if it's your first job in this language).

When I was applying to a US startup, I was like 99% confident about my English (my level, so to speak, was maybe C1+). That was probably the only thing in my life I felt secure about. And... the first couple of months I felt like I had a speech impairment. Long awkward pauses during short syncs with 2 introverted developers weren't helping. I was quite taken aback by my lack of articulation ability, since I don't have a habit of overestimating myself. Had I known how poorly I'd speak in those first weeks, I probably wouldn't have the confidence to apply for that job😅

So, what I' getting at here - I'm not saying you don't need to prepare. Just beware not to fall into a perfectionist's trap. I believe some reversed imposter syndrome might do you good - when it comes to speaking English at least🙂

If you've gone through a similar experience - or perhaps your story is very different from mine - I'd love to hear it in comments!

It's not a task, it's a story

Here's all the vocabulary you need to know if you work in an Agile team. It's also a great tutorial on how to sound confident no matter what you're saying 👑