How do you guys handle small talk?🙊

Share your tips and experiences👇

I was going to write something useful about small talk and networking, but got very sick and had a few funny days of tripping on fever. So while my brain is regaining its ability to function properly, I'll write about dreams.

I rarely have fever, like over 38.5. When it happens though, I find myself in an almost dream-like state. The overall feeling sucks, naturally, but is interesting to observe where the mind is drifting. It's like balancing on the edge of awareness. The line between conscious and unconscious gets blurred, some things slip through.

If you're a daydreaming type of person - you know what it's like to show yourself movies in your head. When you're the screenwriter. The state of mind that I'm describing is like watching a movie made by someone else (probably David Lynch) - you don't know what's going to happen next, which thought is going to emerge.

Just like with a real dream, most of the content is forgotten after this fever fog is over. However, in the moment, this content makes more sense than that of a dream, to some extent it can be processed and understood consciously.

Language is another peculiarity. My dreams and these dream-like states usually have a mix of 2 languages - sometimes used coherently, but often turning into a mess. Like words mixed in a sentence, words with English roots but Russian prefixes, suffixes, endings, and vice versa.

One of the most absurd dream situations I remember is me trying to talk some sense into a drunk homeless kleptomaniac (imagine Gollum looking like a lanky human). I was attempting to translate Dr Peterson's words of wisdom to Russian (because my homeless guy didn't speak any English) - and failing miserably. Well, I always knew I'd make a poor translator.

What I noticed is that I remember such 'bilingual' episodes when I wake up. I also remember things I say in English more clearly. Of course, I have no idea about all the things I don't remember.

What about your experiences with dreams and languages?
Do you remember your dreams? Are any parts of them verbal?
Do you ever experience them in different languages?

#reflections

Speaking of dream vibes (if you're into this kind of stuff) - here's a brilliant movie scene. Heads up, it's scary.

Also, another pretty old movie The Cell is about a journey to another person's dream. It's really weird, they did a good job of making it feel like a dream.

Why small talk is painful

I hate small talk / I don't like talking to people [who are not close friends] - I often hear people say that. There can be different reasons for feeling this way, but let me attempt to unpack 2 common ones a little bit.

1️⃣ I don't think I can get what I need out of this conversation - I don't see any value in it.

2️⃣ I don't know how to conduct and present myself, so it's gonna be awkward.

The first point is about having wrong expectations from this exchange. I feel like in our culture having a conversation on a personal topic (rather than a functional conversation, e.g., to solve some problem) implies emotional connection, trust, maybe even intimacy. We want to be seen as we are, or show how amazing we are, and feel safe. Therefore, personal conversations happen with friends, trusted people, in our native language. If I don't know you and I don't have a reason to talk to you, why would I?

We don't want small talk, we want deep talk. Actually, you'd be surprised how many people share this sentiment. How many people from the West are starving for meaningful conversations.

But experiencing close connection is not the purpose of small talk. Making a friend is not its purpose. It's about building rapport, not building trust. It's creating a space where a meaningful conversation can then happen, if you both feel like it. Or a functional conversation (e.g., at work) can happen and be emotionally pleasant.

If we talk about socializing, small talk can transition into deep talk just like that. But you have to say something first. I once had a 10 min conversation with a psychotherapist from New York in a cafe. I came to pick up my umbrella. We had 3 min of small talk (which she initiated by 'You always need one of those with you here, right?') and then we started talking about psycholinguistics. Then we both had to go. And we both wanted to continue talking.

So don't force yourself into a conversation with a stranger hoping to experience a close connection. This is how you set yourself up for disappointment. Instead, try approaching it with curiosity: see where this conversation brings you. You never know what you might learn - people say amazing things.

Let's now address the second point.
It is often difficult to determine which personal details you're supposed to share and how personal they should get.

For starters, my advice is to think what you want to share. Make a list of 10 things about you that you feel comfortable volunteering to a stranger.

Then, don't focus on yourself and the impression you're making. Focus on the other person, ask questions about them. Sometimes questions that seem trivial happen to be very important for people to answer - enlightening, even. And then it's not a small talk anymore.

Try replacing responses like:

- yeah
- right
- cool
- I see
- that makes sense

With questions, e.g.:

- Never heard about this place, where is it?
- What's it like where you're from?
- Sounds exciting, what did you do there?
- What brought you here? Why?
- Why do you say that?
- How come?

Let me know if the 2 points I've covered sound relatable. How would you formulate your main blocker to start a small talk?
Please share your thoughts🧡

A follow-up on the previous post: here's a cool 20 min video with a fragment from the Joe Rogan Experience episode used as an example of how to keep a conversation going.

There are some great practical tips you can try to make small talk less awkward and potentially interesting🙂

#video

My pet friendly workplace be like... (viewer discretion is advised🕷)

Seriously though, I remember when I was collecting info on perks that the top IT companies provide, pet friendly workplace was a thing.

Now that I live in a homestay with animals, I get to appreciate the benefits of a cat gracefully walking on my keyboard, a puppy chewing my toes while I'm on a call, and a kitten lapping up the water from my cup after licking its... well, different body parts.

They are cute and all, but working among pets seems pretty distracting to me. How do you feel about it?

I keep seeing these ads with AI language tutors in my Instagram feed. They even have a feature of customizing your AI tutor's appearance to create the vibe that you want.

These apps look cool and seem to be pretty effective for speaking practice. I haven't checked their pricing, but I suppose it must be way cheaper than lessons with a human😄

I can't help feeling just a tiny bit creeped out by these videos though... Not sure what exactly puts me off - maybe the fact that it's a potential substitute for what I do for a living😂 Or maybe it's all those movies and books where AI development went wrong.

What do you think about these apps? Has anybody here tried practicing a second language with AI?

PS, if you haven't seen the movies Her and Ex Machina - check them out :)
And here is a very weird and interesting book about artificial minds - partly written from an AI's perspective.

Some time ago I wrote a post about a friend I made here and her secret to speaking authentic English.

At first I thought Lannah was great at small talk. Then I realized she's great at turning it into a meaningful conversation after a couple of exchanged lines.

She listens to what people are actually saying and pays attention to what's important to them. And she reacts.

Which is a rare virtue nowadays. So many conversations I've had or witnessed resemble exchanges between NPCs in a video game. People pretend they understand each other by using pre-learned patterns and socially approved reactions like:
- yeah
- totally
- I feel you
- ...

Instead of saying:
- Wait a second, what exactly do you mean by that? I don't think I understand. Why did you say that?

I have a feeling that participants of such 'scripted' exchanges are too scared of what's next to actually get curios. We stay isolated in such conversations and don't get any real feedback from each other.

It's not just about speaking the second language, of course. Happens all the time in our mother tongue too. But asking questions is a habit that can be developed. Acting it out will in time transform into genuine curiosity.

So here is a bit more wisdom from Lannah 🔮

When you meet a person - you ask them to tell you their story. You get curious about them. And you make sure you're there for them, otherwise why would they be there with you?

#Vietnam #reflections

Who is your English-speaking personality?

Does it ever feel like a different person, or is it the same you with another persona?

I've been using English as my second language for over 10 years now. My native language being Russian, I find it quite peculiar how I feel differently depending on which language I think and speak. I’ve been trying to track my preferences for using either of them in different contexts and also collecting similar reflections from other people.

I’ve been trying to figure out how thinking in different languages differentially shapes the way I express my feelings and thoughts, interact with others, perceive myself, and even sense my body.

Here are a few instances when I noticed I tend to switch to English in my thoughts / speech:

📌Structuring my thoughts and outlining an action plan;
📌Analyzing something and tracing cause-and-effect relationships;
📌Socializing with new people and making small talk (my friend pointed out that I appear much more open and extraverted in English);
📌Verbalizing my emotions, particularly those on the negative side of the spectrum;
📌Having to handle situations when I’m scared (ranging from social anxiety in a University hall to being in a physical danger);
📌Setting boundaries and expressing aggression verbally.

Speaking of the last point, one example of that can be giving negative feedback at work. This is the skill I often help my clients with. On the one hand, it is frequently perceived as a challenge for Russian-speaking people, since our language is much more direct. So there is this pitfall of coming across as a rude or aggressive person - especially for those who don't suffer from excessive agreeableness.

On the other hand though, some people report that they feel more comfortable and safe giving negative feedback in English, and it appears to be quite a handy tool for emotionally difficult conversations. They feel less awkward, less morally conflicted, more professional, "no hard feelings" vibe.

I shared these observations on LinkedIn a while ago, and wanted to share them here as well because I think it can be an interesting subject to discuss - or just to reflect on🙂

If any of what I mentioned sounds relatable, please share your experiences in comments!

How do you feel about your English-speaking personality?
Have you noticed any difference in how you feel when you communicate in your first VS second language?
Which one is preferable for work communication?

#reflections

I was going through some images on my laptop and stumbled upon this...

It was supposed to be the illustration for the previous post that I never shared on LinkedIn😄

I've met 2 types of people: those who prefer expressing emotions in their mother tongue and don't find it satisfying enough doing it in English - because it doesn't feel real enough, precise enough, authentic enough. The intensity is not right, it doesn't hit home.

And the second type - who prefer talking about their feelings in English - for the very same reason. Expressing emotions in their full intensity is too scary and painful. The second language is like a comfortable cooling pillow.

I used to belong to the second camp. Even drew an associative representation of what my psyche feels like - red (my Russian speaking core) encapsulated with blue (the English speaking part).

What's the strongest emotion you've expressed in English?
And which camp do you belong to?

Emotions and therapy in a non-native language

Disclaimer: It's long and nerdy post with open questions🌱

I want to share an observation made by one psychotherapist I met here. Douglas is 70, from Michigan, has been living in Vietnam for 14 years. He even wrote a few books here.

He works with English speaking people, still has ~ 4 clients per day - including non-native speakers. So I asked him how effective he thinks a therapeutic process can be if a client can't use their mother tongue.

He said that, of course, there is a lot of cultural variation. But there is not always as much differentiation between people based on their country as there is based on their ‘bubbles’ - or sub cultures in which they were raised. E.g., a small town VS a big city.

That made a lot of sense to me - I feel like I might find much more in common with someone from a similar educational background and lifestyle - even if they are from the other side of the globe - than with a Russian person from a different background.

Another thing he pointed out - many people, perhaps even most people, struggle with understanding themselves and verbalizing what they feel, with shaping their emotions in words - in their mother tongue as well. So learning to do it in another language is taking it to the next level, but if you have to learn to do it 'from scratch', does it make that much difference which language is being used?

He also mentioned that some of his clients reported that there are no ways in their native language to express what they can express in English. And vice versa, I’d assume.

That’s a very interesting point, because psychoanalysis is a product of the Western culture, its theory was developed within the underlying presuppositions of that culture. It's based on the Western understanding of the world, with Christianity as the main underlying mythology representing our value hierarchy. German and English are pretty close. German and Russian - not so much, although we still have mythological narratives in common. German and Vietnamese aren't close at all. Of course, there are universal patterns and myths across cultures. I don't know nearly enough about it to say to what extent they overlap and how significant the variation is.

And so my question is - how well can a person understand their own psyche, soul, self - which was shaped within a specific culture with certain ways of interpreting self and the world and the rules of interaction between them, and using a certain language to describe all of that - if they use linguistic concepts from another culture which construes self and the world and the rules of interaction between them in a different way?

Maybe cross cultural differences aren't significant enough and the concept of 'sane' is universal for all humans. On the other hand, here is a description of 'sane' that I heard in a lecture by Dr Peterson: sanity is not something in us, is a participation in the ordered structuring of something that is hierarchical and aimed at unity. In other words, it's about how well we can function in the society we live in, occupying a certain place in its hierarchy. So being 'sane' should have different forms in different societies.

So far, in my personal experience in therapy, I can’t recall a situation when I’d use an expression in Russian and wouldn’t be able to find its alternative in English. BUT. If I were thinking in English in the process, it wouldn’t hit home. It would be hard for me to relate to my childhood experiences, because thinking in Russian and in English happens in parallel. So I’d identify my emotion in the present, be able to describe what’s happening to me in the present, but I’d struggle with connecting it to my past. It’s like the link is broken. And to me this link seems to be something essential for effective therapy. I’d be able to describe what’s happening now, but wouldn’t be able to realize that oh, so that’s the same thing that was happening then. And it's through that realization that I can go back to then and fix now.

Any thoughts and comments are welcome☘️

Saw this on Instagram🙃

It brought to mind another cute and super common mistake that we (Russians) tend to make when talking about our feelings.

So, a gentle reminder: we're not feeling ourselves on work calls (that's what Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj are doing), we just feel - whatever / however we feel today🧡

What's the funniest mistake (or perhaps a Freudian slip😄) you've made / heard others make?

A couple of more things about emotions and personality🎭

Here is an idea to help you express yourself better in personal life: take psychological tests in English. They probably won't tell you anything new... Or maybe they will - the results might vary depending on which language you use to think about the questions.

The point of this exercise is to reflect on your behavioral and emotional patterns in English, which might help you create more associations and cause-effect links in this language.

And then read the description of your 'type' - to match what you already know about yourself with the vocabulary to describe it in English.

Here are some tests can try:

📍16 personalities
📍Big 5 personality traits
📍Personality Disorder Test (I'd say this one is more about personality organization, although I'm not sure at can produce very accurate results. But you can see how you score compared to the average web score.)

Also, here is a lecture course on personality that I enjoyed so much! It was illuminating in many ways, and a lot of fun too. And then it provided some glimpses into our history from the outside - that part was not very fun. But I'm grateful for hearing it.

I'm trying to figure out my work-life balance again. This time I'm also observing how life can be arranged alternatively.

I practically live in a village. A village with a river, a beach, and myriads of fancy cafes for white people. I wake up to chickens (they really make the 'KU-KA-RE-KU' sound), pass cows and other cattle and people in those Vietnamese hats harvesting crops every day.

Locals here often wake up before dawn - so most of their work is done in the morning - and seem to have something of a siesta in the hottest part of the day. Despite all the hard manual work they do, the vibe here is relaxed and slow-paced.

I also know many young women who's daily routines are basically about taking care of the house, cooking, taking care of kids (or 30-year-old white kids who are just as helpless in the kitchen). No full-time job, no career ambitions.

Sounds like everything a 'progressive' woman is not supposed to want. But they enjoy this nurturing, traditionally feminine way of life - something I'm learning to appreciate here as well. To be honest, I feel like finally I'm slowly connecting with what it feels like to be a woman.

One day I caught myself thinking that this is what I want my life to be like - to forget about productivity, efficiency, and someone's business goals and be in touch with my surroundings instead. Cook, share meals with others instead of stuffing myself with whatever was in the fridge in 10 min between the calls.

That was a beautiful realization. But the next day I decided that I needed more money😅 The funny thing is that it's technically not true. But apparently I can't handle not being overworked. Not yet, at least.

#Vietnam

A glimpse of my daily surroundings here

About alternative lifestyles

To continue the previous post, a local friend of mine moved out of a comfortable apartment to an abandoned building across the street.

She's living there and renovating it with her other friend and that friend's son (the boy who taught me to count to 10).

The ladies don't have full time jobs. The boy's mother doesn't have any job, as far as I understood. My friend works as a PA (personal assistant) and finishes her laptop work until 8 am.

Then she walks around collecting wood to make fire and gathering food to cook breakfast. Then lunch, and then dinner. Could it ever occur to you to spend your time on gathering food instead of on making money to buy it?

Obviously, it can only work in a tropical climate, perhaps not in the long run, and then there is an available apartment next door just in case. But the fact that this life model works at all and is preferable to an office job fascinated to me.

My friend is my age, did her bachelor's degree in Business Administration, then worked in marketing-related role in Saigon. She also speaks great English. So she's not exactly your typical 'hippy material'.

And yet she's eager to spend her days making fire on the porch of their abandoned house, cooking whatever she can find and whatever neighbours share, going scavenging to find pieces of furniture and decor in trash dumps.

These ladies are beaming with happiness. And I think I can relate. I only allow myself such lifestyle once or twice a year when I go camping to a Karelia forest. Apparently, for some it can be their normal.

#Vietnam