i’ve cried a million times,
but they say i’m well adjusted.
i’ve told so many lies,
but they say i should be trusted.
i hide my every thought,
i should’ve cut my tongue out
so not a single soul
would think that i am devout.
worst sinner of them all
pretending to be sinless.
the fear of the fall
will make us strong or kill us?
the answer’s in the wind,
that makes me cry so often.
i should, i do, i will.
no one will know i’m awful.

22.03.2023.

your rough big hands have never ever touched me. i’m breaking down here every single night. there is no cure for a disease as such, dear. i crave your arms to hold me crushing tight. i dance alone, i’m staring at the lighting. it is deep purple, matching my bruised skin. i cry for you, but you can’t save me, darling. my mind is wrong, my mind is so obscene. you are my dream, but all i see are nightmares. i hug myself, pretending i’m with you. i’ve never seen a heart so filled with kindness. i’ve never loved so much i can’t endure. being without you is a sort of torture that breaks my heart in the most tender way. i love you so and i have never thought that i’d love somebody till my dying day.

26.01.2024.

sleep in the same room, where you used to kiss me. my parents’ house in our little town. i wonder, have you ever really missed me, my bitten lips and inexperienced tongue. my fatigue hands that wrapped around your shoulders like it was where they were supposed to be. i wonder why you were so cold towards us, i wonder why you were so cold to me. i was fifteen, you know, i really loved you, your soul was younger, innocent and pure. and then we met, our bodies felt so fitting, your hands have made my all diseases cured. you touched me only when you got permission, you loved me gently, never causing pain. it all broke down, i knew i’ve failed my mission when you said you don’t want to meet again. my heart exploded into little pieces, i thought you were my fate, my only one. and five years passed, and still i badly miss you, but all the damage cannot be undone.

31.01.2024.