и только если ты теперь уйдешь,
я больше не пущу к себе людей.
привычна, но горька бывает ложь.
ты был одной мечтой из этих дней?
мне ангелы мерещились в приходах,
и твои руки гладили мой стан.
гадаю, а не стал ли мимоходом
причиной твоей горечи я сам?
прости меня. всегда я на коленях,
я гордость усмирил давно свою.
молиться, верить в то, что я не бремя…
поверь лишь, что я все таки люблю.
и в сердце нет намерения иного,
но если ты его подбросишь вновь,
я улыбнусь. оно взорвется снова,
и выльется лишь светлая любовь.

23.04.2024.

*на фоне начинает играть эми вайнхаус*

i love the way you can just lock me like a car. for any other man my womb is filled with spikes. my body’s learned by now the feeling of you touch that never brings me down, the love i crave so much. it bleeds, you’re not around, a stranger’s hands on me. my body’s learned by now how does it feel: my grief, my pain, my loneliness, my helplessness, all mine. do i have to confess? they’ve made me less divine. and every dirty hand, that’ve touched my porcelain hips, just taught me how unfair for us it is. life stills, when what i see isn’t you, when all alone i sleep. and quand je prie mon Dieu i see my heart, where deep, deep down there lies a love, the biggest of them all. wings of a little dove, i’m fearless of the fall. i’ll kiss another man, my virtue or my sin. i love the way you can unbruise my defamed skin.

01.05.2024.

when i sit on your thighs what’s so wrong with me? you say you like my eyes, come out, let them see. i am shaking, i’m starving, it’s all for you. like a thirstiest man for a drop of dew. talk to me, let me know, what’s been on your mind since your hands’ve touched the crown of my hair, so light, like a feather or father a loved child’s curls. let me know what you think about, what occurs in your mind when i’m texting you like i’m mad, mad, mad, madly in love with you, here, i’ve said it and ’ve written it many times. swear to me, cross your heart, that there are no lies. that your mouth is pure, only mine to kiss, that you miss me as well as i badly miss you every day since i’ve touched your hand, like i’m madly in love, madly, mad, mad, mad.

07.09.2024.

he treats me like a gentleman, he treats me like a scum. i thought that shit was permanent, like he’s the only one. i feel so stupid, all alone, in my entire world. i’ve broke the rule, for all i’ve known, don’t trust his any word. men want, command, desire, sin, for them i’m just a toy. and yet another crying scene, his smile was a decoy. i hate my guts and i hate him, every man i despise. and he, for sure, won’t ever love me without my disguise. i’ve torn apart my lovely dress, for what he’s seen i ain’t. he treats me like a pile of dirt, he treats me like a saint.

05.11.2024.

was it a compliment or a complement? should i feel confident? should i feel guilty? hatred for men hasn’t ever been higher. there is no love and there is no desire. now i feel dirty, my catholic guilt’s trying to choke me for my twisted sins. let the man kiss you, it’s nothing that bad. i feel his hands and just become so mad. mad, all he’s seeing in me is a girl. mad that his kisses turn into my fault. mad that all he is seeing in me is just an another lovely piece of meat. grow rough, my hands, become spiky, my thighs. spare me from all the fucked-up dirty nights. let the only man i’m comfortable with save the fragile little love of the prince.

06.03.2025.

i’ll never bite your feeding hand, i’ll never kiss another man, i’ll always let you take control if you will hold me and go on. i’m like a siren so i sing, my nerves become the tightest strings and i feel jealous, i feel new, when all i think about is you. i see you when i close my eyes, i’ll peel my skin down, my disguise will fall unlike the kingdom come and from your chains i’ll never run. my collar is virginal white, i wish for you to hold me tight, i wish for you to hold me close, i wish to breathe you through my nose, i wish to breathe you in my lungs, i want to speak with you in tongues, i want to speak with you in bed, i want to meet your every friend. i wish for you to be with me, i want you to stay here and see, see what i am and what i ain’t. and there’ll be love, all right and saint.

27.06.2025.

you.

my every move now has a meaning and it’s all devastatingly pure. i hear my heart, i hear it screaming: you. i hear it weeping, feel it burning, i feel it hurting. immature? i’m like a child, who’s always waiting. for you. i am dependent, i am trusting, и я приманку съем твою. i’m like a dog, who’s never barking at you. the sky is crying when you’re not here, all of my bruises are turning blue. a needy poet, and what i need’s you. i am in love, i beg to spare me, i wish i knew just what to do. i wish you knew just how to bear me. you.

30.06.2025.