dogbert: for a reasonable fee, i will audit your company and find any fraud or crime if it exists.
dilbert: what's to stop you from taking bribes from the fraudsters and reporting that everything is fine?
dogbert: my business model depends on you not asking…

dogbert: my audit of your company has uncovered many disturbing things. for example, did you know that the sales department holds cockfights on the third floor every tuesday?
boss: why have i never been invited?
dogbert: you're not a rooster.

dogbert: my audit of your company has uncovered a number of software vulnerabilities. for example, a blackmailer could take control of your network and make you pay a billion dollars to get it back.
ceo: good work. what do we owe you?
dogbert: the audit…

boss to tina: i'm planning to increase the budget for training by fifty percent next year.
tina to dilbert: he didn't say anything about the other budgets.
dilbert to wally: he didn't say anything about the budget for research and development.
wally to…

catbird: from now on, your performance reviews will be based on your dna alone. your boss can't tell when you are lying about you accomplishments, but a simple test can tell me if you have loser dna.
dilbert: i don't believe that is possible.
catbird: that…

Catbert: wally, according to your dna, the odds of you stealing office supplies later this week are nearly 100%.
wally: that sounds like junk science.
catbert to boss: he refuses to listen to experts.

dilbert: ...so what we need to do...
phone on table: ding
dilbert: okay, now you're only pretending to listen to me because your mind is on that incoming text message. would you like to look at it and respond?
alice: only if you don't think you can wrap…

boss: i'm happy to announce that we just made a huge sale in elbonia.
dilbert: are you aware that last week our government banned all sales to elbonia?
boss: before you go blabbing that all over the place remember that all of you are accomplices.

dogbert to boss: you have over seven hundred consumer lawsuits filed against you. if i can get them all assigned to the same judge, you only have to bribe one person.
boss: are you even a lawyer?
dogbert: heavens, no, and i didn't come here to be insulted.

dilbert at home: i'm going to try to cancel some recurring online charges today. wish me luck.
dogbert: what resistance are you expecting?
dilbert: obviously, they hide their contact information, so i allocated two hours to find the right phone number.…

dilbert: our corporate rule is that we won't do business with any vendor who does not give us at least 30 days to pay.
dilbert: but we can get the same product for half the price if we go with the vendor who wants payment immediately. should we make an obvious…