asok: alice, i want you to know that i hear you and i value you.
alice: that's terrific maybe you could stop talking to me in that super creepy and condescending way.
asok: yes, queen.
alice: who broke you?

wally to boss and dilbert: sorry i'm late. my alarm didn't go off because my town lost power and my phone battery died. and we lost power because the state closed down the lost coal power plant to reduce co2 emissions. so really, the fault lies with climate…

dilbert: why is your writing so angry?
tina: tech writers are underpaid, so all of our envy and contempt spill out on the page.
dilbert: maybe you tech writers should drink less coffee and exercise more.
tina: this is exactly why we hate everyone.

dilbert: i worked all weekend to get this done for you by the deadline.
boss: thanks, but i won't need it for another two weeks.
dilbert: then...why did you tell me the deadline was today?
boss: i built some cushion into the schedule.
dilbert: you mean…

boss: do you ever think about the fact that one small error in your software design could kill hundreds of people? all it would take is some kind of distraction while you are trying to concentrate.
dilbert: are you done?
boss: a real man could multitask…

Dogbert: My new hobby is rewriting shakespeare's plays so the sentences make sense. He had some good plot ideas, but I think he was drunk when he wrote the dialogue.
Dilbert: i admire your confidence.
Dogbert typing: "where are you, Romeo?"

Tina: i almost got some information from carl. i stalked him to his cubicle and penetrated his outer defense of rudeness. but i never broke through his mumble layer.
dilbert: wait until you get to his ignorance layer.

Dilbert on a video conference call and voices coming from laptop"
We've been going for two hours, so let's wrap up...
i have a new topic...
dilbert: Gaaa!!! why is there always on time-wasting fool on every zoom call??? why? why?
voice from laptop: dilbert…

dogbert: you should hire a ghostwriter to write your autobiography.
dilbert: that's dumb. a ghost's fingers would go right through the keyboard.
dogbert: then how do their clothes stay on?
dilbert: fair point.

dilbert: yesterday someone disagreed with me, and i changed his mind using data and reason.
wally: that isn't possible.
dilbert: i didn't think so either, but it happened.
wally: smells like a trap.
dilbert: i couldn't sleep all night.

dilbert in control room with others: we've triple-checked all systems, and we are ready to launch the satellite. nothing can go wrong. initiating launch.
boss: nothing can go wrong? what if an alien spaceship appears over the launch site?
dilbert: gaaa!!!…

dilbert looking at laptop on video conference
voice from laptop: let me share my screen and i'll...uh-oh. oops. not that screen. don't judge me! how do i make it go away?!!! gaaa!!! i can't take the embarrassment! i quit!
Dogbert and dilbert in another…

dilbert at home on bed.
wally's voice from laptop: how do you like working at home all the time now?
dilbert: i was delighted to discover that a crushing sense of loneliness is better than spending time with my co-workers.
wally: no offense taken.
dilbert:…

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

boss: my records show you completed the online training for diversity and inclusion. apparently, you did not know we can detect it when you have the sound muted during the entire course.
colleague: oops.
dilbert: you can do that?
Boss: no, but i can…

boss on video conference with dilbert and wally.
boss: it's challenging to manage employees who are working remotely.
dilbert sitting in arm chair listening
boss: so i hired a stalker to look in the windows at your homes and tell me what he sees. he lasted…

boss on video conference with dilbert and alice.
boss: we're going to start having zoom happy hour every weekday to boost morale.
dilbert: you're the only one in the entire department who drinks alcohol.
boss: you're all looshers.
alice: did you already…

dilbert and tine walking.
tina: you argue with everything because you just have to be right.
dilbert: how can you tell the difference between someone who "has to be right" versus someone who is right and you need therapy?
tina: you're doing it again. …