tina: do you have a minute to help me?
wally: absolutely. i'll be right back after i drop off something at my desk.
tina: i'll never see you again, will i?
wally: don't take the mystery out of it.

dilbert: do you mind if i come to work on my vacation days? i hate being scolded for being behind in my work more that i enjoy taking vacations.
boss: it seems i have trained you well.
dilbert: no, i'm just broken.

boss at conference room table: i hope you all saw the poster i put in the break room with our list of values.
dilbert: i didn't see it. what are our values?
boss: i don't remember.
wally: are we allowed to steal?
dilbert: i don't think so, but i'm guessing.

alice: i have a doctor appointment.
boss: what's wrong with you?
alice yelling: that's none of your stinkin' business! stay our of my life!
boss to catbert: didn't you advise me to show interest in my employees?
catbert: i was pranking you. they hate…

dilbert: i hear there's a great job opening in operations for someone with your background. big salary, private office. looks like a great opportunity for you.
office worker: are you trying to get rid of me?
dilbert: not in a way you are suppose to notice.

dilbert: we have some problems in our elbonian factory.
boss: how bad?
dilbert: they lost power on the main floor.
boss: that's not so bad.
dilbert: the employees were scared.
boss: they'll get over it.
dilbert: one of them tripped in the dark.
boss:…

dilbert: sorry, i no longer shake hands. i can practically see the viral load on that filthy paw of yours.
office worker: you can't "see" a virus.
virus sound coming from hand: hee-hee! that's how we getcha.

dilbert: i'm working at home to avoid the coronavirus. i'll have to stay here 24 hours a day.
dogbert: that's tragic.
dilbert: i don't mind.
dogbert: i meant tragic for me.

dogbert: you have nothing to fear from the coronavirus but fear itself. obviously, the fear will increase your cortisol levels and depress your immune system so the virus can finish you off.
dilbert visually shaken: now i'm scared.
dogbert pointing: dead…

day one of working from home
dilbert thinking: i'm getting a lot done.
day two of working from home
dilbert thinking laying on the couch: if i goofed off a little, would anyone know?
day three of working from home
dogbert: lame fort.
dilbert under…

dilbert: i can't get any work done at home because i keep hearing your footsteps all day!
dogbert: excuse me for living. i'll try hovering from now on.
dilbert: can you do that?
dogbert hovering: there's a lot you don't know about me.

dilbert walking outside thinking: uh-oh. a human being is walking in my direction.
dilbert jumping over wall into river: aaaagh!!!
fish in water by dilbert: i need to ask you to back up six feet.

boss on cell phone: we need to do spring cleaning. delete any data on our servers that make us look like white-collar criminals or drunken baboons.
dilbert: all that leaves is our birthday list.
boss through phone line: torch that too.

dilbert: in hard times, you really find out who your friends are.
dogbert: i assume you have hundreds of friends by now because of all the times you have been friend-zoned.
dilbert: i'm starting to think they were insincere.

ceo on video conference: i used to be rich, but i lost it all in the stock market crash during the pandemic. luckily, i can make up the difference by working you idiots to death while underpaying you.
video chat: we thought you didn't have a strategy. …

Alice wearing face mask: can I borrow your stapler?
Dilbert wearing face mask: not with your bare hands. but i can wrap it in plastic and leave a hole for the staples to come out.
Alice: maybe you can just lend me a paper clip.
dilbert: i'll throw it…

dilbert wearing face mask: we're running low on copier paper.
carol wearing face mask: i know. i hoarded it all at my house when someone said we might have a shortage.
dilbert: can you bring some of it back?
carol: that would defeat the point of hoarding.