boss: why aren't you working?
alice: my brain is full.
boss: i'll check back later.
alice: i won't remember you.

dogbert: your products are shoddy, and your sales teams are incompetent. but there is a theoretical amount of marketing genius that can fix all of that.
boss: are you that genius?
dogbert: please. you're making me blush.

dilbert thinking: that meeting ran long, so now i have ten minutes before the next one. i'm suppose to bring a complete technical report, and i haven't even started it. i hate this stupid job!
dilbert still thinking but showing signs of distress: i hate…

the marketing genius
dogbert: my genius alone will not be enough to fix the problems at this company. this looks like a five-dogbert situation. that is why i arranged to clone myself five times.
boss: what's the extra clone for?
dogbert: that one takes…

dogbert on desk with three dogberts behind him: i've got three dogberts working on your marketing plan, but even that isn't enough. i'd bump it up to five dogcarts, but then we risk creating a singularity event.
boss: i don't get it.
dogbert: read a book.

dogbert: my team of dogbert clones has reversed your slumping sales. your products are still shoddy, but we use mind control to make people not notice. it's all perfectly legal.
boss: i wasn't going to ask.

dogbert in lunchroom with dilbert: i had to dissolve my consulting company because i made the mistake of staffing it with my clones. every one of them embezzled from me. that sort of ended my journey of self-discovery.

ask: you know what's wrong with this room? not enough of me in it. that's what.
dilbert: are you testing your fake confidence?
asok: is it working?

tina: i've contacted my lawyer to sue you for your sexist jokes. your humor is not funny, and there's a good chance it is illegal.
boss to catbert: i just learned that i am criminally not funny.
catbert: you're always the last to know.

boss: philosophers say loving yourself is the greatest love of all.
carol: do philosophers really say that?
boss: all the good ones do. after years of trying, i have finally learned to love myself.
carol: i'm no philosopher, but instead of learning to…

tina: do you have a minute to help me?
wally: absolutely. i'll be right back after i drop off something at my desk.
tina: i'll never see you again, will i?
wally: don't take the mystery out of it.

dilbert: do you mind if i come to work on my vacation days? i hate being scolded for being behind in my work more that i enjoy taking vacations.
boss: it seems i have trained you well.
dilbert: no, i'm just broken.

boss at conference room table: i hope you all saw the poster i put in the break room with our list of values.
dilbert: i didn't see it. what are our values?
boss: i don't remember.
wally: are we allowed to steal?
dilbert: i don't think so, but i'm guessing.

alice: i have a doctor appointment.
boss: what's wrong with you?
alice yelling: that's none of your stinkin' business! stay our of my life!
boss to catbert: didn't you advise me to show interest in my employees?
catbert: i was pranking you. they hate…

dilbert: i hear there's a great job opening in operations for someone with your background. big salary, private office. looks like a great opportunity for you.
office worker: are you trying to get rid of me?
dilbert: not in a way you are suppose to notice.

dilbert: we have some problems in our elbonian factory.
boss: how bad?
dilbert: they lost power on the main floor.
boss: that's not so bad.
dilbert: the employees were scared.
boss: they'll get over it.
dilbert: one of them tripped in the dark.
boss:…

dilbert: sorry, i no longer shake hands. i can practically see the viral load on that filthy paw of yours.
office worker: you can't "see" a virus.
virus sound coming from hand: hee-hee! that's how we getcha.

dilbert: i'm working at home to avoid the coronavirus. i'll have to stay here 24 hours a day.
dogbert: that's tragic.
dilbert: i don't mind.
dogbert: i meant tragic for me.